Daughter and partner freeloading

sevenhills

sheramber said:

Sevenhills, do you just want to have a rant as you are not prepared  to take any action to change things?

I would not call this a rant, I don't want a solution that leads to my daughter dropping out of uni.
One poster said make their lives difficult, I have stopped the broadband. They have been out of the house on a few occasions now, which is good for them both, although my only concern is my daughter.
They always eat in their bedroom. I have had lodgers in the past, I seemed to get more communication from them.

sheramber

Communication goes two ways. 

Who cooks their meals?

You say you used to go out  fro meals but don't now. Have you asked them to out for meal?

Do you know that your daughter is still studying at UNI since you do not seem to know anything about her course.?

They are not going to change their ways unless you sit down and thrash out what changes you want/need for them to continue living with you.

They were able to buy a car so they can afford to pay their way. You are not doing her any favours as she is not learning thow to budget and  support herself.

Lavendyr

sevenhills said:

sheramber said:

Sevenhills, do you just want to have a rant as you are not prepared  to take any action to change things?

I would not call this a rant, I don't want a solution that leads to my daughter dropping out of uni.
One poster said make their lives difficult, I have stopped the broadband. They have been out of the house on a few occasions now, which is good for them both, although my only concern is my daughter.
They always eat in their bedroom. I have had lodgers in the past, I seemed to get more communication from them.

Yes but you also said that stopping the broadband is a problem for you. 

Why haven't you sat down with them and had a proper chat? 

Don't make their lives difficult - make all your lives as easy as possible with some compromises potentially needed. 

I really don't know what you want from this thread. You've said what you don't want. What *do* you want?

Spendless

sevenhills said:

sheramber said:

Sevenhills, do you just want to have a rant as you are not prepared  to take any action to change things?

I would not call this a rant, I don't want a solution that leads to my daughter dropping out of uni.
One poster said make their lives difficult, I have stopped the broadband. They have been out of the house on a few occasions now, which is good for them both, although my only concern is my daughter.
They always eat in their bedroom. I have had lodgers in the past, I seemed to get more communication from them.

And how is making life more difficult for them at yours going to guarantee that daughter remains at Uni, rather than you asking to have a conversation about when her degree actually ends and what her next plans are and saying that you will need them to start paying board again because the recent rise in living costs make it unaffordable for you otherwise. 

Pollycat

I'm beginning to feel sorry for the daughter who seems to have no emotional support from either parent.

pollypenny

I can't believe a parent doesn't know what degree course his daughter is doing. Upthread the OP said 'I taught her ...'. 

Surely a teacher would have particular interest. 

maman

pollypenny said:

I can't believe a parent doesn't know what degree course his daughter is doing. Upthread the OP said 'I taught her ...'. 

Surely a teacher would have particular interest. 

I misread that at first too. I think that was part of 'I taught her to be honest'.

pickledonionspaceraider

OP you have GOT to have a proper conversation with your Daughter.

ASAP. Like, now.  Call them downstairs now and talk to them.  Actually verbalise your issues.  

It seems there are a lot of passive aggressive mind games going on here.

Why stop the internet, if it is going to affect you too?  (You could have just changed the wifi p/word) - You realise that this stops her from doing any online lectures - so you say you don't want her dropping out of Uni, but this could lead to it IMO.  

There are a lot of strange goings on, it reads almost as if you are living with Strangers.

The boyfriend doesn't HAVE to live in your home - it is YOUR HOME - so take back control. The boyfriend moving in must have been agreed to in the first instance.

The boyfriend gets benefits.  Your daughter likely gets Uni loans = They are both taking the mickey.  They can afford board. 

Have an adult conversation, and do it today

It comes across as if you are trying to covertly 'manage them out' of the house...like a manager may do to an unwanted employee.   Instead of saying the words YOU NEED TO PAY SOME BOARD NOW - you are making it unliveable so either they will end up moving out to some shed they can barely afford and your daughter has to get a job and drop out of uni....and if that happens, you cannot stand back and scratch your head wondering how this happened.

You are equally responsible for this situation as they are - and not the victim of it = that's the way I read it

You say you aren't on the breadline...but you will be soon -   17k is a pretty low wage these days to be supporting three adults, with the cost of living rises etc

I hope this doesn't come across as stern, but I think you really all need to have a conversation, rather than these silent resentments.  Please do it now, because I can see a big bag of regret in the post for you, if you don't

Lavendyr

Absolutely agree with everything @pickledonionspaceraider has said (though if they are using a student loan, then suggest you keep payments out of it in savings for them if you can afford it. If not, then that's reasonable too given the situation). And honestly if you don't take this advice - I'm not sure what else we can do. This is GOOD ADVICE. Please, please take it. 

pickledonionspaceraider

@sevenhills Did you speak to them?