I am trying really hard and my husband... just isn't.

vickthestick

Have applied for an individual bank account and awaiting outcome. Will then start to transfer everything to that account so that I have separate finances apart from the mortgage.

Sea_Shell

At least he doesn't seem to be "controlling" and that he seems happy to defer all management of household spending to you.  This has its benefits.

At least you can get on with making your exit plan, without having to cover it up.

Some posters have OHs that monitor their every spend, and have a very tight grip on the pursestrings!

Teapot55

Hi again. One of the beauties of MSE is its anonymity, so my suggestion of seeking advice  from your union may not suit. Possibly via their national website though? 

Mojisola

Sea_Shell said:

At least he doesn't seem to be "controlling" and that he seems happy to defer all management of household spending to you.  This has its benefits.

At least you can get on with making your exit plan, without having to cover it up.

Some posters have OHs that monitor their every spend, and have a very tight grip on the pursestrings!

He is controlling but in a passive way - vick wouldn't be paying all the bills, doing the housework, much of the childcare, working full-time, etc, as well as taking on all his debts if he didn't make life in the household horrible in order to get his own way.

VeganLois

Reading your thread, bought to mind something my barrister said during my divorce.  Whilst my husband was not in debt, he was, as the judge described him, a ‘financial manipulator’.  The barrister said to me ‘ What is a decent woman like you doing with a man like him?  He is clearly draining you on every level’.  Your husband sounds like he is draining you also.....probably more than you realise atm.

I am the same age as yourself.  I cannot help but think that in 8 years, and approaching 60, that the landscape will look very different.  You have clearly now stepped onto the path of self-empowerment.  You deserve so much more than he will ever give you.  Something has triggered you to share your story, and I hope you will find comfort in the obvious support moving forward 😊

GSDMum

Maybe you need to build a 'case' as evidence that you are the one financially holding the home together, as opposed to him selfishly spending his money on himself - write it with the view that it may be used by a court.

Had a friend who proved his wife spent a large £lump of voluntary redundancy on herself before settling down to being a 'kept woman' - it appeared to make a difference in the divorce settlement. Another friend secretly put a lien on her house (she wasn't on the deeds as it was inherited by the husband) so he couldn't sell it under her despite 20 years of marriage and 4 children. Perhaps you should think about putting some form of 'reverse lien' on your home so he can't find a 'fiddle'? 

Maybe write a dated letter 'to whom it concerns' and lodge it with your solicitor about your fears that in the future your husband's debts could impact your financial future - it could be used later in evidence

Start keeping your receipts (and his if possible), and make friends with a good divorce lawyer. Good luck

Sea_Shell

Mojisola said:

Sea_Shell said:

At least he doesn't seem to be "controlling" and that he seems happy to defer all management of household spending to you.  This has its benefits.

At least you can get on with making your exit plan, without having to cover it up.

Some posters have OHs that monitor their every spend, and have a very tight grip on the pursestrings!

He is controlling but in a passive way - vick wouldn't be paying all the bills, doing the housework, much of the childcare, working full-time, etc, as well as taking on all his debts if he didn't make life in the household horrible in order to get his own way.

I realise that, but it could actually be much worse for her, if he was constantly demanding sight of all statements, bills, paperwork etc. 

Mojisola

As he is a joint owner of the property, it would be worth registering for a property alert with the Land Registry.

https://propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk/

vickthestick

Teapot55 said:

Hi again. One of the beauties of MSE is its anonymity, so my suggestion of seeking advice  from your union may not suit. Possibly via their national website though? 

Thanks for coming back. I am actually the union rep so it was spot on advice, I just hadn't thought about it as being relevant for things not to do with work.  It was a good call. Already investigating.  

Purplelady65

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Your OH appears to contribute very little financially, physically or emotionally to you and the household. It just seems as if he has abdicated responsibility for everything to you. Are you able to manage all the bills yourself and is there any money left over for yourself at the end of the month or for any savings? If he wasn’t living there would you be able to manage all the bills? From what you’ve said his financial contribution is very minimal anyway.