COVID cancel plans with friends

Pollycat

sim2335 said:

How do I not engage with guilt trip etc
he will say stuff to make me respond what do I say back

Im having cbt at the momment but the threpist doesn’t go deep enough, even though he’s very qualified he just talks about it, and just say stick to your guns etc
yeara ago I saw one who was really good lot less qualified just a thrpist not dr like this one, he gave me actual method even when I don’t know what to say etc, however I didn’t get to practice cos wasn’t meeting people due to Covid 

if it was flu or I wasn’t going on hoilday I would go with him.

You say 'I'm not going'.
If he brings it up again, you say 'I've already told you I'm not going '.
If he brings it up again, you say ' for the last time, I'm not going and I'm not going to discuss it any more'.
If you can't draw on what therapy you've already had, book some more sessions.

TBH, sim2335, you've had 2 of your threads removed today.
Probably because you're just going round in circles with the responses you're getting.
Nobody on here can teach you how to be assertive with these friends and your family.

sim2335

Thanks pollycat, and I know if they still carry on make a excuse and leave or say you have to go because you have nothing more to add.

It’s just I have to learn how to get courage to do it, even though I will.

Also learn how to not engage regardless of what he says.

I work in customer service have to be assertive all the time, why does that not rub off on friends and family

MovingForwards

Find better friends

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6312205/short-version-should-i-leave-my-2-friends/p1

They're toxic, no good for you and you'll end up with a poor reputation because of hanging out with them.

Why do you desperately cling on to these people?

Attend assertiveness classes.
Build confidence.
Make new friends who do respect you.

sim2335

@movingforwards because I have no other friends, and even when I looked on Meetup etc just can’t find that connection I have with these two where I can talk about my problems or listen to them.

I have asked threpist if I should leave they said it’s up to you.

I think if I leave them I will just end up lonely and just without any friends and people I just know.

Also if I did leave I can’t randomly, phone them and go I don’t want to be friends.

I don’t want to just ignore them would need closure 

MovingForwards

You make new friends through having the same interests, getting to know each other and don't expect to discuss problems until you're good friends.

These people you class as friends are not, they use and abuse you and you need to break the habit. You're not dating them, no closure is needed as the history with them shows they're not good people to have in your life.

We all see it, you don't. We'll just keep linking to your previous posts each time as we can't add anything else to what has been said.

Attend assertiveness classes.

Build confidence.

Make new friends who do respect you.

None of this happens over night and when you do sort out assertiveness and confidence, you'll see these people for what they are.

sim2335

Moving forwards - I like your last Paragaph, when I show assterives in past they hate it, pherphaps that’s why they like me so much because it’s so easy for them to talk to me, influence me etc 

The hardest thing I find to respond to is when they say things like I’m doing it because I care about you which is genuine or I’m the only normal friend you have.

I’ve been trying for years to make new friends, it’s so hard to make actual friends that you want to meet with outside, a the group or club where’s there’s other people.

MovingForwards

Real friends don't say things like this "I’m doing it because I care about you which is genuine or I’m the only normal friend you have."

These comments are insulting, derogatory and aimed at keeping you in a place where they can control you.

Many of us have one or two friends we meet up with, acquaintances who could possibly turn into friends, acquaintances who we pass the time of day with, others where a quick 'hi, how you doing' is more than enough contact. 

It's hard to find one person where you have everything in common. I've got my clubbing / socialising group who, under normal times, I see once a year. I've got my dining group where, under normal circumstances, we meet up and go to a restaurant. Then I've my good friend where we go shopping, eat, a bit of a walk or just go round to each others homes. Contact in between is texts and phone calls.

It's taken nearly 6 years, building this up from scratch as I'm not a social animal. 

None of the people in my life with would say anything like your 'friends', if they did they'd be out of it at the point they finished the sentence, blocked and not given a moment's thought.

Have you spoken with your doctor about possible neurodiversity traits yet? 

Pollycat

Whenever I see one of your threads, sim2335, my heart sinks because I know that you'll be really stressed out by something one of these so-called friends or your family have done that has upset you.

I wish I could show you how real friends behave.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you the social life you so desperately want.
Like MovingForwards, I have friends that I do different things with. Sometimes we overlap socially which is lovely.

I know from past threads that you've tried online dating without success.
Do you do anything at all socially?
Have you considered an evening class? Cooking maybe? Join a rambling group?

NBLondon

sim2335 said:

The reason he wants to go is because he can approach girls, and see same girls everyday, so easier.

That's great for him - why does he need you there?

Does he think this is a chance for you to meet girls as well?  Is he trying to be helpful?   Do you want to meet girls? (You don't need to answer that here - but ask yourself the question?)

If there was no COVID, would you be happy to go?   Do you actually want to go for you?  Or did you say you would go because he wanted you to?

Can he really not go on his own?  You say no-one else will go with him - does he have no new friends in his new city?

sim2335 said:

Last time he got annoyed because I said I will go a few days, then weekend were gona be sold out unless your brought wristband for £50 for everyday, which he did without even asking me.

Then I was unhappy about paying for wristband.

Have you paid him the £50 for the wristband?  If yes - then simply say "I can't come because of COVID"  A real friend will try and sell on the wristband and give you back the money.  If that festival is already selling out then he should be able to sell it.  If you haven't paid yet - tell him to try and sell it on first.  If he bought it without you agreeing to the whole week then offer him the amount of money you should have paid for the few days you wanted to go.

If he tries to guilt trip you - he is proving that he is not really your friend.

NBLondon

MovingForwards said:

Have you spoken with your doctor about possible neurodiversity traits yet? 

This.  Ask your therapist too.  If they are dismissive - find a different therapist.