The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

Thanks @AntoMac, your support really means a lot to me. The money from MBNA would mainly come from care job, but I'd have to top it up. You're not interfering so don't worry, and you do make a very valid point about what I owe my mum. She's not pressuring me for anything, and the repayment plan that I proposed was agreed before I decided to keep the car, and my expenses/outgoings was different. I'll have another sit down and think of how I can still repay her, but deal with it differently. I'll see if I can pay her less per month and concentrate on really snowballing MBNA from January 2023. In all honesty, she won't really care how much I pay her as she knows that I will always consistently pay her. It's my guilt and pride that makes me want to repay her quickly. 

The MBNA offers did used to be longer, but that 5% for 1 year seems to be virtually consistent so it's a positive way of looking at my chances of moving things around next summer. Ideally I'd need a money transfer from MBNA, so that I can use that to clear what I owe them before the interest kicks in and then use the rest to pay a chunk towards Barclaycard. The more I can clear, the less I'll need from the money transfer for MBNA itself. And my brother owes me £547 and my sister owes me £303, so that's £850 that can be shaved off if they cough up on time like they promised.

It was a great feeling to be able to eat out and not worry too much about what I was spending and to even be able to give my nieces and nephews £1 each to enjoy in the arcade from the family fun pot. I've found that banking with Chase helps with day to day spending as there are separate bank accounts all linked to one card number that you can toggle between and 'spend from' whichever one you need at the time. This has helped to separate out my travel costs, from my weekly allowance, food shopping etc. It's fantastic. And coupled with Monzo's ability to hold multiple direct debits in pots that I can lock and they predict how much money needed to meet my commitments, it makes a massive difference. 

My son starts Year 11 in the morning and he's so anxious and upset about it that I hope he manages to calm down and have more faith in his ability to do this.

Keedie

So I picked up the car today and I'm £526 lighter, but at least it drives smoothly now. The insurance quote I had expired, which was a bit cheeky lol, but I managed to get another quote with my same insurance provider at a discount after threatening to leave, and it has much better breakdown cover for £41.20 with no deposit to pay and the first instalment on 28/10/2022. There's an £18.98 difference annually, but less hassle and I don't have to find £71.92 now for a deposit as I just spent all my reserves on fixing the car, even though the repayment term is 10 months not 12. So I'll suck up the 12 month payments

It was the first day of term today and it was a bit of a rocky start but it ended well enough. My son had a major anxiety attack last night and couldn't sleep well at all, so I let him sleep in this morning and I logged onto his lessons and took notes and then gave him an overview when he woke up and he logged onto the last lesson after lunch without needing to be moaned at. Not perfect, but I'll take that as a win. I'm taking this as an introductory week, and he can settle back in. He's charged his laptop so that he's ready and I've laid out his exercise and text books with a colour coded copy of his timetable that I made and printed for him. 

This evening we also put up his new curtain pole and curtains and it was a bit hard battling with the drill I borrowed from my mum. Mainly because I didn't really know wha I was doing, the battery died as I hadn't charged it enough and my balance on the ladder wasn't too great. But at least he'll be able to go to sleep with the blackout curtains and hopefully that will help him to feel more settled for tomorrow's lessons. I'm going to see if I can drag him out of bed for a walk, to wake him up and get some fresh air into his lungs and his head on straight before he logs on at 8.30. 

We had a good talk yesterday and I told him that all I'm asking for is that he genuinely tries his hardest. I want him to do well, but if he falls short, I'd be incredibly proud if I know that he has given it his all. Yesterday when we were at our family dinner, my mum made a speech for my nephew and we all gave him some money to congratulate him on his GCSE results and he was so stunned and touched. My son was also a bit overwhelmed by it all, and then he realised that we were genuinely looking for him to try his hardest, irrespective of the outcome. My nephew has not got the level of GCSEs that the average child would be happy with, but he's been very ill for the last couple of years and we didn't think he would even be able to sit his exams, so each grade is cherished. My son saw how much my nephew was respected for trying with everything that he had, even though he didn't get the grades he wanted, and I can see that it has given him a level of motivation to push for his own success. So for that I'm very grateful.

Chrystal

Your post brought tears to my eyes... you should be very proud of your family.  XXX

Keedie

Aww thank you @Chrystal, I really do love my family and I'm very proud of them. Like all families they annoy me at times, but I know that I'm lucky to have them as they're very supportive and we go out of our way to spend as much time together as a family as possible. The kids loved bowling and somehow my 4 year old nephew won! And it was great seeing all the kids enjoying themselves at the restaurant too, and my eldest sister, the autistic one was beside herself with excitement and all the activities for her birthday.

