I am trying really hard and my husband... just isn't.

vickthestick

There is £43,385 left to pay on the mortgage, over 5 years and 5 months. It's fixed till May 2022. 
As suggested, I have switched the credit card payments that I was making to his own bank account, so not paying for any of his debt. 
Will try to find a financial advisor this week coming (between the new term classes!)
Will also check what my teacher pension looks like - I do have a very old private pension that I took out when I worked before I was a teacher, so will try and track that down as well. 
Anything else?

enthusiasticsaver

Can you separate the finances so you don’t hold a joint account? Obviously you will still have the mortgage so will be linked but I fail to see why he should be named on a joint account he doesnt pay into. You don’t really need a financial advisor to find out your pension. The teachers pension scheme will do an annual statement online now and you can get forecasts from the pension administrator. What you do need is legal advice on how you stand if you split re sharing of assets and your pension will come into the mix then but so will the house. This unfortunately is the financial headache of divorce after a long marriage. My sister and brother in law went through it a few years ago after 29 years of marriage. He was the higher earner and had to give her a third of his pension. She got two thirds of the house value. No mortgage by then. 

The main thing to remember is don’t take on any of his debts. No loans, credit cards or adding to mortgage. Suggest he contacts stepchange if he is struggling. 

vickthestick

I have suggested that he needs to speak to someone about his debts but he just keeps coming back to putting it on the mortgage and then everything will be fine and we need to do that now and we can't wait because he's about to run out of money. 😳

kimwp

I think if you need to keep a record of the family finances, the contributions he makes and the conversations you have, otherwise you may lose out financially even more than you already have during the divorce. At the moment, he has half the house which he appears to have made no contribution to, additionally he will get part of your pension (assuming a 50-50 split as you will have no dependants at that point), so you may need to sell the house to release that lump sum. I think you would be better off consulting a lawyer rather than a financial advisor and citing lack of financial contribution in addition to everything else on your divorce papers.

Jami74

Is it worth you contacting Step Change yourself and asking for advice? They must have come across situations like this before.

If it was me I would want to know;
a) how much his debts are your problem. I expect if you had a spare £20k+ laying around you'd probably pay the debts, save the interest and fees and be in a position to help him manage his spending a bit better. But it sounds like you are worrying about how to pay the mortgage and bills and everything else on your income, so you need to find out how much his debts are your responsibility and how far you are expected to bend over backwards to continue supporting the lifestyle he is accustomed. 
b) what you need to do, if he is unwilling to work as a partnership with you, to protect yourself, your kids and your home. My fear was having to still be working full time at 70 to pay the rent while he stayed home drinking beer and watching sport, there must be a similar scenario in your head that what you want to avoid.

Sometimes partners need it doing for them. Maybe Step Change would suggest some options that you could present to him which he'd consider.

Golightly72

I’m so sorry you are in this situation, it must be so hard taking on the financial burden of everything while he just doesn’t pull his weight, and I would be so resentful.

As others have suggested, it would be best to separate your finances as much as possible, and contact your mortgage company to make it clear you do not give permission to add anything to your loan, in case he tries to do it without your knowledge.

Let him know you will not be adding to the mortgage (why should you when you are the one who pays it, essentially paying his debts for him, leaving him free with his ‘fun’ money!). When he starts to complain about his debts again, give him step changes number and suggest he does a DMP in his name only. Then tell him you are leaving him to it, it’s up to him to sort out the debts he has racked up.

I imagine, as he has few outgoings, they will expect a good chunk of his income to go towards the debts, but that’s a good thing, and it sounds like it won’t impact you much, if at all? He also won’t have access to any more credit, which should give you some peace of mind too. Maybe he will be willing to sell some things around the house once he has access to very little money?

Good luck with it!

Mojisola

vickthestick said:

I have suggested that he needs to speak to someone about his debts but he just keeps coming back to putting it on the mortgage and then everything will be fine. 

It will be fine for him because you pay the mortgage and he will then to be free to start running up more debts. 
Let him run out of money, hit that brick wall and have to face up to the realities of life - which you've been protecting him from up til now. 

Golightly72

Mojisola said:

vickthestick said:

I have suggested that he needs to speak to someone about his debts but he just keeps coming back to putting it on the mortgage and then everything will be fine. 

It will be fine for him because you pay the mortgage and he will then to be free to start running up more debts. 
Let him run out of money, hit that brick wall and have to face up to the realities of life - which you've been protecting him from up til now. 

Yes, and then the debt that is currently his debt will become a joint secured debt - he will probably promise to contribute some of his income to it, then after a while will not be able to because he is overspending (as is currently happening with the food he is supposed to be buying), leaving you to the foot the bill.

Only this time you will have to pay, because if you don’t you will lose your house. So please, please don’t let him put the debt on the mortgage and make it your problem - as it stands currently it’s his debt, and he needs to face up to it, and you need to step back from it.

Drawingaline

This is his debt racked up by spending on himself, yes? In which case I wouldn't be doing anything to help him sort it. Everytime he moans I would shut him down with, You need to sort this, here is the number of a debt help charity, I cannot discuss this with you as I am too busy paying for everything else. And just keep repeating it.

I also wouldn't tolerate a house full of his stuff and would start making him limit the areas it is in. He can keep all the stuff but it needs to all be in the garage/shed/hobby room etc. I had to do this with my husband, otherwise his collectables would be everywhere and it's my house too. 

One discussion on why the debts won't be added to the mortgage and that's it. Just no. End of. 

And maybe time to evaluate how you feel about continuing in this relationship. Do you still love him and want to carry on? Is it worth the work and possible counseling? So you want to give that a go?

If not then it is time to look at what you want from the future. Stick it out now to leave in the future or start the processes now to separate and start building a new life.

And remember any debt in his name is his. Not yours. Not joint. And if he has behaved as you have said then it is for him to deal with. If he has a proper light bulb moment and tackles this, then you can re-evaluate your stance on helping etc. 

Good luck, I think you have some big decisions coming up.

vickthestick

Thanks for everyone's kind words and helpful suggestions. Even just talking about it is a weight off.
I have checked with StepChange and they are happy to speak to my husband about his debt issue but they don't give help and advice to the spouse who isn't in debt. Have also printed off the forms to change the joint account to a sole account - not looking forward to that conversation. And I am working my way through all the credit card bills to work out exactly how much is owed.