Separation advice please

serena

Hi Antronella,

I'm sorry I didn't have time to read the thread again later yesterday.

That is just a classic emotional blackmail, really. Only he is responsible for how he feels and reacts to things, not you, not anyone else.

It also means that you and only you are responsible for how you feel - and I would suggest that this is your main priority at the moment.

Take it easy, be kind to yourself, you are probably very vulnerable at the moment.

Thinking of you!

belfastgirl23

No problem. If it helps, just keep in mind that you need to be the adult here. Sometimes that means holding the line even when it's really difficult because you know it's for everyone's long term good. Think toddler tantrums (I know this is probably unfair on your ex but in some ways it is a good comparison) - you don't give in because a child needs to learn that they don't get anything by behaving in that way. And you can't respond to those emotional cues, however much it costs you to keep a neutral face on it.

And good luck. It'll be tough over the hols but hold the line and it will get better in time. Try to think about where you want to be this time next year and how you want your relationship with him to be...and act accordingly.

Keep your chin up

belfastgirl23

Just wondering how things are going?? Bump...

antronella

Thanks for asking how I'm doing!

I have made an appointment tues afternoon to see a solicitor. I had a free appointment with her before I actually moved out and found her easy to talk to. Anyway i got a bit freaked out this morning after reading another thread about someone divorcing and the fact that any inheritance is automatically divided between partners. This sounds really awful (what I'm about to say) but my mum is in her 80's and not in good health, in fact she is in heart failure and I know there is no cure for this. I dread losing her (my dad died a few years ago). She hasn't lots of money, but her home will be divided between her children and I will receive a share of this. I now realise that he will be entitled to half of this..and I know mum wouldn't want this any more than I would. Money seems to be a huge issue with him and I just need advice as to where I stand. This prompted me to make the decision. Hope you all have a happy new year..I for one am glad last year is gone x

belfastgirl23

Good for you, really glad to hear you're taking advice from someone qualified. This is a good motivator to get things moving as well, hopefully you're in plenty of time to sort things out but I know what you mean, better safe than sorry. Let us know how you get on and good luck in the meantime.

esthomizzy

antronella wrote: »

I dread losing her (my dad died a few years ago). She hasn't lots of money, but her home will be divided between her children and I will receive a share of this. I now realise that he will be entitled to half of this..and I know mum wouldn't want this any more than I would.

Do you have a trusted sibling? Could you talk to your mum about it and explain that you would never want her money to be funnelled in his direction considering how things have gone and would she favour the sibling and cutting you out by giving them a double share half of which could then be be passed to you by them. It would be terrible having this conversation with your mother especially on account of her health so it may not be possible but it's just a thought.

antronella

Thank you. I have talked to mum, just got back..visit every day. We have chatted and I broached the subject, which was difficult and I got upset talking about when she's not here. Told her I am seeing the solicitor and she was very clear that she does not want anything to go to him. She suggested asking her solicitor to amend her will to state this..but not sure if this would be legally binding. Anyway, in a strange way it has been strangely comforting to talk to her about this. She became a real mother figure...which sounds odd, but she needs so much practical help nowadays that it was nice that she was able to give me emotional support and I think she benefitted from this too.

I will ask solicitor tues about the suggestion re sibling and will post back to let you know how it went. Thanks again

RAS

Antronella

Been really touched by your thread. You have had a rotten time and well done for taking action to improve things.

As everyone says, your ex's problems are of his own making. He is responsible for his feeling as you are for your own. You really are entitled to a decent settlement but it sounds like he is going to use every opportunity to be awkward. As a starter, getting formal separation documents may help you both move towards closer.

Have you severed all financial links (joint bank accounts etc)?

With respect to things for your new home, i can recommend joining your local branch of www.freecycle.com , like e-bay but things are given away in exchange for people collecting them. You will find all sorts of stuff from furniture to bedding, kitchen gear and bits of stuff for DIY.

I am glad you have a good relationship with your mum, but do you have other friend with whom you can go for a walk, invite round for a cup of tea or a bowl of soup?

And, my guess is that mum has long known how bad things were but held her tongue and may be heartly relieved that you are getting it sorted now?

How much contact do you have with the kids? Are there any informal or formal arrangment for visiting?

antronella

RAS, thank you so much. The kids know they are welcome here anytime..they are 18 & 20 and I keep in close contact with them although its obviously not the same as it was. I was given a spare bed, so they can stay if they want.

Mum has been housebound for the past year, and although she does like my husband..she has always said she couldn't stand to live with the shouting and bad temper, which she was witness to many times when she visited..

I have tried registering with freecycle, but for some reason am having trouble with this..will try again though.

Mum said today, she wasn't going anywhere for a long time!..as she wants to make sure I'm ok..hope she's right about that.

I have a very good friend, who though she has troubles of her own, has been such a support to me these past few months...don't know what i would have done without her. Other friends just seem to have deserted me, which is sad..and another friend's husband made a pass at me ..suppose he thought I'd be grateful for the offer...:mad:

Hope I can think of enough questions to get my moneys worth on tues..will try make a list I think before i go..any suggestions as to info I should gain would be appreciated, thanks x

PS..all finances are now separate...and have been since I left.

RAS

Antronella

As a starter - just realised it is www.freecycle.org.

Will post agin in a few minutes.