Separation advice please

belfastgirl23

Oh dear needtoearnmoremoney, I've been where you are and I really really feel for you....I can remember what that feeling of not knowing what was going to happen was like...in fact I can feel my stomach getting a bit acidy just thinking about it...so you really have my sympathies.

TBH in your shoes I would also be hoping he would come back (well I was in fact when I was in your shoes ). We didn't have any assets at the time but I think now it's worth taking a little legal advice just to protect yourself. Perhaps you need to get something in writing to the effect that you are making the payments alone? A solicitor would be able to advise and probably fairly quickly at that so it needn't cost too much. And maybe raising the subject with your husband (AFTER the advice) would sharpen his focus on the bigger question.

If at all possible though I'd also advise getting some counselling as a couple. Eg Relate or whoever. It can't be nice having this situation hanging over you but I know too in your shoes I didn't push an ultimatum since I felt at the time if he had to choose it would be to go completely.

In my case it did all work out - we've been together now for 20 years with that little blip in the middle. But there was a pretty rough patch just after we got back together when I couldn't somehow forgive him for it and in the end I had to really just 'decide' to let it go....

BTW I wouldn't start worrying about when/if to sell the house just yet, esp while things are up in the air with the relationship. Focus on making sure you protect your investment first....

And lots of luck...do look after yourself and try to get out and do stuff rather than sitting at home waiting for him...and yes I know how hard it is but it's important to keep busy!!

needtoearnmoremoney

Thanks for that Belfastgirl.

OH will not go to counselling - says he needs time to sort himself out.

I am trying not to push it because we have been together for 26 years - we lived together for almost a year before getting married and our silver wedding is in 3 weeks time!!

As I have separate bank account - we stopped the joint account when he moved out it can clearly be seen that the only money going into the account is my salary and that I'm paying everything.

Am trying to avoid seeing a solicitor at the moment as I think that if i force it it wont be the result i would hope for.

I partly put the house on the market to try and make him understand that if we sell we would both end up with large mortgages that would be paid into retirement and beyond, which is something I don't intend doing if i can avoid it.

antronella

Needtoearnmoremoney, I feel for you...really..even though things are the other way round. I would still say you need proper advice from a solicitor..many offer a free first half hour (You can ring round to check this out) and your husband would not need to know you had been, so you wouldn't be pushing him into a decision.

I have been with my husband for a year more than you and despite me moving out, it hurts like hell.

Good luck x

needtoearnmoremoney

Antronella - thanks

I suppose the reason that I'm not pushing is that OH admits he enjoys my company, that we have lots of interests in common and that the sex can be good. He isn't sure if he loves me but says he cares very much. Yet love changes in a long relationship and the way you feel in the early days develops into something deeper.

When I had that flu bug really badly a few weeks before Christmas he came round several times a day initially and then came and stayed for a week ( and didn't insist on staying in a spare room!).

I 've just managed to now get another dose of it (well a chesty cough at least) and really don't feel well. I think it was this making me feel low that made me decide to post rather than lurk. However when I'm feeling better I will talk to a solicitor just to find out my position.

Rowan9

hhhmmm I had posted a reply then pressed some key and it disappeared!
Well done for getting advice needtoearnmoremoney. It's a good sensible step to take and it doesn't mean that you are pushing anything. Hope it works out for you. You have done well to post about it as that is hard sometimes and yet you will get lots of support on here.
Antronella - hope things are working ok for you and you are managing to get rest and some freedom from worry about everything
((((hugs)))) to you both
W

morch

Have you thought about collaborative law as a way to conclude the divorce? Its probably the most amicable and cheaper divorce option available and definitely something you should look into. There are a few specialist law firms out there that do this sort of work.

www.collaborative-divorce.co.uk/
www.collaborativefamilylawyers.co.uk

Best of luck

needtoearnmoremoney

divorce has not been mentioned in my case. OH doesn't know what he wants - he needs time to sort his head out he says.

I think its a case of getting older and wanting to know if you want security/stability or is there something else out there as life passes by. i think he wants the 'tingle fac tor' that you have in teh early days of a relationship rather than the more mature relationship you have after a long time.

Am in bed with flu so haven't spoken to a solictor yet but i will do once I'm feeling better

Lilman

antronella LISTEN please. tomorrow morning you phone up some friends, you get them to recommend a lawyer, you get the first half an hour free, you may be entitled to legal aid and you get this sorted.

I also left a destructive marriage in the last eighteen months and my estranged husband is blaming me for everything because I made the decision to leave. The fact he drove me to it doesnt come into it.

You dont have to see a local solicitor either so if you want mine please please please let me know. She is really good feisty and will make you realise that this is unfair. She did me and I am truly the softest person on the earth. I used to work in solicitors offices many years ago. Come back on tomorrow and let me know and somehow I will get her number to you.

You are not to blame and you are entitled to a fair share of the marriage assets. Please please take this advice I beg you.:eek:

belfastgirl23

Yeah antronella how are you getting along? Was just thinking about you lately.

And needtoearnmoremoney I am sitting here nose streaming as I type (lucky DH gets to use the keyboard tomorrow altho it will teach him cos he gave it to me). I'm hoping it doesn't develop into a flu, hope you look after yourself and take it easy.

antronella

Thanks Lilman & Belfastgirl for posting. Lilman I saw a solicitor on the 8th...posted what she said..think its on the previous page. I had already used my free half hour before i left and got the bill today...£88 for 25 mins :eek: I earn 'just' too much to be eligible for legal aid too. i have decided to wait for 2 years before i 'do' anything.I am into my 7th month separated now.

To be honest I'm still struggling emotionally. I alternate between coping and falling apart. A lot of the time I don't know if I've made the right decision. Think a lot of that is because we were together for so long...and it wasn't all bad. When I'm down, it seems my rosy spectacles go on and that makes me worse.

I've just sent away for a book (2nd hand!) from amazon called 'Missing being Mrs' ..not sure if it'll help but I'll try anything.

Thanks for the thought of recommending your solicitor Lilman, I really appreciate it x

Belfastgirl, hope you feel better soon (...sniff sniff.....) x