The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

Yes I'm really happy that there's consistent payments, as it helps me to plan. I don't think he realised how much anxiety my finances causes me, but once I explained it to him, he changed his own plans around to accomodate the repayment so for that I am grateful. I do think it's extremely rude if you owe someone money to deliberately not pay them, especially when they have helped you in good faith.

I once had an ex-boyfriend who moved into a new flat and convinced me to put his new TV on my Argos card (yes I was naive and too trusting) and he then just ghosted me and moved again (although in hindsight he may not have even really moved into that place), and I was left paying off a £600 TV that I've never seen since!

Harsh lesson learned and I've stopped being so accommodating, but with family it's different and I'm probably sometimes too accommodating. But then again, they do say never lend what you cannot afford to lose...

Keedie

Forgot to say that I send another £4.20 to my PAD Pot as my PIP came through, so I've got £93.25 in there now, and that's £93.25% of two month's worth of MBNA payments. Yippee! lol

Keedie

My little Noose PAD Pot is coming along nicely! I cashed out £1.95 from Qmee as I did some surveys whilst waiting in A&E as my son has a football injury and a swollen left knee that's not getting better. Turns out he has a soft tissue injury that will take a few weeks to heal, so no sports or strenuous activity and he needs to rest. He laughed at me for doing surveys in the waiting room on my phone, but when I told him since we'd sat there I'd earned nearly £2 and what had he done, he quickly shut up 😂.

I sent my friend in America £10 via cash app towards the fundraising for his daughter's cheerleading competition in Florida (they live in New York), and he had to raise $850 by next week. He told me not to worry as he took it out of his 401K (I died inside at that information and cringed as I know the penalties for withdrawing from your pension over there isn't light 😬). Anyways, he completely misjudged the conversion and sent me $20 which turned out to be £16.53. When I tried to give the additional £6.53 back to him, he told me to keep it and buy myself some lunch. So I popped it in my Noose PAD Pot.

I'm now 10.83% of the way to Phase 1's £945.34 goal as I have £102.35 in there and the breakdown is as follows for two months of each debt bill:

1. MBNA at £100 (£50 a month) with £100/£100 saved (100% saved)
2. Creation at £145.34 (£72.67 a month) with £2.35/£145.34 (1.62% saved)
3. Barclaycard at £600 (£300 a month) with £0/£600 (0% saved)
4. School Fees at £100 (£50 a month) with £0/£100 (0% saved)

Having these mini goals makes it feel so much more achievable. So I'll definitely be doing one for my bills pot on the weekend.

Can't sleep as I'm becoming hypomanic because of the stress and pressure I've been under, so hopefully that will pass. As I'm feeling really wired and tired. Eugh 🤨.

LittleMissDetermined

I hope your son’s injury is quick to heal Keedie and it doesn’t impact his future footballing.  Nice work on the waiting room surveys though, i
a good way to pass the time and make a bit of cash 😊

How kind of you to send your American friend a contribution, and he must be a kindred spirit to not want the difference back. A nice little addition to your PAD pot, but could it be used for a small meal when you go to the pub after your therapy session one week? Just do you could use it for what it was intended.

I truly hope you’re feeling better soon Keedie, sending you lots of love
LMD x

Keedie

Yes I hope so too @LittleMissDetermined as he's quite moody because he's in a lot of pain and can't play football or go to the gym. He couldn't go to college and so he's not happy that he's been in the flat with me all day. 

I was quite proud of my surveys passing the time even though he still thinks I'm quite sad 😂.

I have too much excitement about reaching my first target with the Noose PAD Pot to take the £6.53 out of there, but I have put the equivalent into my spending money pot so that I can put it aside for next month's bipolar group as I wasn't able to go to the pub last week after the group.

I'm feeling a bit better today thank you. I didn't sleep much and I woke up confused and frazzled, but today was better at work as I've started to let go more and not be so helpful. It's difficult, but necessary. I started my digital marketing course this week and being able to focus on laying the groundwork for my creative freelancing is making me really excited. I'm daring to hope and that, coupled with the fact that I get my sharpie out after work every day and mark a little black 'x' over the date, that I've crossed one more day off and I'm closer to getting outta there. Yippee.

