The Mental Debt Struggle...

Cherryfudge

I'm sorry for your loss. Be gentle to yourself.

Keedie

Thank you all for your condolences, it really does mean a lot to me 💖. I've not done much of anything in the last few days, and I felt guilty, but mostly I'm just very tired. So I am trying to be as kind to myself as I can be, by resting where possible, although I am still not sleeping very well. I'm averaging 2-5 hours a night, and I can feel myself becoming hypomanic, so I need to get on top of the sleep issue. The pharmacy had run out of the strong antihistamine that I was prescribed to help me sleep, so I'll need to get that today at some point.

My Granny's Nine Nights is tomorrow, so the family will come together at my Aunty's house where my Granny lived for the last few years. I think they're going to pray, go down memory lane regarding Granny's life, eat together, drink together and catch up with one another.

I've no clue what to bring for food, as there'll be a lot of people and I don't have the mental bandwidth to cook anything. On New Year's Day, me, my siblings and all our kids have the first dinner of the year together, and we each bring a dish. Cooking for around 18-20 people including husbands, ex-wives and girlfriends is quite a lot. That always leaves me knackered, and all I make is a large tray of macaroni and cheese and halal BBQ chicken wings. It takes days to recover. So I'll be buying something and bringing it tomorrow evening, but I need to get something I can easily commute with. As I'll be taking two overhead trains and I have a walk either side of the journey and lots of stairs to contend with whilst using my walking stick. But I will get an uber home. My son is arriving on his moped, so he's not allowed any alcohol.

And, well you're right about life continuing through offspring @AntoMac, as me and my sister counted the number of people in our family that are descendants of Granny and there is quite a few of us. My mum has 7 siblings and they all had children, and some of them are also grandparents. So just my mum, is her, plus 5 children and 10 grandchildren, so that's 16 people just from my mum's bloodline, herself included. In total, from my mum's siblings, their kids and grandchildren, we're 63 people. So my Granny's legacy is 63 people and counting! And she grew up as an only child, so that's really saying something…

The split food shop approach is definitely helping my son @daisy_1571 and he saves a little bit as well. I make him save 20-25% of his earnings for tax purposes as he's self employed. And he puts some money into savings, but I think he could set aside more. I told him that if he gave himself an ideal budget for the week, he could put everything after tax aside in his business account, and then when he pays himself, put some into tax and withdraw his weekly budget from that lump sum of money. That way he can have the same amount to work through each week, as he's constantly putting all the money in one place and withdrawing the same amount each week. So when he has a decent income, he still puts all of the post tax money in that pot, and he can use that boost to tide him over in weeks when he's earnt less. I introduced him to cash stuffing the other day and sinking funds, and he said he's saving that way, but I'm not so sure. He seems to spend a lot of time popping to the shop for snacks etc… 🤔.

beanielou

I’m sure no one would mind or even notice if you don’t take food just this once. Be kind to yourself. 🤗

daisy_1571

I bet there's enough food leftover you could feed another full meal for you all. So either take just yourself or jeven ust a token packet of biscuits if you don't want to arrive with nothing. If you go past any shops between your last vehicle and their house door buy it there so it has the shortest possible time to be carried. Or get your boy to carry it in a rucksack. Enjoy your nine nights meal, i bet there will be lots of memories and laughter.

Perhaps its time for the question - what category do you have for your snack runs to the shop? Have you an idea what you spend there over the week/month? Would it be cheaper to think about what you need for the week and buy it in bulk at the supermarket?

It might make him think. A single bar of chocolate at a corner shop is fine in an emergency but a packet of 3 at a supermarket is obviously better value for money. If he's trying to save a house deposit £20 a week on sweeties is a grand that could be in his saver account

Dxx

AntoMac

I hope your 9 nights event is a time of enjoyment, celebration and comfort for you and your family Keedie. What a wonderful legacy to have 63 descendants. Be as kind as you can to yourself. I’m sure your family appreciate all that you do for them despite your many challenges ❤️

Keedie

Thanks for the suggestions. I brought two bags of salad, coleslaw and a large tub of potato salad in the end. It complimented all of the other food, like chicken, rice, fish, salad, potatoes and noodles etc. My sister also brought fizzy drinks and the kids demolished them too.

