Debt and Caring

PennysIntoPounds

Delurking having read your diary to say you've been amazing and are doing brilliantly. My Dad died a couple of years ago and while the sharp edges of pain soften, it still has the power to unexpectedly stab the heart. I sent him a text on my last birthday. Daft I know, but I wanted him to be included. You're doing so well x

WelshmansDaughter

I have actually been writing to dad in a notebook but I found they were just brain dumps so perhaps a rethink is needed.
Not daft at all Pennies, I would do the same if Dad had had a phone. I wear his jumper and a friend is crocheting a dragon so he can come everywhere with me. 

Strange old day today. I planned to go out, decided against it, went for a walk in the hot sun, decided to go (by car) and ended up meandering around a local town in the pouring rain. There was a lot of agonizing over what to do which is getting on my nerves. Changing my mind is so bloody difficult.
On the bright side, I went to the charity shop I wanted to go to. I got a jacket and 2 pieces of fabric. One of which is to be used as a blind and was only £4. It was somewhere I used to go way back when and it all seemed smaller somehow than I was expecting. 

I am pooped. I came home to a delighted greeting from the Small One and we played in the cupboard (his name for the garage). It's a game that mostly involves pretending to go to sleep so I don't know why I'm so tired.
I have the car until tomorrow afternoon so the plan is to get some stuff cleared from somewhere.
Off to look up how to make a blind.

Cherryfudge

Making a blind sounds like a good project. I'm quite good at breaking them...

Making decisions and playing with children are both tiring - but you got there and it seems you have quite a fan in Small One.  

CRANKY40

Maybe make a "to do" list? I make one most days - I never do everything that's on it as it's a "would like to do" list as well as a "must do" so it involves some nice things as well as the essentials like emptying bins. When I sit down and my mind is a blank or I've forgotten what needs doing next it's really handy to be able to look at the list and see what I fancy doing next. 

Coping strategies.....it's early days yet for the loss of your dad. Talk to the little person about him. You are half of your dad and the little person is a quarter so that's quite a lot of dad. My husband died when my son was 4 but over the years I've noticed things that my son does that his dad used to do even though he hardly remembers my late husband. Genetics are stronger than you think. Maybe write about your dad instead of to him because when the small one is older he will still get to know about his grandad. I know very little about my grandfather as he died when I was one. I've been talking to my dad's 80 year old cousin about my grandparents as she remembers them vividly and it's fascinating. They're becoming real people instead of just old photos. 

WelshmansDaughter

The Small One views me very much as a means to an end Cherry. If his parents were inclined to sit at a heliport with him, I would be a distant memory. His affections are currently directed at a potato waffle. 

I was thinking along those lines Cranky. The last time I started though I did everything that wasn't on the list. I struggle to articulate what I actually want and so I sneak around it by hiding it in my head. I can do tasks day to day but my working memory is poor. What I need is the structure. I used to bullet journal but I couldn't stick to it. 
I do mention Dad to the Small One. Unfortunately he tends to respond with Taid go night night which makes me quite sad. 
I walked a memory path today in the park which was a lovely idea albeit somewhat municipal in execution. It did start out well, opposite the rose garden, meandering through some planting then rather unfortunately ended at the park compost heaps 🤦‍♀️
Today's review:
Checked fabric against window size
Looked at jute rug in dunelm
Took cardboard to tip
Collected parcel
Collected library book
Walk in park
Tried to donate books
Looked for bed etc in big charity shop

When I write it down it actually doesn't look like much but I started at 8am and didn't drop the car back until 14.30! 

savingholmes

Little by little the job gets done.

WelshmansDaughter

Little by little my feet took me to asda last night for wine o'clock.
I sat outside in the garden last night to remember dad with a glass of red wine. Which became half a bottle. I may have frightened my sister's neighbour with my drunk crying. Mid tears I also started wondering where to best put french doors in the garden 🤷
Got some of the misery out, might be best to take it easy today. I didn't know that my brother in law was going to be on holiday this week so I'm awkwardly trying to keep out of the way. 
But I think a desk day is in order just to try and get some sort of sense of what has to happen and what I can let go of.

doingitanyway

Glad you got some of the misery out.
Take care today

Cherryfudge

Oh, I'm sorry it was like that. Perhaps for the best, but miserable to go through.

A desk day sounds like a plan. I ought to have one too, but if I can get one item ticked (off a list I've not yet written), I will give myself a pat on the back.

There were a couple of things I thought when I read your post of yesterday, but didn't reply as it was late and I needed to wind down... re small one seeing you as a means to an end, my observations of DGD are that it's about the development of awareness rather than anything personal. I bet he still smiles when he's with you.

I've got a bullet journal and I use it occasionally. I know that's not the idea, but it works for me. It holds things that I feel I should do, rather than them being in my head, and I add (and tick off) the other things that weren't on the list, but nevertheless happened, which at least gives me a reference point of when I did them. Demand avoidance is a powerful thing but at least other things get done. We muddle through.

Hope you get some feeling of moving forward today, however you do it.

savingholmes

Better out than in they say - although the situation sounds awkward.

Hope you manage to have a more positive day today. Failing that - how's the art coming along?