I am trying really hard and my husband... just isn't.

SusieT

vickthestick said:

Thanks for everyone's kind words and helpful suggestions. Even just talking about it is a weight off.
I have checked with StepChange and they are happy to speak to my husband about his debt issue but they don't give help and advice to the spouse who isn't in debt. Have also printed off the forms to change the joint account to a sole account - not looking forward to that conversation. And I am working my way through all the credit card bills to work out exactly how much is owed. 

Since it appears to be only you paying in to the joint account and that it is in credit, then rather than saying that you want to take his name off it, would it be better received if you were to open another bills account in your name only, and then run down and close the joint one?
It would be easy to transfer any direct debits and you can use or move any remaining balance in it fairly easily especially if you use it for groceries etc. If the account has a nil (or very small) balance it will not be interesting to him, and if there is no overdraft and he says no, you should be able to remove your name from it even if he does not want his name removed. 

enthusiasticsaver

vickthestick said:

I have suggested that he needs to speak to someone about his debts but he just keeps coming back to putting it on the mortgage and then everything will be fine and we need to do that now and we can't wait because he's about to run out of money. 😳

Just tell him you will not agree to that as he will just build the  debt back up again.  Point out he is paying nothing towards the bills so only has to sort his debt out and if he is running out of money he will have to reduce his treats.  Honestly what a cheek. 

5lilpigs

Theres some excellent advice on this thread, best of luck, I think a divorce sooner rather than later will be the best thing for you and your children.

RAS

Is he actually working full-time as a house husband and providing childcare, cooking, cleaning etc?

Most households with children require at least 1.5 incomes particularly with teens. Appreciate he's got a pension but that's obviously not even enough to support his personal spends.

I'd suggest he gets part-time work, with the added advantage that it would boost his state pension. and ring-fence it to pay off his debts.

I'd also start referring to his collecting habit as hoarding since that appears to be one way of taking over the house so you and the children can't benefit.

vickthestick

RAS said:

Is he actually working full-time as a house husband and providing childcare, cooking, cleaning etc?

Most households with children require at least 1.5 incomes particularly with teens. Appreciate he's got a pension but that's obviously not even enough to support his personal spends.

I'd suggest he gets part-time work, with the added advantage that it would boost his state pension. and ring-fence it to pay off his debts.

I'd also start referring to his collecting habit as hoarding since that appears to be one way of taking over the house so you and the children can't benefit.

He doesn't do any cleaning. He sometimes puts clothes in the washing machine but never folds anything or puts it away. I'm desperate for a dishwasher but he just keeps telling me they aren't very environmental friendly and break down a lot, but washing up takes forever with such a big household. He used to take the kids to school but I do that now. He would usually pick them up from school if they are sick.  He usually does cooking if I am at work but not always. I think the short answer is, he does the bits he wants to do. He's already going to get the full state pension (?) So that's not going to encourage him to get a job. And anyway, he would say he was too busy to get a job. He volunteers with a couple of sporting groups and that's all his time spent on those. 

RAS

vickthestick

I feel the pain. He's not so much a partner as a restriction literally tying you to the kitchen sink.

Even if he is "too busy" to get a job, just go with the mantra. Whenever he starts on about capitalising his debt, " in which case you need to get a part-time job. And if you can't do that you need to speak to Stepchange," Then walk out of the room or even the house, no discussion.

TBagpuss

I would suggest that you go and talk to a solicitor, and get some advice about where you would stand if you were to divorce.

I know you mentioned possibly leaving once your youngest does - I'd think about that, as staying together for the sake of the children is rarely a good idea ; it ties you in for far longer than necessary to an unhealthy or unhappy relationship, and the children are in that tense environment and what you're teaching them is that that type of relationship is normal. 

There are of course financial strains when separating but you might find that the benefits outweigh the negatives. 

I'd also look into whether you might qualify for any kind of benefits or tax credits if you were to separate - even though you are working, if you have dependent children you might be entitled to something.

I think you said you are in Scotland - the rules about how assets are treated on divorce are different there than in England  so I can't comment on specifics, but it would definitely make sense to talk to someone who is qualified to tell you what a court's approach to things like the debt and the pension would be. 

It does sound like a very unequal relationship where he is not pulling his weight either financially or practically, and where he is putting a lot of pressure on you to act against your own interests. 

I agree with those advising you not to agree to borrow on the mortgage to clear his debt.

I would also check how you own the house, whether as Joint Tenants or Tenants in Common (I think the terms are different in Scotland but the effects are similar) and whether it is possible to alter that if you need to. 

If he continues to put pressure on you to agree to add his debt to the mortgage then use this as basis for insisting that you talk about finances in general, and that you have definite , perhaps even written, agreement and plans moving forward to share outgoings in a way which is fair (either equally or with each of you contributing the same % of your income, or an amount that leaves each of you with a similar amount of disposable income each month) , and an agreement that he will cancel his existing credit cards and not apply for any additional credit until the debt is cleared.  but unless he sees these things as being reasonable he is unlikely to change, so I suspect hat your better bet will be to be firm in refusing to agree to take on the debt, and to separate out your finances as much as possible. If you decide not to look at a separation now, then talk to a lawyer about what you can do to protect yourself and safeguard your assets now, otherwise you could end up in another few years trying to divorce him and discovering that his debts are treated as debts of the marriage to be cleared out of the joint assets before they are divided (Again, I am not familiar with Scottish LAw so don't know how a court would approach this situation, you urgently need to get advice so you are clear on this!) 

Sncjw

Im reading this and I am so shocked at this man.

Does nothing for the househould in terms of finances and nothing really in the house. I'm shocked when you said he thinks that because he is retired he should be able to do the fun stuff. Sorry but that sounds like your not allowed the fun stuff because you work.

Surely you need the fun stuff more due to the stress of your job and alsp running the household.

I'm. Shocked that he doesn't contribute to the household at all and expects his debts to be added onto a mortgage that he doesn't pay for. He seems so lazy and self entilited. I think you need to stop doing the house work that he can do. 

Will he contribute to your children who go to university. He needs to understand life is about sacrificing sometimes for the benefit of yourself and other people.

You basically run the house yourself and also the finances on one wage. Surely he gets that he needs to contribute. Cn you take all the credit cards off him maybe sit him down and write down what each person pays to the house. Maybe if he sees it visual he can see there's an issue. 

vickthestick

Sncjw said:

Im reading this and I am so shocked at this man.


Will he contribute to your children who go to university. He needs to understand life is about sacrificing sometimes for the benefit of yourself and other people.

You basically run the house yourself and also the finances on one wage. Surely he gets that he needs to contribute. Cn you take all the credit cards off him maybe sit him down and write down what each person pays to the house. Maybe if he sees it visual he can see there's an issue. 

I have already discussed and arranged student finances and bank accounts with the uni student and extra financial support is now budgeted for. She's also working over the summer and saving that money as she goes and she will get a job when she gets to uni. I have bought her a Budgetting book - the same one I use - and have discussed with her how it works and how to budget. She is financially savvy having done finances as part of her Duke of Edinburgh's Award and will be absolutely fine. My husband has no intention of providing anything for her and it wasn't even discussed - he is just assuming that I have it sorted. 
I have in the past written down all the bills for the house and the children etc. but he doesn't want to know and either ignores or argues; not worth it. By the time he has paid his credit card minimum payments, I'm not sure how much he has left to actually contribute. I have started trying to make an up to date list of that.  

vickthestick

Sncjw said:

I think you need to stop doing the house work that he can do. 

I've tried that. Doesn't change anything.