The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

I've been feeling a bit fragile in the last few days, but I am slowly starting to feel a bit less vulnerable. I'm trying to make plans for my mental recovery.

I've printed off a 2023 calendar from the calendarpedia website (I never buy calendars as I'm too cheap for that 😂) and I've marked all of my non-working days and all of my annual leave and all of the days that the university is shut. Then I counted how many working days there are in each month and put a little summary number at the bottom of each month. That's made this Countdown to Quit much easier to deal with. I have 3 working days left for January 2023 as I don't work Fridays and only 16 working days in February 2023. It's made me feel better about the fact that I can't leave and go anywhere any time soon.

I've done my induction for the digital marketing course and signed my learning agreement and that starts on 6 February 2023. It will be a juggling act with work and everything else, and that is daunting. But I feel so excited that I am doing something for myself. And it will keep me focused on my way to changing careers. 

I was offered a place on the pain management course to start this Monday 30/01/2023 but I had to turn it down as I didn't realise (kinda stupidly) that standby literally meant the next week! I'm still on the normal waiting list, but I knew that I couldn't just leave work for 3 weeks whilst I'm waiting for them to make a decision about the parental leave and I'd need to arrange things with my mum before my son goes to stay with her. And mentally prepare him for my absence and change of environment. They said I can stay on the standby list for now, but if it's not practical, then I will have to wait and there's an average 6 month wait time.

I think I'll just call them back and ask them to keep me on the normal list. I realised I also was a bit panicky at not having myself mentally prepared to go and stay away from home for 3 weeks. So I think having the 6 months or so to wait, although painful to admit (pun intended), is for the best, unless I get a sudden spot in March when I'm more likely to be able to leave work and I'll know either way about the parental leave. Still kinda sucks though as the limited effect of the lidocaine treatment is wearing off. But the stress of the time off hanging in the balance would just make it hard for me. Especially as I have a meeting with my manager on Monday and I'm hoping for an update by then.

On the financial front, I've decided to completely cut back my direct debits for my debt repayments and focus on savings from April 2023. By that point I will have cleared enough on my Barclaycard to allow me to do a balance transfer for MBNA and then reduce my direct debit for Barclaycard so it's still above the minimum monthly payment. I'll have an extra £150 a month to save by restructuring my debts and reducing the monthly payments from £600 a month to £450 a month. This will also mean that I have less to save to cover June 2023 and July 2023's debt repayments. 

I want to have £1,000 in my emergency fund by 31/12/2023 and be one month ahead on my bill's so that my final salary in December 2023 can add to it and it will cover my bills to February 2024. 

Once I leave my job and get my head on straight, I'll be able to start afresh with a new outlook and I can then tackle the next part of my debt free journey. So much has happened in the last few months and I just feel like I need to heal. Give myself permission to take some time out and just try and recover from everything.

This mental debt struggle is more draining than I thought it would be and I feel like I need to recalibrate in the best way possible. And that means saving up to have a proper break from working and grinding, with no chaotic freelancing and a soul destroying job. Taking parental leave won't give me that time out, as it will be a stressful time. But by saving up to move on - despite the debts - that's the best gift I can give myself. As being trapped in a job and a lifestyle that causes me sleepless nights, is a choice. I didn't realise that until I've started to condition myself to think differently. It's very tough going, but with micro changes it can be done.

I can't get rid of the bipolar, the chronic fatigue syndrome or the fibromyalgia. I didn't have a choice when I developed these conditions. But I have a choice how it governs my life. And I choose to live as free as possible. And to shape that freedom on my terms. 

Sun_Addict

We spend a lot of time at work so it needs to be something enjoyable and definitely not soul destroying. Sounds like you’ve got a good plan in place for the future and that’s a great attitude to have about things outside your control. 

Hope you start feeling stronger soon. 

