Separation advice please

tyllwyd

About any inheritance - it might not be appropriate in your actual circumstances, but a solicitor would be able to advise about your mum about the options of setting up a trust in her will.

chevalier

Hi there
Stay strong. He is using the buttons that he has pushed your whole marriage to keep you in check. Now is the time to disconnect those buttons and move on with your new happier life
chev

Rowan9

I also say stay strong!!! I've been through this with my ex. fast forward 10 years or so and i have met and married a lovely man (6 years this yr). You will get through it - sometimes the only way through is through. I held onto that thought many times. I still get fiercely independent about money and find it hard to believe that my 'new' OH really does want to buy me something or whatever. My sister gave me the advice of make up on, chin up and smile no matter what you're feeling. never let them see a weak moment!! many times i cried my eyes out afterwards but i learned to stand tall (5ft 3) and proud of myself when dealing with him.
Good luck with this
W

jessbrown100

Hi Antronella,
I split up from my ex 6 years ago and left the house without many of my most prized possesions. Over the years though I have realised that my freedom was so much more valuable! I'm not saying don't push for every penny that you're entitled to but keep taking a deep breath and thinking 'I've got my freedom and that is my most precious asset!'
best of luck, will be thinking of you

antronella

Thanks to all of you.

I had my appointment with the solicitor today. Seems that apart from mum writing me out of her will (and having my share left to a sibling) there is no sure way to prevent the possibility of sharing any money 50/50. All finances are looked at and decided by the judge. It would also be obvious what i had done...and it is unethical really, so don't think I could do it. Also, because it is all still such a shock to him, it is very likely that i would have a huge (expensive) fight on my hands if I do something now. i don't want to tip him over the edge and cause a breakdown.. he has suffered from depression before. If I wait 2 years, there is more chance that he will have accepted it by then and it should be more straightforward.

I am also responsible for any house maintenance and insurance, as it is half my responsibility, even though I'm not living there.

Was told that a divorce nowadays costs.. approx £5,000 :eek: and I am 'just' unable to claim legal aid. Looks like I need to start saving.

I have registered with freecycle, thanks (someone's just been to collect a sim card!)

All in all I feel quite depressed about the situation..seems like its going to be a long, expensive and emotional haul.

Thanks to everyone for the support...and tales of light at the end of the tunnel xx

belfastgirl23

I can see why you're feeling a bit down ... but... at least you know the worst now and are still standing and coping with it

It's gonna be a bit tough for the next little while. But I guarantee that it will all sort itself out in the end and in a couple of years time you will be so glad you did it all. No advice since you seem to have everything really well in hand but just a line to say very well done, it's hard facing a solicitor.

And at the end of the day it's only money. As Jessbrown says you have your freedom and that's more precious than anything. And any assets that end up with your husband will more than likely go to your children in the longer run so try viewing it that if the worst happened he would be just 'borrowing' them for a while...

Lots of luck and be sure to do something nice to reward yourself for starting to get this sorted. It's very easy to put it off and I really admire you for getting moving with it.

One last thing...I do have a little advice altho quite possibly redundant cos you know it already. It would be worth trying the DFW board if you're looking to sort out your money. Those people really do know how to shave £ off living expenses. I know you aren't in debt but I think given the circs (and that you will want to stay out of debt!) you would get some help.

antronella

Thanks, I have been lurking in DFW for past few weeks...and I am learning lots!!! ...never want to be in debt, the thought terrifies me. (a relative had her home repossessed last year when she was 45).

Rowan9

I'm glad you have sought legal advice antronella. Sorry that things can't move along faster for you. I agree that it is just money but sometimes that's hard to handle. i also believe that what goes around comes around. Finally...you are NOT responsible for your ex husband's mental health. Sounds mean but you need to look after yourself. Just take little steps just now and know that you are being strong and are taking action.
W

esthomizzy

Have a virtual hug <HUG> (I'm sorry I don't know how to do the spangly ones others do). Also I know it is hard to be upbeat but the more time passes the less he will probably struggle to fight it. Of course that doesn't mean that you should not continuing attempt to sever financial ties and continue to make clear your position. It will get better eventually and at some point you will look back on it, you know already you did the right thing but it's still hard. It will get easier.

needtoearnmoremoney

I have been reading this thread since it began and am realising just how supportive you all are of each other.

I am in the situation of Antronella's husband except that our £130,000 mortgage has not been paid off so I'm currently paying it on my own. OH moved out into a rented house at the end of July and says he doesn't know what he wants. We spent Xmas together and since he moved out he has stayed here sometimes and I've stayed with him a couple of times (More of a problem as I have the dog).. However I feel like my life is on hold. He seems happy enough with this idea that we're apart some of the time yet can also go out as a couple. All his mail, with the exceptopn of his bank and mobile phone, all comes here and various organisations/friends still ring here. So i guess I'm just hoping that he 'will see sense' though i know I'm probably living in a fools paradise.

My question is related to what happens if we do sell. I'm not prepared to sell at a low figure and have a big mortgage to live where i don't want to be though have just put the house on the market to see what happens.

Would it be a 50/50 split or could i insist that as I'm paying about £1000 per month in mortgage, endowment policies ( and yes i know but they are very near to finishing) and house insurance could I insist that I was repaid the amount I'd paid out before any split?

If we don't sell at the top price I've decided that I'll stay here for the 5 years before he could ask for un uncontested divorce (though at the moment it doesnt seem to be on his radar).
If I do that would I be able to claim 5 years worth of £1000 per month?