Separation advice please

tyllwyd

I think he is trying to manipulate you. I had a quick look around on the web, and it seems that you can get a divorce without his agreement after five years separation, so even though it is a long time to wait, he can't hold you to ransom forever. But I also saw something called a separation agreement, which could cover financial matters and would seem to be perfectly reasonable in your situation.

I think you need to try to get him to go to some kind of counselling, whether it is marriage guidance or mediation, so that there is a third party to help you both through the process.

(My understanding (as a non-lawyer) of the difference between an arbitrator and a mediator is that in arbitration, the parties will agree that instead of going through the court, the arbitrator will make the decision, whereas a mediator will work with the parties to try to get them to come to a mutually agreed decision. Personally, I think mediation might be more useful to you because your husband obviously has a lot of issues with the situation. Or how about leaving aside the finanical issues for now and going for marriage guidance because if he accepts that the marriage has come to an end, sorting out the finances might be a lot easier and less emotional.)

antronella

Can't tell you how good it was to find that reply this morning. Thank you so much for taking the time. It is such a blessing i found this site, the support from 'strangers' is amazing. :A I will look up those links and find out as much info as I can. thank you x

antronella

In theory the counselling sounds a good idea, but it wouldn't work (no doubt about that). He doesn't want the marriage to be over and will not change his mind about that...he thinks it is me in the wrong for the problems we have had over the years, and although I have not been perfect I am not 100% to blame. There is no way anyone else can make him see things any differently (we went to relate twice). He can argue black is white and still 'win'.

skint_spice

Have you been to see a solicitor yet antronella? hopefully they can start the process off for you at least. I hope it works out for you as it seems really unfair to me.

belfastgirl23

Hi Antronella, if he is not happy with divorcing I think you would still be able to register as seperated and at least then would have the paperwork in place for a contested divorce down the line.

I also think though that it''s worth taking some time to think about what you want (apart from being apart of course) and to perhaps have some sort of counselling yourself in any case. Or maybe even some assertiveness training or something. So many years of giving in for a quiet life must have a huge effect on you and I am so impressed you managed to pull together the strength to leave, especially if there wasn't one big row or whatever. Maybe you need some support to keep going.

But I do think you should try to get to a stage where you have a scenario in your head for when you meet him so that you take control of the conversations.

As for the roof I think in some ways it might be emblematic of the whole thing and if you give in on it then he might read this as you giving in on other things. So it's really important to hold the line. I would just agree in principle (tho not in writing) that the cost of the reroofing can be deducted from your half of the settlement when it's made. How he pays for it in the meantime is his problem. And I would really dig my heels in on this. Not by fighting etc but just by broken record technique 'I can't afford it and I am not prepared to do it'.

Good luck. It might all seem awful now but you've done the hardest thing, it's just about keeping your strength up from here on in.

antronella

Thank you all. I am not in a good place right now...so just wanted to say thanks. I had deleted his number from my mobile and he rang today and I didn't recognise it, and answered. Am due back at work in jan after being signed off since oct, was hoping to be stronger but feel like I'm sinking again. I appreciate this is not the place for this (moneysaving forum) but it all becomes blurred into one, so I'm sorry. Thank you again..I will try take the advice of counselling..just don't feel up to it right now.

serena

Why don't you change your mobile phone number? It's easy to get hold of free SIMS cards - my 17 year old son has a whole collection of them! I know it would be inconvenient telling all your contacts, but you'd be sure not to get any unwanted surprises.

((((antronella)))) - to be going on with, until you feel a little bit stronger. When you do, write yourself a short list of positive statements that you can look at in low moments - like the ones I keep on my fridge or mirror to motivate me to stick with my healthy diet - yes, I know it's trivial by comparison, but it helps your resolve. eg 'I am strong, clever, capable and independent.' Or 'It's much better to be happy on my own than miserable with the wrong person.'

Do you have any friends that can offer support?

Don't worry about asking for support - there's an amazing community on this forum!

antronella

I wouldn't be able to change my number cos I need him to be able to contact me if there was any problem with DS & DD. Nice idea though. Just feel so sad again & guilty. he says i am destroying his life, that he is close to a nervous breakdown and won't be able to carry on with his job for much longer.

belfastgirl23

antronella wrote: »

I wouldn't be able to change my number cos I need him to be able to contact me if there was any problem with DS & DD. Nice idea though. Just feel so sad again & guilty. he says i am destroying his life, that he is close to a nervous breakdown and won't be able to carry on with his job for much longer.

In that case I'd suggest to him seeing his gp or a trained therapist. You CANNOT allow him to make it your problem (again symbolically he will see this as a sign you'll get back together again). He is not your responsibility and you will interfere with his healing process if you take any of this on. For his good as well as yours you need to be clear with him that you are not the fixer any more. You have already suggested seeing someone professional to sort things out and he has refused. So he is not willing to take on any responsibility for improving his situation. You simply cannot be the person to take up the slack, not if you want to be fair to both yourself and him.

Sorry I know that all sounds harsh but I can sense you wavering (for admirable reasons) and you can't do that now!!

antronella

Belfast girl, Hope you realise just how much reading that meant to me...thank you x