I was too tired to even consider travelling an hour on public transport and walking up the hill with my walking stick and snails pace to get to my Aunty's. So I took an Uber there and got one back, and added a stop to drop off my niece and nephew. Spent £56 on Ubers - so at times like this I must say I miss driving, but not enough to consider getting a car and getting back behind the wheel. My son has Uber One which made it cheaper, but I need to get my own subcription as it's annoying us both when I keep asking him to book my trips to get a discount or if he's busy I'm paying full price to get around. It's £49.99 for the year, and I'll easily save that amount fairly quickly into the membership. I also need to sort out my London Taxicard now that I have a current PIP award, and hopefully I don't get turned down as I have the standard mobility component and not the enhanced mobility.

Anyways, when I arrived there was so many people in my Aunty's house that I was standing in the driveway, then I sat on the wall as I was in pain. When there was a break in the praying and singing, people moved further into the house and I was able to get inside. Despite all being there for a sad occasion, it was a typical 9 Nights, as everyone (once the prayers were out of the way) spent a lot of hours talking, catching up, reminiscing, eating, drinking and the kids were running around the house. It was a nice evening, and it was good to see some family that I have not seen in years. There were a lot of people that couldn't make it, so the funeral will most likely have at least triple the number of people.

I've got set aside some more money for my contribution to the funeral. I usually give £250 for family funerals, gravesite fees, the wake etc are hella expensive. I give £50 contribution to friends, aside from one friend who's dad died last year and they were flying his body to Nigeria and the cost of all of that was astronomical and so I gave her the family rate (so to speak). But that was only possible as his funeral coincided when I got that money last year that led to (short lived) debt free status.

When my Grandad died several years ago, all adults 18 and over contributed, but students and the unemployed were expected to give less. But I have some money in my savings challenges, so I can use that. I've got more discipline with savings when the money is in a challenge or set aside for set purpose. So I should be able to put the money back before it is needed.

daisy_1571

Glad you got there to join in with family at this time keedie.

thats interesting, I've never heard of people chipping in towards funerals, as far as I'm aware any funeral i've been at has been paid out the funds of the deceased. A more recent tradition, has been the collection for some sort of charity favoured by the deceased or their family or related to where/how they died like the hospice or mcmillan nurses etc. Years ago there was never a collection box at a funeral but its a nice gesture so I always contribute but for me thats more in the line of a tenner so doesn't need to be saved for - thats a lot of money everyone's expected to contribute to the actual funeral in your family. Perhaps its another line on your monthly pots that needs to be saved for so the money is always there?

In the same way, id now be putting a fiver away from now on to cover next years uber fee. That fiver is much cheaper than the equivalent annual expenses if you still had a car like tax, servicing, mot and insurance. The cost of a taxi journey itself is like the equivalent of petrol so overall it must be cheaper so definitely these are the times to use a taxi for your health.

Rest up this week if you can, dxxx

Keedie

It's all a bit complicated in a way @daisy_1571. The contributions to funerals that I make are voluntary for people outside of my family, that's a choice that I make as I know that funerals and everything that goes with it is expensive. For my actual family, I set aside £250 to help with everything, as our funerals are not small affairs and there is a limit to what someone's estate can do, and getting access to that money within a timely manner. In general, we like to help the family to ease the burden, whether that is practical or financial. Running errands and helping to organise things is a way of helping, as is financial contributions, but there is not a set amount that is expected of someone in terms of their time or money. If you can't contribute financially, then you can do something to help the family, like setting up and handing out the programme, directing people where to go, or setting up the wake or cleaning up afterward. If you're more of an acquaintance, then you just essentially turn up.

There's so many of us in our family that I doubt I'll be contributing £250, but I have personally earmarked it if needed. And people in the family tend to give what they can afford, unless the family has planned for set amounts, but that is usually to cover the add ons, and is not a big demand on people or actually mandatory. It's all very personal and there's no right or wrong way to do it. And when you attend a funeral, you don't ask about the costs, but depending on your relationship with the deceased's family, you may offer practical help and support or some money. It's a way to pay your respects and help the grieving family. But most people don't ask for any help with the funeral planning and wake, they just take care of it themselves as a family, but some of the guests then give them sympathy cards with money in it, and that helps to ease the financial burden.