LittleMissDetermined

Glad you’re starting to feel a bit better, I’m sure your son will brighten up as he gets more mobility too.

I think starting to step back and be less helpful at work is the right thing to do, even if it feels uncomfortable.  It’s essential for your own well-being.

Keep crossing off the days!
LMD x

Keedie

He's feeling a lot better as he realised that next week is half term 😂.

We watched The Menu last night on Disney+, as we've decided that Thursdays will be our chillax and family time. We're both usually busy on a Saturday and Sunday and during the week it is just hectic. He was really excited that I suggested it and he's looking forward to picking the film next time. I taught him how to make cheesy pasta last week and we've also decided that we'll cook together one day a week, so he's happy about that too. I'm trying to put more routine and structure into our lives and I'm hoping to keep him focussed for the next few months by having set things in place to help him feel more grounded when his anxiety goes through the roof. 

In terms of work, it's very uncomfortable not being there for people, and always fixing things. But I have to consciously remind myself that I am being kind to myself it's okay to make myself a priority, and that I cannot carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's quite liberating, even though it's scary. My therapist has been helping me through setting and maintaining boundaries and learning to be more assertive. It's incredibly hard, but I am trying.

I had some roundups and cash back so paid some more money in the Noose PAD Pot, so there's £104.70 in there now. It's plodding along nicely 🤗.

AntoMac

I have no doubt you are still doing your job perfectly well Keedie. What you aren’t doing is over committing at the cost of your own health, which can only be a good thing. Good work between you and your therapist. It’s not easy changing habits but sounds like you’ve got something in place now.
I’m sure half term has come at a good time for both you and your son. Talking of school I helped out with mock interviews for 15/16 year olds at a local school last week. It was really rewarding. I wonder is there any kind of similar thing that can be done for your lad at some point? It felt to me that the kids we spoke to really got a lot out of it. 

Keedie

Thanks @AntoMac, and you're right, I'm not over committing at work and it's very uncomfortable, but I'm slowly trying to train myself into doing it more often. I'm still getting my work done, but I am not as burnt out by the end of the day. 

My therapist is amazing and I feel a little guilty that I wasn't initially sure about her as she's a student. But if she can have such a profound effect on me whilst she's still training, her patients over the years are going to be very very fortunate. She's encouraging but reminds me when I'm being too hard on myself and has to often point out when I have done something well as I don't always see it.

Sounds like the mock interviews was a great experience for everyone. My son could definitely do with some kind of help there, as he has an interview for a sixth form college on 9 March. He's very nervous and trying to pretend he's quite nonchalant about it all, but I can see he's anxious. Personally, I'm just quite worn out by it all. I've very grateful for my overpriced hypmomanic inspired holiday in July, as that's what is keeping me plodding along at the moment... 🥺.

I sent £10 to The Noose PAD Pot as the standing order from my brother comes through on Mondays. That pot has £116.96 in there now, so it's 12.37% of my overall target. They're still ignoring my request at work. So I am going to scan my son's birth certificate as that is needed as part of the parental leave application, and I will email my manager and ask for a response. I'd just rather know where I stand. 

But the good part of this whole parental leave stuff, is that it has forced me to look at my finances properly. I've been trying for the longest time to create a really structured budget spreadsheet that does graphs and fancy stuff but isn't overwhelming and I found one as a digital download on Etsy and it has really helped me. An initial outlay of £11.52 inc VAT, but well worth its weight in gold. It's helped me to look at my finances on an annual as well as monthly basis and that has been insightful indeed! It has  section for all types of expenses, bills, savings, debts etc. It's quite impressive as it has net worth calculator, debt snowball calculator and savings, bills and subscriptions tracker and section to record bank transactions. It came with a handy PDF instruction booklet and a link to a YouTube video that explains it all. My son simply shook his head when he saw me excitedly watching the video and when I showed him the actual spreadsheet he just said, "Wow! That's so you" and looked rather horrifically impressed 😂.

