COVID cancel plans with friends

sim2335

I have other friends(these are not close though) who even if I have to cancel last minute there like cool, I’m like that too, these friends are not unless it’s like a emergency.

I started go to Hare Krishna, events where all diffent people come, this is one place I found little connection but a lot of people not my age and I shouldn’t get too deep into any of that, otheriwse tahts all I will care about.

Still looking online for a wife, so hard no dates, is it worth professional photos which are expensive, joined Hare Krishna dating agencey, they said I can as I go to events, not heard anything since my two references but still early days.

Iuse to have a diffent friend, who doesn’t take any rubbish, who I met through this friend, anyway he’s now lonely, I don’t want to end up like that.

Also my other friend, will say who I can’t meet till October, from past experience he may say things like I grauntee you won’t get it again, and try to find ways round even though it’s ok for him not to meet, will use same stance on him, say it three times and leave it.

MovingForwards

The gambler friend, the one who got you to take out loans in your name, so he could borrow it from you and make you feel dreadful for asking him to repay you, but then lending it back to him as he sulked and picked away at you:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6238105/friend-owes-me-thousands/p1

You've previously said about a friend and his 'approach' to getting women, which is harassment and verges on sexual assault, if he hasn't already.

Are these honestly the kind of friends you want to hang around with? The kind of people you look up to and would like to be? 

Associating with these type of people mean others will think you're the same, they won't want to get to know you, you'll have a bad reputation due to the actions of who you associate with.

What doesn't help is your family treat you exactly the same, it's learned behaviour and you don't know anything else.

I'll let you into a secret, my family were the same too. I left shortly after finishing school and it was the best thing I ever did. Having independence, making some mistakes along the way and learning from them, it's how we grow up and develop.

I would sooner have no friends and read a book, watch TV, go to the pub on my own, go shopping and rely on my own judgement as to what suits me (yes, I remember you've been pulled up on what you wear by one of these friends too), than have those people any where near my life.

Only you can make the right decisions for yourself, but I don't think you're ready to and that's why you do need external support. It will help you grow as a person, gain confidence and begin to make decisions on your own and not need someone to make them for you.

MaryNB

sim2335 said:

@movingforwards because I have no other friends, and even when I looked on Meetup etc just can’t find that connection I have with these two where I can talk about my problems or listen to them.

I have asked threpist if I should leave they said it’s up to you.

I think if I leave them I will just end up lonely and just without any friends and people I just know.

Also if I did leave I can’t randomly, phone them and go I don’t want to be friends.

I don’t want to just ignore them would need closure 

It takes a lot of time and effort to make new friends. You need to find your tribe, so to speak. Go to different types of events talk to lots of different people. I find going to events where you share a common interest (e.g. hiking or surfing) are better than just meeting in a pub, but general meet ups can be good as well. Don't expect to make close friends on day one (some people may find that off-putting) or even in the first few weeks. I've moved a few times to cities where I knew no one and it's hard to make friends, you have to put yourself out there and persevere. Close friendships take time to grow but I have friends I've made in the last two years that are much more supportive than friends I had for most of my 20s (many of whom I have very little contact with). 

MovingForwards

But you can get closer to these other friends, if you make time, effort and prioritise them over the others.

You don't join a dating agency expecting to find a wife, you join one to meet people, go on a date, see how it goes and perhaps go on further dates, maybe a weekend away after being with each other for a few months, if you're still dating the same person after a few years then talk about plans for the future.

Hare Krishna is a good start to finding peace with yourself, meet people as people and have something in common. It's not a turn up once and you'll have loads of friends, turn up a week later and you'll walk out with a wife.

You are trying to run before walking. You need to step back and learn the basics and certainly not ask to meet up with someone who has posted in your threads and ask for one on one talk / help!

I have various hobbies and interests I do alone, I like talking about them and so I find online groups, develop chats, if that goes well I find a local group and repeat the process, that goes well and I keep an eye out to see when there are events for that particular thing. Go to the event, take a deep breath, walk in, smile and say my name. I tend to do one to one conversations, work my way round the group and having the same basic conversation "hi, I'm MF, really enjoying chatting in the group and thought I'd pop along and say hello. How long have you been (whatever the hobby is)". 

It's so much easier to make friends / acquaintances off the back of a shared hobby or interest. There's common ground to start that initial conversation. It doesn't matter if it's knitting "oh, I keep dropping a stitch, any tips so I stop doing it".
Reading"oh I've just read that book, how far have you into it......yes, that bit was a surprise and I never saw it coming'.
Cars "nice car, love the colour, wheels suit it, how long you owned it?, looks a nice one to drive".
Animals "your cat / dog / rabbit is cute, what it's name?"
Real ale, whiskey or other club "I like sweet, but with a warm undertone, what do you recommend I try?"

What all of the above have is an opening line, getting someone to talk about something they like, believe me if you like something there's always a conversation around it.

Even the routine of going to work, passing the same person each morning at the same time leads to 'hello', 'morning' 'looks like a nice day' and after a few weeks developing into 'hi, how are you', 'hi ya, how's things' 'hey, thank goodness it's Friday huh'. That develops into both of us stopping for a few minutes, have a few sentences of chit chat, before going about our days.