There will be around 150 people at my Granny's funeral, if not more. There's us direct descendants and our partners, extended family and their family units, people from the church, family friends and so forth. The numbers add up quickly. There's no strict attendance, anyone that knows the deceased or someone who is grieving and want to show their support can attend. For example, one of my best friends invited me to her grandfather's funeral years ago, and I hadn't seem him since I was a teenager. But I was away on holiday for the funeral date, so I couldn't go. But if I had gone, I would have naturally brought my son to pay his respects (even though he had never met him, he knows my friend). I would also invite/bring my younger sister with me, as we used to hang out at my friend's grandparents house and have sleepovers there when we were teenagers. If my sister had come, even though she had 3 kids at the time, she wouldn't have brought them, as the grandfather was related to my friend not hers. But if they had known him, then they would have come if possible.

Anyways, you get a phone call to let you know that someone has passed away and then you look out for the funeral details, which nowadays, tends to be flyer via WhatsApp or something, and it has the address details and timings of the funeral, the burial site and the wake. You can then forward that to people that you would like to support you, or you know would like to pay their respects, that the family may not have contact details for. You don't really need to formally RSVP beforehand, but it's good practice to do so, even if it's via whomever sent the details, so that a family can guesstimate numbers and discuss transport/driving, to get people from one location to the next. I've been at funerals where I am the only person in my family attending, like a funeral of a friend, or friend's family and so I can take 4 people in my car from the church to the cemetery to the wake. I let my friend know before the funeral, and he knew people attending that didn't drive, so he coordinated it, and so he told me where to stand to meet the people, and then we got in my car and left the chruch and I took them to cemetery and wake. They were strangers and I've never seen them since. Sometimes, I just check with people hanging about after the service to see if they need transporting around, and people do the same to me if they see me just standing there. But people tend to let the family know if they can't come as it helps with the logistics and planning. And you're not obliged to go to all three sections (or two if its a cremation).

So the funeral aspect of the cortege, priest and ceremony, burial, flowers, getting the programme professionally printed with the hymns, poems, eulogy and pictures of the person and their family over the years and so forth, is not really cheap. So anything you can give (which is not mandatory), will contribute to that. I have a funeral plan to ease the burden on my son and my family. We're a large family, even just my immediate family, so I picked the top tier option that gives 2 vehicles for the family (although they wouldn't fit) plus all the standard bits and bobs.

But the main expense that is not really associated with the average estate funding, or funeral plans is the wake itself, because of how we do them. For us, due to the average size and different cultural norms for the deceased, it can create a lot of the expense. The wake usually take place in a large hall, if it's a lot of people attending, or takes place at someone's house if it can accommodate the guests. Sometimes the hall or an event space that you'd hire for a birthday or wedding, as it will have the tables and chairs needed. Sometimes, whatever space is used, is decorated with pictures of the person's life well lived, or there's a large picture of them next to the signing book so that you can write a message to them and the family. I've been to funerals with a dress code, where the family asks you to wear something with the deceased's favourite colour, and so I've worn a blue dress or accessorised with a purple shawl over a black dress.

Most of the time, it is in a hall, or an event space, and you plan for a large number of people and slightly overestimate numbers, so that you have enough space and food. Unless the family manages all of the food themselves (as in cooking it), the funeral is usually catered with full meals, and sometimes a starter of soup or something light whilst the food is being set up and people are arriving, as it's a long day for people. Then mains are usually via a buffet of dishes like brown stew chicken, BBQ chicken, fried chicken, curry goat, beef strips, fried fish, different types of rice, pasta, steamed vegetables, dumplings, plantain, vegetable curry or vegetarian options, coleslaw, salad and so forth (if they're Caribbean like me, whereas African funerals are sometimes even larger, with different meal options). And quite often there is some form of pudding or sweet treats. Plus actual sweets, crisps and snacks for little ones. As the wake can go on into the evening, there's usually a second set of food that is more like finger food to accommodate the late comers or the dwindling numbers as the day goes on.

