The Mental Debt Struggle...

CRANKY40

My son needed a grade 4 which is why he chose to do the lower tier. He thought he would fail the higher tier but could possibly manage a 4 on the lower one. That may be a conversation worth having with your son if he is struggling?

Keedie

Yes I will try and have the conversation again, but he thinks I don't believe in him @CRANKY40. And that I'm just being negative. He's got an assessment with a tuition centre on Tuesday that I can pay for using my childcare vouchers and they do IGCSE tuition, so he'll be doing maths, science and english tuition there each week until his exams. Maybe he will be okay with the higher paper, but I'm not so sure.

Once he's had his assessment and has been level assessed, maybe then I can broach the subject with him again without him being so hyper sensitive. But the fact that he's so into his education again and wanting to succeed almost makes me think that he should just stick with it, but we'll see...

AntoMac

These are very tough times for you @Keedie
We’re all here to support you as best we can and you really are doing an amazing job. 

You are WAY too hard on yourself. You referred to yourself as ‘broken’ recently. You’re definitely not broken, you’re dealing remarkably well with the very difficult hand you’ve been dealt. Your son is at a very difficult age - reasoning with a 15 y/o is about as easy as nailing jelly to a wall! He knows deep down you believe in him, and all you’re asking him to do is try his best.
If I knew you in real life I’d be adding in a bit of finger wagging by now!   

I do like your inspirational quotes and poems. The one I think of for you is”It’s not how many times you fall down, it’s how many times you get back up again”. You certainly keep getting up again. A bit like the Tub Thumping song!
Keep going. You need the downs to appreciate the ups

Keedie

Yes these are very tough times indeed @AntoMac. You're incredibly kind and your support and encouragement means more to me than you'd ever know, so thank you very much. 

I am trying to have a kinder word to myself, but it's not easy. But I'll keep trying. And yes, don't worry, I see the virtual finger wagging and will take note 😁.

I think with the way my mental health has disrupted my life, it's also given me a unique perspective on how life can be. I do still feel broken, quite a lot of the time, but I think a change in perception of my cracks is desperately required. I've decided to start seeing my cracks and setbacks as part of the Japanese practice of kintsugi, using gold to repair cracks in pottery so that it weathers the storm of the breaks and knocks it's received and becomes more beautiful and reflective of imperfections that are celebrated. Like the bowl below.


You're right about interacting and reasoning with a 15 year old - hard work! He was up most of the night from what I can gather, so he's doing his lessons from his bed today, but he finishes at 1.30, so at least I'm not having to constantly check he's logged on. I have a funeral to go to, as my elderly neighbour passed away, so I'll be trusting him to keep on top of his timetable. He's showing more resilience and independence with his work, and will probably appreciate me not anxiously hovering around anyway 😂.

I have been on the receiving end of some scathing teenage glares when I've reminded him that he has a lesson or told him to focus 🙄. But he's shown more enthusiasm for his education and future this week than he has in recent months, so I'll capitalise on that. But boy is it a hard slog.

cinnamon123

All we can do is try to treat ourselves with the same grace and kindness that we show others. It can be hard at times but well worth it for everyone if we manage to do so.

I love the idea of kintsugi! It will remind me that all is not lost even when I think it may be

Your son seems to be moving in the right direction even though it may be 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I like to think that teenagers are still babies, just in big bodies. They need so much guidance and love as they face their futures but there is an urge to push back against authority and rules as they still want their way. It's not easy for either the parent or the child but you do what you do and hope everything turns out okay.

Hope you have a nice weekend! 

AntoMac

Those are very wise words indeed @cinnamon123. I also think teenagers particularly like testing boundaries with those who love them the most.
My teenager is quite a night owl too @Keedie. I often hear her moving around in the nigh5 and when she works she always gets the really late shifts.
I also had another decent BT come up from Sainsbury CC. Only problem is I’ve only recently maxed out my Sainsbury’s card on a very good money transfer offer already!

