Curbing the ridiculous

Buffythedebtslayer

I am furious about your MIL. UTTERLY Furious. 

I can't even type anything coherent. 

Blackcats

Good grief to the antics of your mil.  People are so strange - she should be pleased about your new home after seeing first hand how hard it was living in first one flat, moving to another, one house purchase falling through etc.  heck, your friends on here are so excited for you.

I have a family member who uses their childcare as emotional ammunition and as a way of control over the other family member.  They send late night texts saying - we can't have x tomorrow - hope that's ok. And then puts 2 kisses at the end of the text!    How can it be ok when both parents were expecting to be at work the next morning?  They then send another text saying "hey hun, hope you are ok.  Have I upset you?" With a couple more kisses.  

I hope the potty gets a bit more use again soon.  

enthusiasticsaver

How annoying of your MIL especially when you stayed in the area for the support she gave which she has now withdrawn. I would be livid with her.  We moved away from our families when our children were small for a better lifestyle so understandably got no family support and survived with nursery places and childminders.  It got easier as they get older as it will for you. We provide childcare for our granddaughters one day a week for my DD2 (1 preschooler and 1 at school) and 2 days a week in school holidays. I would not dream of just withdrawing it but if my DD1 ever has children that could be a problem as she lives 100 miles away so not that easy to provide the same level of support.  In financial things though we treat them both the same as my mum does with me and my siblings. 

Chrystal

Is MIL the only choice of childcare?   
I'd definitely stop treating her at cafes etc.. apart from the fact that she doesn't deserve it, it probably gives her the impression that you've got loads of money!
Really it's up to DH to talk to his mother about what's happening.  (((hugs)))XX

warby68

I'm so sorry about your MIL. It probably is best to set yourselves up to manage without her. It does sound like things are regularly fraught with her. The nursery years are not forever thankfully. My mum opted out of childcare as well mainly because she thought I shouldn't work. My MIL on the other hand couldn't wait to help. My mum then became jealous and blamed me for that too!

I know you're keen to attack the house but maybe a Plan B until the childcare costs (and sheer physical/time/emotional demands) drop a bit might be worth thinking about. It does get easier once they're at school. Sleep is usually better by then and easier to have routines even if its still hard work. 

[Deleted User]

Wow.  Thank you guys for your support.  Means so much.  I feel very alone otherwise as I have no family here.

We've booked DC1 into nursery from 9-3 on a Tuesday starting next week.  I am off Tuesdays so can drop him and collect him making it easier for DH on that day.  It's another £210 a month which, with the cost of living crisis and the amount which needs doing to the house, we could do without, but I just don't think we have any other option at present.  That way, my life is made a little easier as only have DC2 and oftentimes he will sleep for 2-2.5 hours in a morning so I might even have the luxury of a couple of hours to myself (who am I kidding - I will be cleaning or doing laundry or something I'm sure!!).

DH should hear about his promotion/payrise in next couple of weeks.  If that takes us over the threshold for free hours (different here to uk) then I will seek to go back full time from sept and put DC2 with a childminder on a tuesday if I can (as his nursery currently don't have any space for him) but if it doesn't take us over then there's little point in my going back FT as we def will go over threshold if I go back FT.

I'm still hopping mad at MIL and I do feel in some ways we were manipulated into staying.  Will be interesting to see if she brings it up with DH when he picks up DC2 this afternoon - he dropped him this morning as I've been awake since 4am puking (no idea why) but he literally just dropped him and ran so she didn't get chance to say anything.  I've given him all the answers he needs in reply to anything she says to try to make it sound as if I am being unreasonable.

Got to do big shop in lunch hour today - had been planning to go for a run but obvs can't as been unwell and feel rough (though still working!).  We need a fair bit as we need to top up on essentials and also buy some beers and nibbles as we have invited friends over tomorrow afternoon.  Hoping to keep it under £100 but suspect it might be more.

DH has just spent £414 on scaffolding boards to make raised beds for the veg.  We had a few from our old house but he is doing this on a massive scale this time.  He did ask first though he made it sound like it was going to be cheaper than it was.  That said, we did agree that we would have a garden budget so it can come out of that (figuratively as it's all in the same place).

Amber1980

My mum has always made promises to help with various things over the years then held it over me or let me down,it’s easier said than done but I now sort pretty much everything out myself which costs more money and sometimes limits my life but I then don’t ever get let down and upset,it’s a shame as some of my friends have mums and other family members who are completely different but I’ve accepted after a lot of upset over the years that this is where I am.xxxx

Sunshine_girl2

Great to hear you have finally moved in your new home and are starting to get it how you wanted . 

As a grandmother myself who has my DGS 2 all day Friday and then pick the other 2 up after school it saddens me that some grandparents state they will do childcare and then just drop it when they feel like it. If they don't want to help they should say so at the outset. It's not for everyone, I just do the one day and then babysitting in the evenings occasionally . 

I think you are probably best going it alone and not relying on anyone just nursery then you get at least peace of mind. 

Hope you are better as the day goes on. 

Humdinger1

@[Deleted User] so sorry to hear about your MIL, and after she pressurised you into staying on the island! She is deffo a candidate for therapy though she'd deny it! My exMIL was also very difficult, in fact I literally ran her out of the house when I was heavily pregnant...not my finest hour but she was questioning both my birth plan (water, but it never came to pass as emergency Casaerean was needed), and my plan to return to work because we needed the money.  From memeory, I may even have been growling as i escorted her out 'You're mixing me up with someone who gives a f*ck about your opinion '. Weirdly after exH and I parted things got much better.  It's her stuff not yours, as above, nursery is not for ever.  When does your eldest start school? Look forward to hearing if DH's payrise goes through love Humdinger xx 

[Deleted User]

Thanks guys 

Eldest starts school Sept 2023, youngest Sept 2025.  So it's not that long to go - year and a half of the major pain then cheaper/easier once eldest at school.

I think I wouldn't mind at all if she said she wasn't doing it for any of her grandkids - it's the fact she will do it for DH's sister (and not only that, to a greater extent than she does for us) but our kids are just not as important.  It's very sad because DH's sister's kids have their other granny on island so have relationships on 2 sides whereas my parents live in UK so see them about 2-3 times a year.

Anyway, DH is there now so will be interesting to see what she's said to him when he gets back!

Spent 106.89 on shop and still things to get.  However, bought 6 bottles of our fave wine as was on offer at £5.02 then another 5% off for buying 6 and had a voucher for £1.50 off as well - so made sense.  Also bought kitchen roll when didn't need yet because had a 50p off voucher.  Also spent quite a bit on mini easter eggs for the kids so they can do an egg hunt - they haven't had their own garden to do one in since 2020 (and DC2 never) so spoiling them this year.

Got a Charlie Bighams for tonight - we always have a takeaway or a treat meal on a friday night and this is bags cheaper (and a lot nicer) than a takeaway.

I still feel rough as a badgers.