Separation advice please

antronella

cat4772 wrote: »

Antronella

I'm sorry about this but !!!!!! Antronella. haven't you left him BECAUSE you are fed up of keeping quiet to keep the peace with him? He sounds like a right bully if that's how he negotiates (argue till she gives in).

Why not see the CAB as soon as possible (they'll be able to give you impartial advice and advice about what questions to ask a solicitor and whether you're entitled to legal aid etc)? See a number of solicitors and explain your situation. You might be better off posting in the relationships board as well to see if anyone has more advice to offer you.

Cat.x

Thank you for all your replies, I will look up those sites recommended. Yes you are spot on that that is why I left Cat, can't explain why I'm still behaving the same way..suppose I am just worn down and also feel guilty for making this decision. Just want to try and avoid any more unpleasantness.

belfastgirl23

antronella wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies, I will look up those sites recommended. Yes you are spot on that that is why I left Cat, can't explain why I'm still behaving the same way..suppose I am just worn down and also feel guilty for making this decision. Just want to try and avoid any more unpleasantness.

I think the others are right, you need an advocate or solicitor just to keep yourself right. Especially if you don't have a lot of fight left in you then you need someone else to do it on your behalf. I do think this is an area where you really benefit ten times over from the advice of professionals, even if things are tight they will help you sort out what is best for you, hubby and most importantly the kids and will be worth every penny. Might be worth checking on the local boards to see if anyone can recommend a good person for you to go to? Women's Aid would also be likely to know solicitors who might be the kind of people you'd want (tho I know you don't directly need their services).

The other thing is that you do have your reasons for leaving and I'm guessing from the tone of your posts that they are good ones. So hold your head up!

Good luck.

antronella

Thank you Belfastgirl...that last bit of your post especially x

carlsberggal

Good morning Antronella, hope you feel ok today. I agree with Belfast girl about getting professional advice. Most courts have people who act as arbitrators for couple who can't agree on how monies are divided up. You basically take all paperwork in about finances, including insurance policies and pensions etc and you sit round the table and try to sort it out in an amicable way. This is a lot more cost effective than solicitors, one you've worked it out you then take it to your solicitor so it can be included in the divorce. He also has to pay you out if it came to a divorce whether he likes it or not, the court would want the house valued. I know the feeling of being guilty- we are human after all. Try to stick up for yourself though, its easier said than done when youv'e always be the more submissive person in the marriage, but you have to look after number one here- YOU ARE WORTH IT AFTER ALL! X

antronella

carlsberggal wrote: »

Good morning Antronella, hope you feel ok today. I agree with Belfast girl about getting professional advice. Most courts have people who act as arbitrators for couple who can't agree on how monies are divided up. You basically take all paperwork in about finances, including insurance policies and pensions etc and you sit round the table and try to sort it out in an amicable way. This is a lot more cost effective than solicitors, one you've worked it out you then take it to your solicitor so it can be included in the divorce. He also has to pay you out if it came to a divorce whether he likes it or not, the court would want the house valued. I know the feeling of being guilty- we are human after all. Try to stick up for yourself though, its easier said than done when youv'e always be the more submissive person in the marriage, but you have to look after number one here- YOU ARE WORTH IT AFTER ALL! X

Ah, thank you .How do I contact an arbitrator? Do they take into account house contents? or just the house value? I have only one item of furniture that I really want beacause it was my grandmothers and it holds great sentimental value...but Husband has says that because it has always been in the house it is of sentimental value to him too. Don't know if he's just being petty.It is large too, so I couldnt take it with me when I left. (I only took 1 item of furniture with me) PS .......just read up about mediation in the website mentioned above...is this the same thing??

belfastgirl23

I think it's a bit different in Northern Ireland but how about these guys
http://www.thefma.co.uk/ or this http://www.nfm.org.uk/
Both are not for profit so it's probably a case of which one could see you soonest or is more local to you. BTW in case you're in scotland this site would be better http://www.familymediationscotland.org.uk/

Setting up an appointment might also be a way to signal to your husband that this is serious...

Good luck.