I filmed the speech and my nephew was so taken aback that we were celebrating and praising him that his hands were shaking when he was opening his card and he had tears in his eyes when he realised that he even got some money. He cleaned up as well and got £100 so far, with more to come from other family members and his dad. He's already ordered himself some new football boots, as he's going to study BTEC Sport with a football club's academy, so he's using the money to invest in the tools that he needs to secure his future as a footballer or working within the sports industry. We're all very proud of him, as his school offered for him to repeat the year and he refused as he knew what he wanted in life.

My son has a long way to go with his confidence and determination, but he is starting to have a vision, and can imagine himself at sixth form or a football academy as well. So baby steps and it'll probably be 1 step forward and 10 steps back along the way, but he'll get there.

The weekly savings/PADs came out today:

£5 to Octo Pain pot (£15/£600 = 2.5%)
£5 to Emergency Fund (£560.20/£750 = 74.69%)
£6.80 to PAD pot (£25.31/£150 = 16.87%)
£10 to birthdays pot (£10/£120 = 8.33%)

I managed to fix the car without using the emergency fund after all, as one of my freelance invoices was paid early. So as a result I used that money instead, so I'm glad that the emergency fund is still going. 

Keedie

I forgot to say that I put £10.50 into the sealed pot as I don't spend £2 coins or 50p coins as I usually save them towards holidays.

Keedie

I'm running on fumes at the minute as my son got up to go to the toilet around 2.20am and I then heard him foraging in the kitchen for snacks (I really reaaaally need to get some WD40 as that kitchen door is ridiculously creaky and loud!). I couldn't sleep for hours on end and then finally fell asleep again around 5.15am, and woke up startled for no reason after 7. I look a little rough as a result 🤣. 

Homeschooling day 3 is going a little better. I accidentally woke him up too early and was met with a scowl and half, but he ate breakfast and drank the smoothie I made and he's at the desk. So that's a win so far. It's going to be a loooooong 8 months until he sits his exams. Lord help me.

On a financial note, I can see that Octopus have updated their app settings with a button for getting money sent back to your bank account. So I think this is in preparation for the rebate happening from next month. If I've interpreted it correctly, and it gives me the choice to click the button and claim the rebate or just leave it in the account, then that will make life ten times easier and the increased direct debit to £150 plus the rebate should hopefully cover my energy charges as I'm heavily dependent on heating throughout the winter because of my joints.

But this little button has made me more hopeful, and I've currently got £351.21 credit. So hopefully this will be around £400 after the September 2022 bill has been produced as the increased direct debit starts from this month. If I can start the winter months in £400 credit, I'll be very grateful as I know that not everyone is so fortunate. And it will go a long way to helping me feel less anxious about how quickly I'm going to burn through that. I'll be able to concentrate on staying well and hopefully. I'll be switching my boiler from hot water only, back to heating and hot water on 01/10/2022, so I know the bill will sky rocket as that's when the prices rise too. I'm a bit baffled by possible fixed tariffs, but trying not to think too much about what it all means or I'll go mad  .

cinnamon123

Hi! I've been following your journey and Keedie you are doing so well. You are a wonderful mum, sister, aunt and daughter, and should be very proud.

Quick suggestion for your son - what about having him listen to some short meditations for students? There are plenty on YTube. He can listen whenever he wants and it could really help to build his confidence as well as keep him calmer. Really any meditation on mindfulness etc will be helpful but as he is still young, one aimed at students might be better. 

I'm a newbie so cannot add a link but there is a YTube video called "10 Minute Guided Meditation for Students". If you have time, listen and see if something like this might help. Ultimately it would just be one more person cheering him on and one more tool in his took-kit. (And he shouldn't feel he needs to sit up - tell him to sit, lie, drink tea, whatever - he'll still be listening )

We all have our moments be it needing to relax/calm down or find our inner confidence. Short YTube mindfulness/meditation videos can be helpful for finding a way to "self-soothe" or "internally self-promote." You can listen anytime, no one needs to know (if that is an issue or concern), and it's a tool that most people can access.  

Keedie

Thanks for checking in @cinnamon123 and for your kind words, they really do mean a lot to me. I try my hardest to be a good person, as there is so much bad in the world. I question my parenting everyday, all day, as it's so hard, but sometimes when I have a breakthrough it's the best feeling in the world. 

We reached a great place today and he was very positive about his focus and what he can achieve in his GCSEs. He was thankful and receptive to extra tuition and told me that the school lessons were more interactive than he thought and he was determined to push himself to stick with higher maths even though he's finding it really hard. But then he met up with friends from his old school after they finished and came back in a weird mood. He missed everyone which is understandable, and with him homeschooling, I know that received negative comments or disbelief. As all of the positivity more or less went out the window. I realised that he was getting irritable so we went for a drive (it's always soothed him since he was baby), and I just acted as if I wasn't in pain driving around the streets of London at night. 