Now it’s the weekend so hopefully some time for a bit of rest and for some of those cracks to repair 

LittleMissDetermined

Hi @Keedie, I'm sorry I have been away so long but I have finally caught up on your diary. There's been so much going on for you but you've handled it all so well! The re-set and going back to tweak your budget is a great thing to do and don't worry if you have to go back and tweak it time again as life has a habit of getting in the way! 

Your son is doing great and is heading in the right direction, it's hard to get the balance of showing support whilst not nagging when dealing with a teen   

Hopefully the new 2yr energy fix will put your mind at rest a bit. If you're able to, could you work out your annual consumption from your Octo account and then work out projected costs? That's what I have done this morning and I feel much better about it. It took me aaaages to actually find the new cap unit rates instead of actual averages though, so if anyone wants them it's 10.3p per unit for gas, 34p per unit for elec, with standing charges of 46p per day for elec and 28p per day for gas. 

If you ever have moments of self doubt, you should re-read sections of your diary if you don't already... you are amazing and a true inspiration. 
Keep on smiling 
LMD x

Keedie

Hey everyone, I've had a little break from my diary as my thoughts were too jumbled to really process anything and as usual, way too much going on.

Thank you for your words of wisdom @cinnamon123, you're right, teenagers are like babies in big bodies and you're also right @AntoMac, as they do test the ones that they are closest to. Things with the male mini me are a bit up and down, but on the whole he's making progress. Still a bit lippy at times and pushing boundaries, but I've decided that I no longer argue or overly communicate when he's in that mode, and he ate humble pie and apologised for breaking his curfew and going somewhere without permission. I'm still not overly impressed, but the fact that he can spot his own selfish behaviour shows that his self reflection is showing signs of being finer tuned, so that's something.

He's been really struggling with his online learning and being able to focus on what is happening, and absorbing the information and it was starting to get us both really down and overwhelmed by it all. So he had an assessment on Friday morning for the 14-16 home education programme and fingers crossed he can go there 2 days a week to study maths and english language. I can then rearrange his online school timetable around that commitment, and he can have a mixture of attending live lessons and catching up with the recordings for some online lessons. As bad as it may sound, the thought of him not being home during the day for 2 days a week would be a godsend! We're on top of each other and we need a break from one another. 

I got a scary big information pack in the post from the council requesting that I state my plan for my son's education now that he is being homeschooled and they sent me some form to complete. It's all a bit stressful to be honest, as although I know that I have made provisions for his education and they are only doing their jobs, it feels a bit invasive, especially as I've already told them everything when I deregistered him...

The energy price guarantee has definitely reduced a lot of anxiety @LittleMissDetermined, and I feel better knowing that it's not going to be a crazy increase. It's still ridiculously high at £2,500, but knowing that there isn't going to be rise on rise in energy prices is a relief. Octopus Energy wrote to me today and said that they will reduce the monthly direct debit by £67 from October when the government assistance kicks in. I'll have to put the equivalent money aside then, so that I can then continue to have the full direct debit amount of £150 covered, plus the rebate. I have an energy pot, so I'll put the £67 of my own money in there, so that once I start to see what my bills are, I can top up the Octopus account. I currently have £351.21 in credit, but I have my heating on 24/7 in the winter so that my joints don't get too cold and seize up. So my bills are usually very high during the winter months. I need to save up for carpet in the hallway and living room, as I don't think having laminate is really helping with the heating situation and I find it really hard and painful to walk on due to the fibromyalgia.

I did make a great financial and physical discovery though. I qualify for a disabled person's freedom pass which will give me free travel on the tube and buses, so I'll be applying for that this week. I also qualify for a blue badge for parking, and that will make the biggest difference of all! Turns out that I don't need to pay for congestion either, not that I drive into central London as I find it too busy with confusing one way roads and too many pedestrians that just walk out of nowhere and cross in front of you. But that's nice to know all the same. And I'll get 50% reduction on my car tax. It's a lot of paperwork to sort out, so I'll have to do one at a time so that I don't get frazzled. But I'm very excited about the blue badge in particular and kicking myself, as I've been eligible since July 2021! But better late than never. I just need to get on top of my finances a bit so that I can change to an automatic car, as driving manual is painful.