LittleMissDetermined

As much as it weighs us down being in debt @Keedie, you need to look after your mental health and I think changing your plan makes total sense. I have been in a job I hated and it feels like it destroys your soul... However you need to do this, we are 100% cheering you along and will be here to support you

AntoMac

Even though you’re slowing down your repayments Keedie you’re still getting your debts down so it’s all good. Putting more of your money aside gives you the future opportunity for a full and proper break. Shame you had to miss the pain management course but it will come around again.
One small bit of advice I would give is try not to wish time away if you can. We only ever have the moment we’re in, and time passes quickly enough as it is. I believe that even in difficult times (and these are certainly difficult times) there is something good in every day.

Keedie

Thanks @Sun_Addict, I'm slowly feeling a little better every day. Work is such a massive part of our lives and so you're right, it definitely needs to be something enjoyable. The days are so long and painful when you're doing a job that is slowly eroding who you are at your core. It's a lot to battle with as it can easily make you too despondent to experience any change. So yes, @LittleMissDetermined, changing plans and focussing on my mental health is the right thing to do.

I had a good session with my therapist today and we were looking at setting boundaries and working through my anxieties about quitting work and giving myself permission to have a mental health break and a reset. I'm so very tired with my life, so I'm trying to be proactive to make changes. It's just tough going. It's funny that you should mention not wishing life away @AntoMac, as one of my goals for my recovery is to carve out more Me Time and we've been doing mindfulness exercises in my therapy sessions to make me acknowledge and appreciate life's little blessings more.

LittleMissDetermined

Sounds like you have a good therapist Keedie x

Makingabobor2

Sounds like you are doing so well and I love that last paragraph about ...shaping your freedom on your terms. That is a brilliant attitude and one we should all aspire to. 

Keedie

I've cleared 33% of my debt as of today's increased direct debit payment to Barclaycard of £427.33 went through. So I've paid £637.87 since 01/01/2023 off my debts so I'm quite pleased with that!

I'm hopefully in a strong position to be able to get the parental leave approved, based on a catch up that I had with my manager today and that means that I need to get saving! Fingers crossed I'll have a balance transfer deal on my Barclaycard in March/April 2023 so that I can clear the MBNA card and then switch my focus to building my debt repayment PAD pot and my bills PAD pot. 

My therapist is really great @LittleMissDetermined and she is really helping me to think more of what I need and what can make a difference in my life and my future. So I am very grateful. Giving myself permission to think of myself more has inspired me to do better @Makingabobor2 and that has really helped with my mindset. I definitely feel more inspired.

LittleMissDetermined

This is a very positive post Keedie, I can't believe you've cleared a third of your debt in such a short amount of time! You're doing fabulously well

I'm so pleased it looks like your leave will be approved, at least then you can take that time to focus on your son and not worry about your workload. Hopefully it will be confirmed soon for you. 
LMD x

Keedie

Yes I can't believe 1/3 has gone either @LittleMissDetermined! This forum has really helped me and having a diary for accountability makes all the difference. It's been a very bumpy road, but I feel more in control of my finances, even though this year is going to be tough with a planned loss of income and trying to save to leave my job.

My manager said she's been advocating on my behalf with the deputy director as I told her, that the reality is that I know I'll become seriously unwell and I know I will be off for a long period of time and I don't want to needlessly have a severe episode and have to spend months recovering. Especially when I am proactively trying to prevent becoming so unwell. Even the point where I am willing to be unpaid so that I can have a break. I will still be affected, but removing the pressures of work means that I have a better chance of bouncing back quicker. And I could have just got signed off at the time and ensured that I was paid, but that would have been unfair to everyone around me with an unplanned absence and would jeopardise my driving licence renewal when I have my bipolar review later this year. 

I'm sick today though. My body just wouldn't cooperate this morning and I've been bed bound ever since. I was meant to go bowling 🎳 this evening for one of the manager's leaving do (I wouldn't bowl because I'm not physically able to, but I would have just hanged out with everyone). So I'm a bit sad that I'll miss it. But I can't get out of my flat and down 3 flights of stairs let alone drive across London in rush hour or take the tube 😩.