Debt and Caring

WelshmansDaughter

I have reached my own personal pinnacle of overwhelm this week. Dad's birthday is the 16th, he would have been 82. This time last year I was thinking about what cake to get. I ended up making him one. I would have taken him up to the mountains to pick winberries and we would have gotten coffee. 
The Carer's Allowance runs out next week and I am pretty much out of money. Hopefully my new bike gets delivered in time for me to do some work and it doesn't require much energy because I'm out of that too.
Small One is 2 and quite frankly has a busier schedule than I do. Poor thing is always knackered coming home from nursery. He sometimes just wants to watch tv bless him 🤣🤣🤣
All the more reason to go home to my own flat, I'm becoming too accustomed to here and fitting in around their schedule. 
Although my brother in law makes dinner which may mean I never leave. 
The art is pretty much only in my head these days. I'm doing courses at the moment in children's illustration and how to use a drawing programme. 

Cherryfudge

Sharing with family is often awkward, but they are probably benefitting from you being there, and dinner sounds good. Would it help to have a night a week at yours - gives you all a break but doesn't isolate you? Of course coming up to your Dad's birthday is really significant, and overwhelm is perhaps inevitable, so cake is a good idea. I could imagine he might want you to have some.

The art course sounds interesting, are you practising on Small One?

PennysIntoPounds

It is completely normal to sit up with wine and cry, and it is completely normal to feel you have no energy, and it is completely normal to not know what is for the best in your immediate and foreseeable plans. You're absolutely aceing the grieving process!
Is there something nice you'd like to do for yourself that you know your dad would appreciate that you can look forward to (in a bit of a sad way, that's normal too) for his birthday?

doingitanyway

Cake is a good idea. Bake one if it helps even a tiny bit. I recall last years one had orange segments and was really special. I think you are doing great too.

WelshmansDaughter

Today's plan is a fitting some bits and pieces in around a counselling appointment at 9.30. I ordered a pen for drawing on my laptop which has apparently been delivered to the garden?!? Will get a lift over with Sister and then go to McDonald's which is near counselling and check out the bed shop. 
This is not a moneysaving activity as I am going to look at the world's most expensive mattress. I've been looking at various sleeping options and brain won't let me buy anything. I tried one of these years ago and I want to see if it has the same effect. 
I also want to go and print something at the library. I spent ages trying to get my measurements to translate so I could make a little model. But when I put them into a scale calculator everything rapidly went to hell again. So I checked and there is a flat for sale on my street with a floor plan whoop whoop.
I was thinking I wanted to do something for dad's birthday but I don't quite know what. 
Lol as I wrote that the song I went skydiving started playing in my head. 
Teacup will be over so it will be a family occasion on the actual day but I want to do something that has my own meaning as well which will have to be on another day. 
The Small One is definitely inspiring art wise. He has big eyes and a mop of blond hair and has taken to copying some very funny mannerisms. 
I was thinking about last year's cake, the orange one as I have a video of him with it. 
I think I should really go back to what I was doing with the grieving process. I took some time every day to think about dad. But it's not all about dad, I'm grieving for myself too. 

Cherryfudge

Grief is such a hard and variable process, I think we each have to work our way through one step at a time, and the steps will vary so you can't plan ahead, just do or think what the day demands. The thing is, eventually that moves you onwards, so don't give up hope.

I can confirm a good mattress is lovely - my standard is the ones in a certain chain of hotels and we really did spend out on our current one, which is similar, but, in combination with investing in a nice mattress topper and quality sheet over it, is always a blessing. I learned that from playing The Sims, but it works in real life too.  

I hope your counselling goes well and you get someone who's right for you.

WelshmansDaughter

Thanks Cherry. 
Counselling went well, I forget how much time I spend editing my speech until I go there and it flows so much more freely.
I have Been Out to a garden today. It was a family day out so much of the time was spent keeping Small One from investigating the flower bed with his mouth 🤣🤣🤣 They did have a natural playground which he wasn't too sure of at first. But he had another go when scaredy cat parents had been deposited in the coffee shop. It was so nice to see.
This was a private estate with a walled garden which I much prefer to the NTS places. It has a much nicer feel to it. 
Seeing the Small One give the natural playground a go made me think I might re train in something to do with child development. I did go off on a tangent and think enroll in uni straight away! But I think I might investigate further and include a year off in my plan. Food for thought 

Cherryfudge

That sounds like a really interesting idea. Could you get experience through a nursery in the meantime, perhaps? Just to meet lots more kids and get to know some of the norms of establishment child care... I'm loving the occasional Sunday morning helping with the pre-schoolers at church, it's definitely morel ike fun than work, though 've always thought childcare wasn't my forte.

DGD goes to a Forest School so she gets outdoor play and all the stimulation that brings. It sounds as though your nephew had a similar experience.

Glad the counselling went well.

savingholmes

Good luck with your plans whatever you decide.

Do you need to go and sign on or have you already done so?

WelshmansDaughter

A largely useless day in which nothing was achieved and I ate both too little and too much.

I have been spending my weekends at the airport with Small One who tells me he must go and see helicopters go round and round. And airplanes go super fast schzoom. Sadly though, although I remember to bring food and water for him, I repeatedly fail to bring any for myself. And the cafe is only open in the morning. 
I got home yesterday having carried a sturdy toddler the majority of the way and I WAS TOO TIRED TO EAT. 
As in physically couldn't make myself chew. 
I did get food in eventually last night but between that and not getting up when my alarm went off, I paid for it today with a head full of irritation and spite that wouldn't settle anywhere. I ran out of the cafe in the park after a loud man sat down next to me (after hearing him say at least it was peaceful today RAGE). Then I ran out of a charity shop after I was peacefully browsing when all of a sudden they put the radio on and started singing behind me. Why do these things happen to me?  
Couldn't settle at the library or the coffee shop so ended up getting the bus to the flat and just lying on the sofa. 
Sister was home sick today so I felt like I had to get out of the house but I think I would have just preferred to stay in bed. 

I have an irrational fear of signing on, not to mention there is a five week wait. I'm waiting for my new bike/moped to be delivered and then hopefully will be earning money again. The job I got an interview for appears to be on hold so I am psyching myself up to apply for more. 

The child development option will require a lot of thought- I am so tired after just one day with the Small One. Is it something that recovery time would help? I don't know. 

Teacup arrives on Wednesday, I need to have some sort of sleeping option in place by then otherwise I am on the couch. Gah, I just want to be on holiday.