Separation advice please

antronella

...oh and by the way, I was told I am responsible for insurance and any maintenance on the house as it is in both names.

needtoearnmoremoney

thanks Antronella and Belfast Girl for your posts.

Antronella - hang in there - your previous posts made me feel a little stronger. I too vacillate between feeling I'm coping with the situation, thinking that it has to be all my fault that OH doesn't want to live here, and spending the whole evening crying. It's now 6 months since he moved out. I'm at the latter stage at the moment though I think that probably its because I've got flu. Have now been running a temperature of 102 for several days, ache all over, don't want to eat, have sore throat and feel very wobbly. I started with it last Thursday.

A friend told OH that I was ill again and he was round like a shot. Has been at least once a day since friday plus ringing and texting to see if I need anything e.g. lucozade and am OK. ( Does this mean he still cares?????? Am too ill to start getting my hopes up though). Another friend (the one who lives near OH) rang me last night to see if I was OK. apparently OH had told her that I am ill and how concerned he was.

I was interested to see your post about maintenance and insurance Antronella. I haven't made it to solicitor yet - intended to go then went down with this. But .. does that mean that OH is actually still liable for mortgage, insurance and maintenance of the house? As I'm spending about £1000 per month on these 3 items ( am just coping financially but nothing to spare) does this mean that he should be paying half this?

Belfast girl I do hope yours is just a cold - I wouldn't wish what I've got on anyone else.

needtoearnmoremoney

Forgot to say that I have put the house of the market to see what kind of offers we get . Trouble is there was a £100,000 difference between the highest and lowest valuations. Have put it on towards the top end as, if we got that , even after clearing the mortgage we'd each end up with about £150,000 so would only need about a £50,000 mortgage to get something to live in.

If we get the bottom end we'd each only get about £110,000 so would need about £90,000 mortgage. As the repayments on this would not be much less than am currently paying I told OH when he came round yesterday that if the only offers were at the bottom end I would not be prepared to sell. After all why leave a house I love if I don't have to. He seemed ok with this - doesn't seem to be keen to split everything. I had to force him to take stuff - when he first left he just took books and clothes. I sorted all sorts of other stuff out piled in the hall and told him to take it - my excuse was sorting out to sell.

Did ask him yesterday if he'd sorted his head out yet. Response was that he still doesn't know what he wants. Hence why he seems to want contact several times a week, going out as a couple and even the odd night spent together.

antronella

NTEM, From the information I've been given, I would say that yes..your husband is responsible financially for the house too, if his name is on the mortgage...if he doesn't pay, then this should be taken into account when /if you divide assets.It is important you take advice on this though.

It seems to me that he is doing exactly what he wants, with no consequences. If he misses you, he comes round, if he's doing his own thing, he stays away. Yes, he obviously does care for you..hence the coming round when you're unwell..but if I were you I think you need to be stronger (although it will be hard) and tell him his to..ing and fro..ing is unsettling you and making you confused.The only way he will know if he misses you and the life he has with you, is if he experiences a life without you in it. If you don't you will be living in this limbo indefinitely.

Good luck x

needtoearnmoremoney

Thanks antronella.

i know you are right about being stronger - the trouble is that I'm scared and part of me feels that half a loaf is better than none

belfastgirl23

NTEM hope you're feeling better...I'm feeling v sorry for myself, seem to be ok as long as I stay in bed but once I get up and move around I feel miserable. No work today and have a feeling no work tomorrow too. I know Antronella's advice is spot on for you but I think I found it hard to follow too. But it was only when I decided that things couldn't go on as they were that DH finally made his mind up. But I had to come to that point of no return myself somehow, I had to know I really meant it before I said it.

Antronella stay strong! Sorry to be so bossy but you know you're doing the right thing.

needtoearnmoremoney

Sounds like you've got the dreaded lurgy too! I went to the GP today and have been signed off for a week and am not allowed back to work until I've seen her again.. OH took me - I wasn't up to walking in the rain or driving there.

The thing is I've never really been well since August, have just had times of being not ill. I went down with a lung infection and since then keep catching every bug that is doing the rounds. (It's a weak area for me since having a pulmonary embolism 6 or 7 years ago)

When we got back I pointed out to him that whilst I do have a physical problem the emotional limbo in which i find myself is not helping and is in fact probably exacerbating the situation.

Will that point have got home I wonder.

I know Antronella's advice is right, the only problem is that I'm still not strong enough to push him away totally.

Lilman

Hi Antronella - have stuffed a sausage casserole in the oven and needed to get back on here to see how you were. You have been in my thoughts a few times today.

I was with my husband from the age of 15 1981 until September 24 2006. The last eighteen months have flown by mainly because I have my life back. Occasionally, and just occasionally I look at my two beautiful teenage sons and know how difficult they are finding it and wonder if I did the right thing and whether I should have waited until they left home - the other day the eldest 17 came home half way through his week with his dad and when I got upset because I was having a low day and told him I sometimes feel like this do you know what he said - Mum we wouldnt have anywhere to escape to if you still lived with dad. This made me feel worse for putting them through it for so long!!!

There will be good days and bad days Antronella - focus on why you left and expect to feel bereaved. That is what it is a bereavement even if it is self inflicted to a certain degree. I told someone yesterday a quote my brother, who is a priest told me - and please forgive me I am not a god squad type but I do like it - "if God brought you to it, He will get you through it" - This too will pass.

Expect to feel bereaved but remain focused on why.

Hope some of this bumbled message helps. Will pop on again tomorrow for a chat.

Have a focused positive day.

antronella

Just incase anyone remembers me..or this thread (or others!) I thought i would post a quick update. I've now been divorced over a year. I have my very own mortgage (!!) on a lovely little house, I have a boyfriend (we don't live together!) and...... wait for it!................I am very HAPPY!!!!

DarkConvict

Your post was before my time here, but i am glad you have been able to move on and importantly be happy!