Curbing the ridiculous

badmemory

I always felt not really good enough but when I was almost 50 this lightbulb came on.  Not about debt or anything as I had none but about my life.  What turned it on believe it or not was when my then 13 yo son caught my mother going through my opened post.  Funnily enough about that time I needed to change my locks & my after school care.  What really rubbed it in was when my single fairly well paid sister paid off her mortgage & we're all we lets go out & celebrate.  Almost 2 years later I paid off mine as a somewhat less than well paid ingle mother.  My son & I had a blast.  Basically if you have parents that spend all their time judging you, you are way better off on your own.  I think the earlier you accept THEIR failings the better your relationship is likely to be.  It took me way too long to get it.

Humdinger1

badmemory said:

I always felt not really good enough but when I was almost 50 this lightbulb came on.  Not about debt or anything as I had none but about my life.  What turned it on believe it or not was when my then 13 yo son caught my mother going through my opened post.  Funnily enough about that time I needed to change my locks & my after school care.  What really rubbed it in was when my single fairly well paid sister paid off her mortgage & we're all we lets go out & celebrate.  Almost 2 years later I paid off mine as a somewhat less than well paid ingle mother.  My son & I had a blast.  Basically if you have parents that spend all their time judging you, you are way better off on your own.  I think the earlier you accept THEIR failings the better your relationship is likely to be.  It took me way too long to get it.

What?! Well done on the LBM.Can totally agree with this.  The day I realised that I had to accept my mum as she is was the day our relationship took a huge step forward.  @[Deleted User] you are a fab mother.  'A mother's place is in the wrong '; how I laughed when I heard that but we are probably one of the last groups that it's OK to criticise nonstop...according to some at least xx

enthusiasticsaver

I swear mums have selective memories having spent the last week as a buffer between my elderly mother, my daughters and son in law and grandchildren. She is constantly criticising modern parenting methods in front of my DD2 and son in law who have 2 little ones.  She forgets the tantrums my brother had as a toddler  and no doubt me and m sister and is convinced my 3 year old DGD is unusual in asserting her independence sometimes. I find myself constantly biting my tongue with her the older she gets. She also does not get that mostly parents need to work these days as well as rear children and she was a SAHM for much of her working life. So many less pressures then. 

badmemory

Whilst I have the odd gripe against my sister I am eternally grateful to her & her nerves of steel.  Knowing my parents as she did, before I came back to live locally & to stay with them for a couple of months, she sat them down & told them that as I was now a single mum they must NOT undermine my authority over my son as it would not end well.  She must have knocked them back on their heels because they never did.  I expected at least weekly digs but never once & they were actually helpful too.  It didn't stop them undermining me as me but never as mum thankfully.

I have a confession here though, I have said to my friend is there anything to do to get them to stop your grandaughter spending every single minute glued to a screen, she is only just 10 & they worry she has few social skills & her best friend is 7.  It isn't exactly rocket science.  We actually have conversations when it is just the 2 of us, but if you don't talk to her what on earth do you expect!

[Deleted User]

Sorry to read all your mother stories.  Mine is also not great.  I had a very competitive father and a very critical mother which, I learned in therapy, is a BAD combination.  So I get the not feeling good enough and the problems it brings as that has plagued me all my life.  I actually wince and move away if my mother goes to hug me or touch me - luckily she lives in uk so I probs only see her 2-3 times a year.  But it does make me sad - I don't actually love my mother and that is a hard thing to admit.

I love my dad, but he has his own issues - he's always been impressed by and measures success by, wealth and status.  So I was always pushed and pushed and pushed to achieve - academically and in sport.  My cousin is a doctor in the US and my dad once said "it will be interesting to see who earns more in life, you or cousin" and I was like WHY?!!!!  WHO CARES?!!!!!  For a very long time my life was driven by money and 'status' and I think that's probably one of the reasons I struggled when I took a big step back in my career.  But slowly, and with the help of DH (and really since the DC were born), I have begun to realise that it just doesn't matter - and I attach much less importance to it now.  Though I do have the occasional wobble as I think it is so ingrained.

And it's not my parents fault they are the way they are - I totally recognise it comes from their parents.  My grandmother (mum's mum) dragged her from pub to pub to meet man to man (for my grandmother, not my mother!) and walked out on her and her sister when she was 8.  My grandfather re-married and they went on to have a son and my mum always felt abandoned and excluded.  She never saw my grandmother again and I never met her.  And so my mum understandably struggled to bond with me and didn't really.  I was always made to feel like I was just in the way and unwanted and she said some very cruel things to me throughout my childhood.  But I do recognise it wasn't her fault.

My dad, well, I always LOVED my nan and thought she was the best thing since sliced bread..  I was devastated when she died when I was about 11 as she always made me feel loved and special.  But since I've got older I've realised that she wasn't the perfect parent (which is also upsetting as I idolised her) and basically, my dad was always made to feel like he was not as clever as his younger sister (who went on to become a professor in the US) and then his younger brother became a doctor and also married an heiress so my nan was always on about their achievements, status and wealth (as for them this was a big thing as she worked in a factory).  So I get why they were like that but I am desperate to break that cycle with my kids.

Scottiedog_3

@[Deleted User] A virtual hug for you - this past experience has obviously made you a much better mother. 

[Deleted User]

So, now I've poured my heart out, moving on to more mundane things!

