I am trying really hard and my husband... just isn't.

MalMonroe

vickthestick said:

comeandgo said:

Wow, lucky man.

If only he saw it like that. 😳

He's not lucky at all. He's downright miserable.

kimwp

kazwookie said:

It sound to me you are in a single relationship with yourself, as is he, you have nothing (except the children) in common, and he offers no support what so ever.

Which leads me to why are you still with him?

I agree 100% with this. When I saw the title of the thread, I thought perhaps you had debt as a couple that you were trying to tackle together but he wasn't trying as hard. Instead you appear to have a seventh child with his own income and own debt that you are trying to help pay off while he financially contributes very little. 

Finances aren't everything, but it might be time to consider what he is adding to your lives and whether you want to be modelling this relationship for your children.

tacpot12

My question about how the house was owned related to the surviorship clause you may have in your deeds, in the hope that this might make it possible that you would not have to deal with his debts if he happened to pre-decease you, but I now understand that his estate will remain liable for his debts regardless of how the house is owned.  

You could try to talk to him about the fact that if he doesn't clear his debts before he dies, you might be forced to sell the house to pay these debts off. He may not realise this. I do appreciate that your ability to discuss things with him is very limited as he is happy for it to degenerate into arguement, which never resolves the issue.  

I would encourage you to get some relationship counselling. I doubt he would want to do so, so go on your own. My experience is that it will help you get some perspective on how you feel and what you want to do.

sammyjammy

MalMonroe said:

vickthestick said:

comeandgo said:

Wow, lucky man.

If only he saw it like that. 😳

He's not lucky at all. He's downright miserable.

Thats a big jump from what the OP says, he just sounds like a selfish man who wants his cake and to eat it from what I'm reading!

Jami74

vickthestick said:

Options? Suggestions? Pointers in the right direction? All gratefully received. 

I don't have any options, suggestions or pointers but I wanted to offer support. I was in a similar position and being told to sit him down and make him understand, or go to counselling, or make him see a GP isn't helpful. Splitting up also isn't a sensible option, I could not afford to raise the kids and pay all the bills without him and he couldn't afford to rent a place on his own, nor would he have left if I asked him to. Mine never thought there was a problem, he accused me of worrying too much and told me to spend less or earn more if I wasn't happy.

We don't have a mortgage but rent. For a long while enough money went in to cover everything that went out and we were happy. And then it didn't and we slipped into debt. He works part time and looks after the kids while I work full time. I tried to manage it by going without but he made no changes and I got resentful when my sacrifices were making no difference. Slowly over time I separated our finances. We both got personal accounts which our own wages go into and we both contribute a set amount each month into the joint account to cover rent, bills etc. I also pay for the food, kids expenses and things like Christmas/birthday presents. I got a loan to pay the overdraft on the joint account and then worked overtime to overpay the loan which is now long gone. At the time I also opened a savings account and started putting a little bit into it for a safety buffer, I wanted some safe money in case I needed or wanted to leave. While he has no interest in our joint finances beyond putting his share in when he gets paid, he is managing his money okay. It irritates me slightly that he is not putting some aside for retirement and would rather spend it now but that is his choice. I earn a lot more and contribute a lot more, I spend very little on myself but am planning for my retirement and there will likely come a time down the line where we won't live together anymore and I won't be supplementing him financially (once the kids are fully independent and we don't need to rent a family sized home).

@vickthestick Personally, I would be reluctant to take any more of his debt, you'd be better off putting money aside for emergencies/yourself/the mortgage. Do you know how much his payments/overdraft fees are each month? Could you ask him to contribute half of whats left after he's paid them? On an income of £1000 a month and £20000 credit card debt he's not going to be paying it off anytime soon unless he really wants to. I don't suppose you could get into a position to buy his share of the house?

vickthestick

That's really helpful @Jami74 thank you. It sounds like a very similar situation: the kids know that things aren't always great and more or less expect that when the wee man leaves school in 8 years that I will also be going.  They know I hate the house the way it is, full of stuff that isn't used and which just fills the space to make the house largely unusable too. And they have known for a very long time that things aren't great relationship wise either. I don't earn enough to be able to save enough to buy him out without getting another mortgage for that and he wouldn't move out anyway because then he would have to get rid/move his stuff.  I will try to work out how much his payments and fees are and see what's left but he objects to using his 'retirement money' for anything other than on himself or 'treats'. 

enthusiasticsaver

He sounds very selfish and yes I can see that splitting from him could be problematic given you have dependent children still. I don’t see why he thinks he should not have to use his pension for bills and this is grossly unfair. I would not be paying any of his debts. His credit cards are unsecured so there is no risk to your home. Ruining his credit record may be a good thing as this will force him to deal with it. Build yourself a nest egg so you can cover the mortgage and essential bills and any spare money you have put into your pension. For goodness sake do not add the debt to your mortgage, stop paying his cards and make him sort it out. 

Jami74

vickthestick said:

the kids know that things aren't always great and more or less expect that when the wee man leaves school in 8 years that I will also be going.  They know I hate the house the way it is, full of stuff that isn't used and which just fills the space 

Yes, yes, yes. Totally relate to all of that.

I have found that budgeting, planning, saving and investing has helped me feel in control and optimistic about the future and I am no longer resentful about the present or the past. And of course, I am educating my kids about money and the importance of keeping their financial independence.

comeandgo

If you are looking at possibly a future without him I suggest you talk to a financial adviser to see how you can future proof yourself.  As a teacher I imagine you have a healthy work pension gaining value, your husband has not as his is paying out.  If you were to separate your pension value would be included in your assets to split.

vickthestick

comeandgo said:

If you are looking at possibly a future without him I suggest you talk to a financial adviser to see how you can future proof yourself.  As a teacher I imagine you have a healthy work pension gaining value, your husband has not as his is paying out.  If you were to separate your pension value would be included in your assets to split.

Thank you. I hadn't thought about that. Yes I have been paying extra into my teacher pension as my retirement age went up so I could still retire before I'm too stressed and not have to wait till 67/68.  Will try find a financial advisor.