I did another budget tweak to claw back my PIP now that I've built up some credit with Octopus, got the car fixed and got on top of some other bills and did a big food shop. I'm saving for a new black walking stick and black crutches (as black goes with any outfit and I'm definitely not cool enough to pull off anything patterned 😂). I've also found a lightweight rollator that can fold down and stay in the boot of the car for when I'm out and about. I've been using my PIP to help with my overall household budget and I'm struggling to keep on top of everything anyway, and not having the correct equipment is starting to really impact me. So I've set up another sub account with Chase and put half of this month's PIP in there, to pay for my disabled badge application, Radar toilet key, disabled gym membership and to order my new walking stick.

It's very exciting having a different approach to my budget and fitting the debt around life instead of the other way around. It's going to take longer to pay off, but I feel less stressed by it all, and that's the main thing. I'm hoping that reducing the stress, especially whilst helping my son with his GCSEs, will mean that this time next year when he goes to college I'm able to cope with working a bit more hours. I've been slowly wrapping up my freelancing, as I just don't have the energy for it, and although the money is helpful, the stress that goes with it, is not worth it. My body and mind needs time to recharge and recalibrate and I'm not able to do that at present, and it's making me feel really unwell.

The last 4/5 months have been some of the hardest of my life, but I'm proud to say that I'm still standing. I've been sharing on a daily basis, my favourite quotes with the Payment A Day Chapter 18 thread, as I'm counter upper this month, and people seem to really enjoy them. I found this new one this morning, and it pretty much sums up where I am at the moment...

AntoMac

That’s a right mixed bag of stuff you have going on there Keedie. I would say overall more good stuff than bad stuff, especially with the freedom pass and the blue badge. My Mum has a blue badge and it makes taking her out so much easier, just the convenience of being able to park a manageable distance away from places has been life changing.
One other slight encouragement I can give you is that my late teen is much easier now than she was when she was a mid teen, the age your boy is now. Not something that happened overnight but hopefully something you will see happen more and more as time passes. The 2 days away does sound like a Godsend if it comes to fruition.

Whatever happens you’re going to keep going and won’t be beaten. Loving your inspirational quotes. You’re spoiling the PADers with them! I hope they don’t expect similar from me when I’m counter upper in October….. Maybe some of my haphazard ramblings if they’re lucky …. or maybe unlucky 
Tomorrow is a Bank Holiday so take the well deserved rest. We’re away abroad for a few days from tomorrow. Flight has been booked for some time so guess it will go ahead as normal as heard nothing to the contrary.

Keedie

Yes it is quite a mixed bag of stuff, but definitely more positive. I'm a bit confused by all the forms as I'm having a fibromyalgia flare up and my brain fog isn't very good at the moment. My son told me that I should write a list and work on the 'parking one first' as 'that's a game changer'. I can imagine it's made a massive difference when taking your mum out @AntoMac. I'm excited to get mine, as being on double crutches at times trying to get to parking spaces is a lot of headache!

I'm longing for the late teen years. I keep telling myself it will get better when he's in college, but then again I envisage more push back about curfews at that stage 🙄. I know it'll get easier, it's just this in between stage that's really hard. I did have a frank discussion with him this evening, as he's had to help me on and off the bed and to sort things out at home as I'm having the flare up. I told him that one of the causes of flare ups is stress, and that's why I've been working less and less and trying to relax more, and that I'd appreciate it if he was more mindful about what he's doing and his behaviour so as not to cause more stress. And I told him the one of the other causes is too much physical activity, and that my body is burnt out, hence I am now housebound at the moment. He told me that I shouldn't be so nice to everyone and run around after them and I agreed, and I told him that he can help me by keeping on top of the living room as he tidied his room and dumped stuff in there and so he is going to sort that out tomorrow.

Don't worry about anyone expecting anything when you're doing the counter upper, no one usually does anything fancy. I always see September as a fresh start (hangover from my school days I guess), and so I thought it would be nice to share, as I've been going through all my quotes that I've collected, to put them all together in one place in a word document that I will turn into a PDF and save on my phone. And you have very wise words of wisdom, so don't worry @AntoMac 😉.