Have managed to sell £30 of baby stuff so far, though £5 has gone on a dvd of DC1's "nativity".  Playmat wasn't selling at £10 so re-advertised for £5 and someone collecting saturday.

Was going to bag up and sell baby clothes but instead, am going to donate them to the people fleeing Ukraine.  Someone locally has set up a drop off point so am going to look at those tonight/tomorrow and get them all ready and drop in on weekend.  Have lots of baby-gros, vests, not sure if still got the gro-bags as think may have given those to DH's cousin but will check.  Also some blankets.  I know that is only a small thing but if it helps at all then that is great.

Money-wise we aren't doing too badly this month - have been fairly judicious so far and still well under half budget with new budget starting on 20th.  Worked in office mon and yesterday - got a free bacon roll monday so saved on lunch and then took lunch in yesterday and didn't leave my desk apart from to pee, gossip and make coffee, so didn't spend at lunch time.  Inevitably we needed milk so went after work and got 2, DH said we needed kitchen roll, pudding and a card for my best friend whose mum has just died.  So that was £12.18.

Asbestos people were here yesterday and are here today taking down the outbuilding, though that is coming from savings/house reno budget (which are essentially the same thing).  Am off with the DC today - DC2 down for a nap and need to read with DC1 in a moment.  It's hard going at the minute as he has regressed with the potty training and is now constantly weeing and pooing on floor/in his pants, which is exhausting as constantly cleaning up and washing.  So things aren't great at home at the moment as we are just exhausted.

MIL has said she will no longer help out apart from having DC2 on a friday morning.  She basically said "you can go back to work the other 2 days to cover the nursery cost" - she clearly doesn't understand that I already work 4 days compressed into 3, so can actually only go back for 7 more hours a week but can't get a nursery place for both of them on the same day so I can't.  Am going to see if can put DC1 in for an extra 6 hours on a tuesday but it's another £210 a month.  We already pay almost £1600.  When I said this to her she said "well, you shouldn't have bought such a big house with such a big mortgage".  I wouldn't be annoyed but for the fact that she always helps DH's sister with her kids and it's one rule for them and another for us.  We have also had this before where she comments on our lifestyle and we think (though are not sure) it is coming as a result of DH's sister being upset that they can't afford a bigger house (as we have had this before - how can we afford a house, holidays etc) and it's MIL's way of redressing the balance somewhat (bearing in mind she provided 5 years full time free childcare for each of DH's sister's kids).  So I am pretty annoyed at her.  She gave us all this speech when we were looking to move away about how we needed her support, esp with DC1's possible additional needs then just withdraws it.  She wants the family to be "together" and spend time together but does very divisive things.   She always tries to discourage us from going on holiday we think because she knows it will upset DH's sister.  So things are difficult with her.

Going to WFH tomorrow so that I can not have to bother getting ready in the morning and go for a run at lunchtime.  Really need to start loosing weight and know I will be more motivated if I can get back into running.  

Tonight is sausage pasta with lloyd grossman chilli sauce (was on offer as were the sausages) from stores.  Pudding is the rest of the baklava I bought for pudding last night.

QueenJess

Oh how frustrating.  Having help with childcare can really make a huge difference (I know as I have exactly zero help as family too far away etc..).  You would hope she would be able to redress the balance another way - maybe providing treats/other monetary things/help rather than removing childcare from you.  Wouldn't she miss seeing DC?

I am very excited about the new house for you and will be following in anticipation to see the things you do with it.  Just the right time to move as well to start on the garden for Spring

[Deleted User]

@QueenJess - she already does this as well anyway!  She bangs on about how she treats all her children equally (DH has 2 sisters but 1 doesn't have kids) and she said the other day "oh I treated DD1 to lunch so I have to treat DD2 to lunch too".  She is on about selling her house and giving DD1 her inheritance early so she can buy a bigger house, then said: "but then I'd have to do the same for DD2 really" no mention whatsoever of my DH.  When I raised this with her when she decided to withdraw help she said "oh he's not bothered" (we always pay for her when we go for lunch with her and often take her out and the others don't) and I felt like saying "he is actually, if you bothered to ask him".  He said to me he's done with his family as he is just sick of it.  She was upset that her parents didn't treat their kids (she has 2 brothers who both got significant monetary help and are now both loaded) equally yet she is doing exactly the same thing!!

We had this in 2020 when she withdrew help and basically dropped us in it as we couldn't get a nursery place for 6 months, I was pregnant with DC2 and had to try to WFH with DC1 at home as well.  Like I say, if she was the same with all her kids then fine but it's the unfairness and seemingly punishing us which gets to us.  DH is furious and honestly, he's the nicest kindest person I know and is pretty level headed (whereas I am quite reactionary and hot headed) so if he is fuming then I know it is not just me!!

Thank you!  DH planted the asparagus at the weekend in a raised bed and I know he is hoping to do some more this weekend.  I've just done a sketch of what we are going to do to playroom so we can get cracking (if ever we are not exhausted!)

[Deleted User]

Oh and she's always buying the sister and her kids lunches, clothes, paying for activities etc - we get zero.  Again, we don't mind this so much but when coupled with withdrawing help because she has a bee in her bonnet about her house (which she asked the other day if they could have christmas here this year even if we went away - so she's happy we have a "big" (for context, it's not that big and is smaller than her 6 bedroom house.....) house when it suits her!) it really does grate!!