Look up online about neurodiversity, it will make sense why we keep mentioning it.

sim2335

@nblondon because no one goes alone, to these events and he’s been alone a few days and didn’t like it cos girls saw him alone to ones he approached.

The main reason is just for himself, yes I could meet too, that’s just any product last time I went a few days with him didn’t meeet anyone.

Yes I want to do eveuntully get married.

If there was no Covid, happy to go once or twice  not every eveing , for over a week, which I one have done as a favour, and because he does not live in same city so hardley get to see him now.

He’s coming to city I live in just to go only if I go though, no one elese is reliable like me, would go everyday, and he feels most comfortable with me.

No money paid tickets come out in spetmber 

sim2335

Other then Meetup where else to meet people

Same traits both mates doing it to help you don’t like them cos they be honest with me.

Sometimes when we get in argument they don’t like it, I don’t like it because there beign honest

Both these two friends are unemployed and the gambler I blocked.

They just don’t want to work and live of family who are not millionaires but well enough to support them it seems, there brothers and sisters work. Funny enough both friends siblings are doctors.

The gambler friend is blocked and ignored

He approaches girls in supermarkets etc if they say no or have a boyfriend he leaves them alone.

Unlike me both are confident and able to talk to anybody.

@movingforwards That’s problem I’m not even meeting anyone to date

I went Hare Krishna regularly like every week for months.

Went to a house event Hare Krishna, so yeah that’s what I started talking about how did you find out about it etc, but then after that I find I have nothing more to say.

MovingForwards

Those 'mates' are not being honest with you. They are patronising, condescending, belittling you and use you. I don't know why you stick up for them, they don't support or encourage you, but they've obviously got you where they want you to be.

Your gambler 'mate' only wants you to go with him so it's easier for HIM to pick up girls. One night stands are not the way to form good relationships.

Look up how to build confidence, there's plenty of videos online, then slowly put into practice what you learn.

Look up how to be assertive, again, there's plenty of videos online, then slowly put into practice what you learn.

Same with how to do small talk.

Everything is at your fingertips as we're in age of the internet.

Attend night school, learn a new skill and meet new people, have that common interest. You have to go out and meet people, they don't just appear, and you have to keep trying.

I can't add anything else to what I've said on each thread. Until you make the change, nothing will begin to alter.

Sea_Shell

Please don't aspire to be able to do this....

"He approaches girls in supermarkets etc if they say no or have a boyfriend he leaves them alone"


That's just creepy and bordering on harassment!

MaryNB

sim2335 said:

Other then Meetup where else to meet people

Same traits both mates doing it to help you don’t like them cos they be honest with me.

Sometimes when we get in argument they don’t like it, I don’t like it because there beign honest

Both these two friends are unemployed and the gambler I blocked.

They just don’t want to work and live of family who are not millionaires but well enough to support them it seems, there brothers and sisters work. Funny enough both friends siblings are doctors.

The gambler friend is blocked and ignored

He approaches girls in supermarkets etc if they say no or have a boyfriend he leaves them alone.

Unlike me both are confident and able to talk to anybody.

@movingforwards That’s problem I’m not even meeting anyone to date

I went Hare Krishna regularly like every week for months.

Went to a house event Hare Krishna, so yeah that’s what I started talking about how did you find out about it etc, but then after that I find I have nothing more to say.

Social skills and conversation gets better with practice. The more you talk to people the easier it is. Take an interest in what they are discussing, ask them questions about themselves and their interests (without being too intrusive of course), talk about general topics (are they watching or reading anything interesting, avoid things like politics if you don't know them well), if you are unfamiliar with the topic of conversation admit that and ask them to tell you more about it, ask follow up questions. It's doesn't come naturally to me at all but I learn from people who are more social than I am. Listening is more important that talking as well.

However do not learn from someone who approaches women in the supermarket! I would not respond to that well at all. 
Following from this - at events respect a person's personal space. I stopped going to one meetup group's events because so many of the men were creepy towards women, there were at least 10 men to every woman at their events because women were so uncomfortable they stopped going. You don't need to lean into someone to have a conversation and don't try to drag women out of a general conversation so you can have a one to one. 

NBLondon

sim2335 said:

@nblondon because no one goes alone, to these events and he’s been alone a few days and didn’t like it cos girls saw him alone to ones he approached.

That's !!!!!!.  I had to look up Garba and if we're talking about the Indian dance festival - there's nothing to say you can't go alone.   What he's saying is he wants to approach girls but he needs you around to make him look less like a needy loser.  What exactly were you supposed to be getting out of it?

  sim2335 said:

No money paid tickets come out in spetmber 

So he's bought two tickets then.  You didn't agree for him to buy you a full week ticket so it's his problem to sell it on.  If he really needs a wingman - then he's got time to find one amongst his other friends.  If he has any - and that's not your problem.

You need better friends.  Lots of people are suggesting how to go about it.  It doesn't work automatically.