The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

Aww thank you @Humdinger1! I'm trying to be more positive in my mindset and just say thank you, but the pre-conditioned part of my brain is finding all sorts of evidence as to why I'm not an inspiration or a good mum. But I'll try and quiet the noise... 🥺.

I went to my bipolar group yesterday and it was really good. I didn't go to the pub afterwards as I have no money and my son was a little sad, so I wanted to get back home and be there in case he needed me. Turns out he didn't really interact with me, but I think he appreciated my presence. We have a family meeting just the two of us tomorrow, to go over our plans for his revision and in general and I'm going to do lots of personal admin as I'm so behind.

I started to panic a little about my credit card repayment plan and had a crisis of confidence in my ability to pull it off. And started doubting leaving work. But then I went to my group yesterday, and we were talking about work and some people worked full time, some part time and others not at all for several years or are currently signed off work. And then I realised that it doesn't matter, and that I know in my heart what works for me. And there's something quite freeing about giving myself permission to have a break and to concentrate on my recovery.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that I was concerned about the finance aspect. But then I remembered that I survived 2 years without working and I lived on benefits and sporadic freelancing and I survived. So I can take as long as I need to get well again. I'm just hoping I can make it to December, because that's the real danger 🤦🏾‍♀️.

LittleMissDetermined

I think getting yourself well is important and therefore should be a priority. Not just for you but for your son too xx

Makingabobor2

Agree with LMD's comment. You can't put a price on health. You only have 1 body and 1 shot at this life, so make it the best you can. You are doing a great job. x

beanielou

If you can't make it to December for whatever reason you could be signed off? 

AntoMac

A bit of self doubt is very normal @keedie. You’re far from alone with that.
You have been battling on for a long time and are of course feeling the physical and mental strain.  Try to take a moment to remember how far you have come and how much you have achieved. Your original debt was over £33k and it’s now under £15k. 

It’s still Winter and brighter, lighter days are coming. You’ve got a robust plan and proper goals to work towards. 

It is of course hard work but you’re doing an amazing and inspiring job…….. whether you believe us or not 
Try and heed the very good advice already given to look after your own health. 

Keedie

Thank you all, you're all so kind and you really do inspire me to keep trying and to keep going. 

I'm definitely going to focus on my health. I'm so tired all the time and burnt out and I've been struggling mentally. But you're right @LittleMissDetermined and @Makingabobor2, health is the most important thing, as without it, we don't have much else.I'll be joining the gym next month as Better has a disabled membership that allows you to use all the facilities and it's discounted. I want to try swimming again as that used to really help me in the past and it's not too heavy on my joints. 

I'm very scared to get signed off if I'm being honest @beanielou. Even though I know that I have desperately needed the time out since last summer. My hesitation is mainly as my driving licence is under health review and restriction due to the bipolar, my driving licence runs out in January 2024 as they only gave it to me for a year. So I would need to reapply for it again in about 8 months time and undergo another medical review and in that time they speak to my psychiatrist again and look at my medical history in that period to see if I have been stable enough for a new licence to be granted. I'd need to speak to the psychiatrist to see what type of questions were on the medical form that they sent him. As I don't want to jeopardise my ability to drive as physically, getting from A to B especially now that I have the blue badge, it's a lifesaver. 

I'd forgotten my original debt value @AntoMac, so thanks for the reminder. It took me 6 years to nearly halve that £33k to £17k in April 2022, then the debt went back up again with the school fees to £22k in August 2022. So to be under £15k in January 2023 is a great achievement when I properly look at the whole picture. I think I'm just too hard on myself. But putting my health first and working on my exit strategy from work.

I'm trying to focus on phase one of my PAD Pot for my debt payments, so that I know that if the time off is granted, then I've covered those payments and I need £945.34 by 30 April 2023. That's each direct debit or standing order twice over and I've got them in priority order based on what will make it achievable mentally:

1. MBNA at £100 (£50 a month) with £88.89/£100 saved (88.89% saved)
2. Creation at £145.34 (£72.67 a month) with £0/£145.34 (0% saved)
3. Barclaycard at £600 (£300 a month) with £0/£600 (0% saved)
4. School Fees at £100 (£50 a month) with £0/£100 (0% saved)

Once the balance in that account exceeds £100, I know that I can cross of MBNA and then start tracking Creation. I should earn some pennies of interest eventually as Chase is increasing their interest rate to 3% next week.

I will start a tracker for the monthly bills and fixed expenses in the same way in terms of expense by expense. But I'll do that 3 times if possible, so that I'll have a one month full expenses, before restarting to see if I can set aside month two and month three. I'll need to work out which ones are priorities in terms of bills on a mental wellbeing and mandatory basis. I know rent, council tax and TV licence has wider implications so they'll be in the top 3, but things that I can't live without like my Kindle subscription will be quite high up as well. I'm not so fussed about gas and electricity, as I'll be switching my heating off in April but keeping the same direct debit so hopefully should be able to build up some credit again. And if I get the cost of living payments from the government, most of it would go into my Octopus account so that I can heat my joints in the winter without being scared of the bill.

Mr brother gave me another £10 today and so that went straight into the PAD Pot. He's set up a standing order, and so I counted 11 weeks from now until the end of April 2023, so that'll be £110 to boost the balance - yay! lol

Makingabobor2

What a kind brother you have. Cherish him. We don't all have relatives who are willing to help us. 

Keedie

Oh he's definitely a kind brother @Makingabobor2, and the only one that I have. But he's sending me £10 a week as he owes me money as I did a money transfer and gave him some money, so this is for me to repay the credit card. 

Makingabobor2

Keedie said:

Oh he's definitely a kind brother @Makingabobor2, and the only one that I have. But he's sending me £10 a week as he owes me money as I did a money transfer and gave him some money, so this is for me to repay the credit card. 

Aah, but at least he's paying you back...some don't.

Sarahwithlove

Good news about your brother starting the repayments hopefully he can keep them going