Curbing the ridiculous

CRANKY40

I hope you told her no for Christmas. Try the potty training person with just jogging pants, no underpants. That's what I had to do. He couldn't cope with pulling two lots of clothing down. In the summer I left him naked from the waist down in the house but with socks on. He hated getting wet feet so the connection was made fairly quickly. 

QueenJess

Urgh, that is a bit pants really.  I was always taught you treat your children the same (this is what my parents do) and it is what I am doing with mine too. I can't imagine how hard it would have been to work with DC1 - it was nigh on impossible when I tried it with DS during lockdown.

Perhaps you have to not rely on her anymore and do your own thing - then you can't be disappointed.  It's rubbish, but maybe better for your mental health in the long run?

moving_forward

Mother in law needs to do one. She's taking advantage of your anxiety and trying to control you both by making you need her then withdrawing. It's bulky and coercive control. Try your best to do without her. She's obviously as jealous as the other sibling. Think what advice you would give to someone else going through it. I had it with my long dead parents and my M.I.L. has just learnt for the second time and last I won't play her games and I won't have contact again. Our lot have long flown nest so no bargaining can be done 😁 
Surround yourself with only those who love and respect you and you will begin to love and respect yourself like I have 🥰

moving_forward

P.s. re Xmas even if you not there erm NO NO NO replace most of that with expletives of your choice

[Deleted User]

@CRANKY40 - yes, I did say that this was why we were having xmas on our own this year!!  Thanks for the tip - will try that - I've resorted to treats this morning - told him if he did his wee wees and poo poos on the toilet and not in his pants or on the floor he could have treats.  It has worked so far - gonna take them out to a cafe shortly just to get out the house so that will be a test!  Def going to pack a spare pair of trousers!

@QueenJess - yes, me too.  For all my parents' faults they do treat my brother and I equally.  I will do the same with my kids.  Yes, I think we are going to try our best to cope without her help as she is showing herself as unreliable sadly.  I had been hoping that when DC1 starts school I might be able to get her to pick them both up one day a week and bring them back here so I can work late but I doubt it now.  As I say, I wouldn't mind if she was the same with her DD1 but she bends over backwards for her and we are left to go fend for ourselves.

[Deleted User]

@moving_forward - thank you.  Yes, it does seem a bit controlling to me.  And totally agree re xmas - even if we are not here she is not hosting in our house!

moving_forward

Be the strong woman you know you are x

sashybo

Hi Rebecca, I have read through your diary and you've had so much to deal with! So well done for managing especially on disrupted/little sleep. Congratulations on your new house!

My kids are 4 & 2 and we go through peaks and troughs with sleep. I haven't slept properly since DS was born! I don't think I realised how much harder bad sleep makes everything.

I was nodding along when you wrote about the mental load, my DH is similar - he's a good dad and pretty hands on and also likes to cook but all the organising of appointments/childcare and remembering things is left to me. I work job share so to an extent I accept that I have to do more in the house & more of the childcare but it's tiring having to do and remember all the things!

Sorry to hear that your MIL is being a pain. My DH is an only child and his parents still manage to criticise everything we do or say. Luckily they live several hundred miles away  from us but still like to tell us how they wouldn't be watching the kids as much as my mum does - to allow me to WORK!! Not like we're out partying. 😂 🤷‍♀️ 

Actually my PIL can't even stand a 10 minute video call with the grandchildren they (apparently) miss so much if they start crying/being grumpy etc - baring in mind they're only 4 & 2. 🤦‍♀️ 

Hope you can find a childcare solution that works for you. Sending hugs.

Alchemilla

[Deleted User] said:

@QueenJess - she already does this as well anyway!  She bangs on about how she treats all her children equally (DH has 2 sisters but 1 doesn't have kids) and she said the other day "oh I treated DD1 to lunch so I have to treat DD2 to lunch too".  She is on about selling her house and giving DD1 her inheritance early so she can buy a bigger house, then said: "but then I'd have to do the same for DD2 really" no mention whatsoever of my DH.  When I raised this with her when she decided to withdraw help she said "oh he's not bothered" (we always pay for her when we go for lunch with her and often take her out and the others don't) and I felt like saying "he is actually, if you bothered to ask him".  He said to me he's done with his family as he is just sick of it.  She was upset that her parents didn't treat their kids (she has 2 brothers who both got significant monetary help and are now both loaded) equally yet she is doing exactly the same thing!!

We had this in 2020 when she withdrew help and basically dropped us in it as we couldn't get a nursery place for 6 months, I was pregnant with DC2 and had to try to WFH with DC1 at home as well.  Like I say, if she was the same with all her kids then fine but it's the unfairness and seemingly punishing us which gets to us.  DH is furious and honestly, he's the nicest kindest person I know and is pretty level headed (whereas I am quite reactionary and hot headed) so if he is fuming then I know it is not just me!!

Thank you!  DH planted the asparagus at the weekend in a raised bed and I know he is hoping to do some more this weekend.  I've just done a sketch of what we are going to do to playroom so we can get cracking (if ever we are not exhausted!)

As Captain Awkward says, sometimes the cheapest way to pay for things is with money. You are doing a lot of emotional work with MIL in lieu of nursery fees, and she's not even your Mum (meaning she is your DH's). Perhaps other things would feel better if you were not having to put all that emotional work in?

Alchemilla

moving_forward said:

P.s. re Xmas even if you not there erm NO NO NO replace most of that with expletives of your choice

Hell no! No to the max! Nope! Have you seen my Nopetopus?!