He's started pushing back again and questioning why he's learning online and why he's not at school. I feel like I'm in Groundhog Day and going mad. In hindsight it wasn't the smartest move to let him go and see them, but he'd had a good day and I didn't want him to be isolated and frustrated, and it ended up happening anyway 😢. Parenting is so so hard. I feel like some days I just fail a little better than others, and some days I truly believe I can handle it all. But I'm worn out.

I listened to the guided meditation and it was really good thank you for the recommendation! It really helped me. When he settles down a bit, I'll try and see if he'll listen to it with me, and then do it for himself.

I'm starting to feel incredibly burnt out by everything. My hair is thinning and I've not had the mental energy to wash it in ages. I feel like I need to book a couple of days in a hotel all by myself and just sleep, read and go for some walks to clear my head. At least this weekend I'll be out of London. My friend's partner's birthday weekender that I wasn't going to go to as it's so expensive is this weekend. And I'm very grateful that I'd changed my mind and paid her in instalments. My sister is coming with me and we'll drive up there together. I really need a break and so does she. So from Friday to Sunday, I will be around adults in a country estate in Norwich, with accommodation, food, drink and entertainment all included. I'm looking forward to the comedian coming down as he's giving a private comedy sketch and there'll be a party afterward, with a DJ coming to play.

I feel really fragile right now, so I'm glad that my sister will be with me, and that my family encouraged me to get away. £200 on a weekend break is really pricey, but at least I won't have to spend a penny whilst I'm there and there's a swimming pool so that's a bonus 😁. 

I've spent some time this evening just staring out my bedroom window at the rain. And then I remembered that I had this poem by my desk and found it online again to print and put on the wall by my bed. I feel like I needed to give myself permission to just pause again. This is one of my favourite poems and always helps me through my darkest hours.

CRANKY40

My son has dyscalculia and for a long time school were telling him that he could pass higher maths. Eventually they listened and had him swapped to lower tier maths. He did achieve a grade 4 which was all he needed to do his college course so maybe your son doesn't need to struggle depending on what he wants to do for a career? Mine is just starting his second year at college and we flit between "I hate this course and I don't want to do it" which mostly happens when he has an assignment to do and "I can't wait to finish this course and get a job" which is when there is no extra work to do at home. He passed the first year without a problem and now has the equivalent of one and a half A levels but I find the emotional roller coaster a real struggle. 

I love the days when he is happy but then I could quite happily leave home myself on the other days so I have some idea of how you feel. I hope you enjoy your weekend get away with your sister. 

Keedie

There's been many times, especially in recent years and months that I've really resisted the urge to just pack a bag and go hide out by the sea - alone. But that's not really in the job description of parenting is it? I can't just run away even when I want to.

I think part of the problem is that I was broken before I became a parent and didn't know that what I was experiencing was poor mental health. It's only when I was referred to the perinatal mental health team and diagnosed with post natal depression that I realised that something was wrong and that there was help out there.

But when your child also has higher level or complex needs it can really send you on a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences, doesn't it @CRANKY40? I'm glad that your son was able to do the foundation paper and got a 4, as that must have been very hard with dyscalculia and so he should feel very proud of himself. You must be relieved that he has 1.5 A Levels and had no problems with his first year. I suspect we'll be having ongoing crises of confidence and meltdowns as long as he's studying and probably into his working life. He wants to study business at sixth form and eventually go onto a business degree. He needs 5 GCSEs grade 4 and above including maths and english for the Level 3 BTEC Business, or 6 GCSEs level 4 and above including 4 at English and 5 at maths for A Level Business or 5 GCSEs with a level 5 in English and Level 5 in Maths to do the T Level Management and Administration. I think he's leaning more towards the T Level as he'll get a 45 day/9 week work experience placement as part of the course and both the T Level and BTEC are equivalent to 3 A Levels and he can go onto uni.

I had a panelbase survey payout and this has gone straight into my Christmas Cheer pot, so it's now £233.03/£410 (56.84% saved). I also managed to squirrel away £9.17 yesterday from my change as I had 3x £2 and 3x 50p plus some other coins, and I put them all in my sealed pot. With the sealed pot challenge we're opening them on 27 October 2022, and I'm hoping for about £60-70 that I can bank and pay onto my Barclaycard, as that's where the balance of my holiday is sitting after my money transfer and I usually use sealed pot collections towards travel.