And then there's drinks, for lots of people, so there's cases of water, canned drinks are easier to manage than pouring from a bottle, and sometimes they're in a large bin with water and ice to keep them cool or on a side table that is self serve. There's usually wine on the table, spirits at the makeshift bar at a table in the corner. Or if it's at a venue that has an actual bar with bar staff, then a tab is put behind the bar. And depending on the size of the crowd or the family's preferences, they'll either have a playlist of music in the background or an actual DJ. My brother in law's mum's funeral had a lovely live singer at the graveside and during the wake. And the grandkids released doves at the graveside. It all depends on personal preference, but they're not really small affairs.

It can definitely be done on a budget, and some people don't get their funerals catered etc, but when it's a very large crowd, it just makes sense to do so. Our funerals are coordinated events of grief and a celebration of life. If the wake is subdued, with little food or drink and has no atmosphere, it's kind of disrespectful/disappointing to the person who has passed away. Whereas for some, a large wake with a lot of people, especially if they don't know some of the attendees, that they are expecting to provide food and drink for, is seen as disrespectful.

For my Granny's funeral, my mum and her siblings are holding lots of family meetings to get all the details sorted out. So once they know what they want or need, they'll then let their individual families know what is needed and we'll take it from there.

daisy_1571

Thanks keedie, there's a lot in there that I recognise - in my background you get family in an official car or two. Everyone else just turns up so you have no real idea how many but can guess roughly based on age, places/clubs they attended, still working etc. A young person still working or a recent retiree with a lot of hobbies will get a large amount for example. Mourners often coordinate with the person sitting near them if they might need a lift to the wake, sometimes one of the family might ask 'can you take aunty jean if you've a spare seat please?'

Funeral itself happens in a crematorium in my normal experience, bit of a service by their religious person or more often nowadays a humanist officiate or a celebrant, summation of the life, maybe a song or two, generally you are back out in 30 to 40 minutes. Printed order of service has some photos, words of the song /hymn, maybe a poem and generally on the back words like "the family thank you for attending today and would be pleased to invite you to xx" often a local hotel or a bowling club/golf club especially if they or a family member was a member. Lots of people don't go back to the wake, maybe they have to get back to work or there's often a feeling that we'll im only a neighbour, or I'm only a work colleague so you leave it to family and close friends.

Those that do go back will likely get a cup of tea/coffee, a sandwich/sausage roll type buffet, there might be a free first drink from the bar. Everyone has a chat with whoever you end up next to, often a table of work colleagues, a table of neighbours, a random table and you start off with how did you know xx, there's often laughs about some funny story or other from their life. Its rarely a quiet event with a room full of people talking and laughing but rarely music or entertainment. Everyone tries to have a quick word with the chief mourners usually when you are getting ready to go if you haven't spoken to them already by that point. Generally something like lovely service, hope you are OK, if there's anything you need etc. Family respond with yes it was, yes we are fine considering, no no I think we are OK. There's often an exchange of goodness we must get together, we only see each other at weddings and funerals etc etc then you leave. So its generally all over an hour to an hour and a half later.

I went to a funeral once in central Scotland and they had a full sit down meal which seemed to be the norm in that part of the world. I couldn't begin to imagine how the hotel worked out how many to cater for but it went perfectly. As far as I'm aware no one rsvp'd so well done to them.

I love that there's so many different customs and ways which are so familiar and normal to some yet would be wildly different to some else's experience. My wider family and friends/colleagues generally aren't religious so I've not been to many in a church, being in a bigger city we had a choice of crem so I was most often at the very local one or the local one and saw a variety of bowling clubs and golf clubs as well as a couple of 'usual suspects' hotels near to the crems who were well used to funeral wakes in the function room. Only very occasionally have I had to find a church and a graveside and I felt a bit unsure of the correct form ie where to stand, kind of felt a bit like we were all just loitering nearby rather than an organised crowd and if the wind went the wrong way you had no idea what was being said and just had to judge by everyone else if there was a prayer being said.

Your celebrations sound much more organised in certain ways and definitely a celebration of life which is lovely 😍 very reflective of the person and must be comforting to the family

Daisy Xxxx

beanielou

@daisy_1571. Absolutely not the norm to have a sit down meal in central Scotland although it does happen occasionally.