I am trying really hard and my husband... just isn't.

Jude57

Reading your further comments @vickthestick it seems like you're doing the lion's share of the practical, financial and emotional work of the family. You're the one who thinks of the support and guidance your older children need on leaving home. You're doing all the heavy lifting here and its certainly not a marriage of equals. I suspect you've known this for some time, but perhaps seeing the pretty much unanimous support you're getting here is helpful in letting you see things with fresh eyes.

And I'll repeat my earlier comment, that you can buy in the help with childcare, housework, ironing etc. I'm appalled at you OH's reluctance to get a dishwasher, given that he doesn't even do the dishes. Save up and buy one anyway. Anyone with tons of old internal combustion engined vehicles can hardly preach about saving the planet IMHO!

vickthestick

Purplelady65 said:

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Your OH appears to contribute very little financially, physically or emotionally to you and the household. It just seems as if he has abdicated responsibility for everything to you. Are you able to manage all the bills yourself and is there any money left over for yourself at the end of the month or for any savings? If he wasn’t living there would you be able to manage all the bills? From what you’ve said his financial contribution is very minimal anyway.  

There is potentially about £300 leftover at the end of the month once all bills are paid, assuming that my husband does some of the food shopping, otherwise not that much. Today he bought pasta, smoothies and smoked salmon for tea - no veg  This month I have paid my dentist bill for a filling and also for a Gold DofE canoeing expedition for number three plus some back to school things like pens and tights. I rely a lot on a local free page, offering things that the children have grown out of in return for things we need and that's how I managed to get a pair of rugby boots for the wee man and a double bed frame for a mattress we already had. Next month it will need to go on the car service and MOT and number five's birthday. Things would be tight, but he actually doesn't do a lot of food shopping anyway and I would likely recoop a little of that through single adult council tax and also not paying his life insurance or the credit card I have been paying off (have now stopped that direct debit) etc so it will likely be about the same?
Two of the children attend the same school as myself and the wee one is at the primary school round the corner so he walks up to my school when he has finished and the ladies in the office let him in so no childcare to pay. I don't have any savings as such, but I will keep money one month to pay for something expensive the following month, like Christmas, for example, or the car insurance.
I personally am very low maintenance, and apart from a recent pair of brand new walking boots to replace the ones I had had for about fifteen years, and a shiny new map, I can't think of anything else I have spent on for me this year. Of course I make sure that the children have everything they need (not necessarily what they want, but they have also been brought up to be low maintenance and to live within their pocket money budget and not to ask for more - if they want a big thing they need to save).  

Purplelady65

Wow - you are doing a fantastic job making your budget balance with all the various demands on it. It must be a real juggling act - you must be super organised. I think you’ve done the right thing by not continuing to pay your OH’s credit card bills or life insurance. I just find it really odd that your OH finds it acceptable to keep all his pension money more or less for himself and hasn’t worked for 20 years either as even if he’d worked part time he could have earned as well and contributed more to the family finances. I just couldn’t justify having a steady reasonable income to spend on myself and see my OH stretched to the limit paying for absolutely everything for the whole household bar a little bit of food. I wish you lots of luck with whatever you decide to do. I don’t like to suggest that couples would be better apart but I’m not sure what joy or enjoyment he brings to your life. 

glennevis

Mojisola said:

As he is a joint owner of the property, it would be worth registering for a property alert with the Land Registry.

https://propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk/

Doesn't apply to Scotland.

Teapot55

vickthestick said:

Teapot55 said:

Hi again. One of the beauties of MSE is its anonymity, so my suggestion of seeking advice  from your union may not suit. Possibly via their national website though? 

Thanks for coming back. I am actually the union rep so it was spot on advice, I just hadn't thought about it as being relevant for things not to do with work.  It was a good call. Already investigating.  

Aha. Not sure if all unions provide help and/or advice on non-professional matters but definitely worth enquiring. 

Drawingaline

Reading your further comments it seems that you have already made the biggest decision, that you are at the stage of investigating a divorce/separation rather than conciliation. 

Good luck with your journey, sometimes it just takes that first leap of faith to bring everything into focus. You definitely sound like you are prepared to move forward now.

vickthestick

I'm getting there.  And the children are also clearly there. Unfortunately, I have Covid just now, brought home by husband from his solo holiday to Ireland, and now spreading round the household, so we are all going to be at home for the next ten days. However, I will be using my time fruitfully to investigate financial and family and housing options. 

Teapot55

So sorry to hear about covid being in your family. Wishing you all a speedy recovery. 

TheAble

Blimey - and now he's brought Covid home. Hubby really can do no right atm...!

Mojisola

vickthestick said:

Unfortunately, I have Covid just now, brought home by husband from his solo holiday to Ireland, and now spreading round the household, so we are all going to be at home for the next ten days.

So he went off on his own during the school holidays, leaving you with work and all the childcare?