I'm hoping the budget tracker will keep me on top of things with cash and zero budgeting. I'm starting to get used to using cash more now and it is helping me. I'm actually able to keep on top of the penny challenge a bit better now as well, as I had it virtually and then spent it. So a tin that requires a can opener to get at it, is the best choice really lol.

I also opened a government Help to Save account, and was quite excited by this, as it feels good to slowly be saving for the future and to not be so anxiously preoccupied with my debt repayments. It'll take 4 years to complete, and I'm aiming to save the full £50 allowance each month to get the maximum savings bonus. I've stopped kicking myself for not opening a LISA to help with my retirement, but such is life.  When I'm self-employed from next year, I'll have to find a good pension scheme as I won't have an employer making contributions on my behalf, but I'lll look into that later in the year...

Keedie

Things are starting to look up...🤞🏾 My unpaid parental leave was approved! 🎉🎉🎉

Knowing that I will have a week of annual leave and then 4 weeks parental leave to cover the exam period has made me feel so much better mentally. My siblings seem to think I'm being unnecessary and a bit extreme by taking the time off when it's not normal, but I know that the stress of that time will be a lot. For both of us. And I just cannot give consideration to working when I know that I will have to be flexible. But I'm sad. Because he's not really studying and I know that there will be a bottlenecked panic of despair nearer the time when it hits him how serious this is. And I will have to pick up the pieces. But I'm just so so tired. 

I really do need that 'break' to look forward to, as I feel like I'm just hanging on by autopilot, and if I don't lighten my load at that point, I will break. But the financial side is a concern if I'm being honest. My little Noose PAD Pot is ticking along and I have £144.62 in there. But I must admit, knowing that the parental leave was approved, has made it a reality that I will have a lower income for a couple of months. And it made me realise that having no income at all from January 2024 whilst I've got debts is going to be much harder to manage anxiety wise 😬. But I hate my job 🥺.

So, to be kinder to myself, I've given myself a contingency end date of June 2023, and I will assess where I am with my debts and savings in November 2023, as that would be when I am due to submit my resignation to leave in December 2023. But I am still crossing off my working days, and getting things in place so that I can leave. But I have made peace with myself, that if I need to extend my end date by a month or (eek!) a few months so that I am in a better financial position, then I will just have to suck it up. Up to 6 months more employment means that I would have cleared 80% of my credit card debt, or have much better savings. I might have to do that and find a way to get through the days if it comes to this. But this is still my mental worse case scenario.

I definitely need to get a balance transfer in place in the coming months to give me some breathing room. My friend said that she saw a deal for 48 months 0% interest. My credit utilisation isn't really low enough to get one of those length of deals, nor is my credit rating high enough, but I'm hoping that by overpaying and bringing the balances down, I can get something to help me out for 18 months, then reassess in December 2023. As my debt repayments are £600 a month, I'd ideally like it to be £300 including the £50 to my mum. This will make next year with sporadic income a lot easier to manage. 

My sealed pot challenge will be completed on 26 October 2022, and as it now has my penny challenge as part of it and that's worth £667.95, I think I should get around £900 overall if I complete the penny challenge, as there a few £2 coins in there and some notes. That sealed pot will take care of Christmas 2023 and towards 2024 birthday presents etc. I don't know if I'll be able to complete the 52 week envelope challenge, that is worth £1,378, but I'll give it my best shot and see what I have accumulated by December 2023 for my bill payment and debt repayment savings for when I leave work. 

I'm going to sit down tomorrow and reassess my sinking funds as I think I had too many and it was a bit overwhelming (and mostly empty). So I think I will snowball them so that I fund one at a time, and I just need to work out the priority order and the amount that I need for things like car maintenance, my son's birthday, clothes etc. I rediscovered The Budget Mom on YouTube and she has some great trackers and worksheets for free on her website, so that will help me to refocus and reset everything. Well that's the plan anyways...