**edit sorry should have said as far as I know these guys deal with everything. so money, access to kids, furniture, the whole kit and caboodle, any issue that you or your hubby need to raise. So if you want to raise particular pieces of furniture then def do so. BTW it really really doesn't sound unreasonable that you would want one thing***

Wildchild_2

Hi there

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck and stand your ground. You spent years working for that house too. Half of it belongs to you and you deserve it.

Keep us updated as to how you get on.

carlsberggal

Morning Antronella, am sorry I haven't replied to you have been busy and haven't even looked at my e-mails never mind logging on here! You'd find the arbitrator through a solicitor. When I first went for my free half hour appointment with a solicitor to get some advice when we were splitting up it was him that mentioned it to me. So make that appointment to see one and ask if there is one attached to your local court. As for the item of furniture you should tell him to get lost! You can con firm you inherited it from your grandmother, so he hasn't a leg to stand on. Keep smiling my love, can only get better x

antronella

Think things are going to be worse than I thought I saw him 2day..not planned..he says he will not give me a divorce, will not sell the house and will not remortgage it either. He said that a financial settlement is only decided if you're divorcing... and as he won't agree to that, there is nothing i can do. He got upset as well, which didn't help how I'm feeling now. He also showed me a bill for roof repairs that was thousands ..says I have to pay half. The only way I could do that is with a loan...and I am not doing that.

Reya

Hi, antronella

Firstly, let me just tackle one thing you posted about, which made me wince and give an, "Oh God, I know what you mean" look at the computer:

antronella wrote: »

Yes you are spot on that that is why I left Cat, can't explain why I'm still behaving the same way..suppose I am just worn down and also feel guilty for making this decision. Just want to try and avoid any more unpleasantness.

I behaved in exactly the same way after confronting my ex-husband, and it's taken me almost two years for those feelings to go away. You were with him for a long time, and it's impossible to just cut off all the feelings you had for him. Even though it was horrible toward the end, as my marriage was, there were plenty of good times, and you were in love with him at some point. Please don't beat yourself up because you have occasional moments when you give in, or feel sorry for him. Even though my ex treated me badly (especially on the financial side after we separated) I still refused to give his creditors his mobile phone number, because "that wasn't fair on him" - this despite said creditors calling me six times a day to chase him up! I felt that his mobile number was his last personal refuge, and just couldn't do that to him. So you're not alone in struggling with this. It was only after I'd been separated from him for several months that I could see what everyone else had been seeing for ages: he had worn me down over many years until I was virtually a doormat who would do anything to keep the peace between us.

Secondly, I don't have time to check right now (I only have a few minutes before I have to leave for work) but you said in an earlier post on this thread that you were hoping to ride this out for two years, then try again for a divorce. That's about right. I can't check for info now, but after a certain number of years' separation (I think it's two, but don't quote me) one partner can apply for divorce without the other's agreement, and after a further number of years (six, I think, but again don't quote me) the divorce will be granted, uncontested. You'll need to check those out, though.


Finally:

He said that a financial settlement is only decided if you're divorcing... and as he won't agree to that, there is nothing i can do.

Does he think that every divorce is amicable, or uncontested? If so, he's living in a dream world. It will end up costing both of you, if he contests the divorce (solicitor's fees, etc) but even though "he won't agree to that" you're not completely helpless. He doesn't have to agree to it, and he knows it. From the first part of that ("a financial settlement is only decided if you're divorcing") he's been doing his homework, so he's covering his back. Make sure you do your homework, too. There are many good websites out there that will allow you to arm yourself with preliminary info before you see a solicitor, so check them out. A couple of good ones are:

http://www.divorceaid.co.uk/
http://www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk/infoabout/divorce/index.htm

Look after yourself through all of this. It's very easy to get stressed and lost in all the unfamiliar and horrible things that happen when a long-term relationship ends. Remember that the old, 'happy you' is still there under all that stress, and try to find her anytime you feel down. It took me two years, but I'm finally remembering what the real me 'feels like' again, and despite my debt and the fact that I'm single, I've never been happier.

I'm on the end of a PM if you need to talk at any time