I am trying really hard and my husband... just isn't.

comeandgo

Wow, lucky man.

vickthestick

comeandgo said:

Wow, lucky man.

If only he saw it like that. 😳

Sea_Shell

Unfortunately, he doesn't sound like a team player.   Not sure he'll change TBH.

You are married, you are one household. 

All this "mine is mine" is all very well when there's plenty to go round on both sides.

kimwp

vickthestick said:

I pay all the bills mortgage included from a joint account that he doesn't have the card to and he doesn't pay into - just my wages goes in, I also pay gas/elec, council tax, TV licence, etc plus my car bills and insurance etc plus extras like the kids clothes and pocket money plus school trips. He is supposed to pay for the food but I often end up paying lots of that as well.  I don't know how we own the house. Will that be on the deeds? We are in Scotland if that makes any difference? I shall check. How does that help? And thank you, it's an enormous help to just talk about it. 

I am really quite shocked at this - he has an income yet contributes almost nothing to the family expenses?

Mojisola

What redeeming qualities does he have for you to have spent over 20 years with this spend-thrift partner?

vickthestick

Mojisola said:

What redeeming qualities does he have for you to have spent over 20 years with this spend-thrift partner?

That's for a different conversation over several gins... 

vickthestick

kimwp said:

vickthestick said:

I pay all the bills mortgage included from a joint account that he doesn't have the card to and he doesn't pay into - just my wages goes in, I also pay gas/elec, council tax, TV licence, etc plus my car bills and insurance etc plus extras like the kids clothes and pocket money plus school trips. He is supposed to pay for the food but I often end up paying lots of that as well.  I don't know how we own the house. Will that be on the deeds? We are in Scotland if that makes any difference? I shall check. How does that help? And thank you, it's an enormous help to just talk about it. 

I am really quite shocked at this - he has an income yet contributes almost nothing to the family expenses?

Yes that's pretty much it. If I am stuck to pay the annual house insurance he will put it on a credit card but that's basically it. And obviously I try to avoid that because it's simply adding to the problem.

kazwookie

Have you sat and talked over these things with him? ie who pays what bill etc.

It sound to me you are in a single relationship with yourself, as is he, you have nothing (except the children) in common, and he offers no support what so ever.

Which leads me to why are you still with him?

I wish you the best.

vickthestick

Attempts at conversation quickly descend into argument. So I don't do that any more. 

MalMonroe

vickthestick said:

Attempts at conversation quickly descend into argument. So I don't do that any more. 

That's a great avoidance tactic by your husband - he knows that you won't even attempt to talk to him because you want to avoid an argument so he's free to just carry on as 'normal' while you leave him alone.

He obviously needs help. He does sound very depressed to me and the first thing I'd suggest is asking him to go and see his GP. 

Living separate lives, with you resenting him all the time is surely not good for either of you or any of your children. He knows you will carry on because you moan and complain but you still seem to do and pay for everything. In fact, your post reads as if you are a parent and he is your unruly child. Nowhere is there any mention of you loving each other. 

You DO need to sit down and talk - maybe with a mediator or marriage counsellor or someone else such as the GP. Whether it descends into an argument or not. 

There is also free help with debt out there. Your husband could try contacting one of the free debt help agencies, I used StepChange, a non-judgemental debt help agency who helped me to get out of debt but I think it's a real shame that you feel it's solely his problem, when you are a married couple. He's obviously got a lot of worries and a lot of problems that he is unable to share or solve on his own. And he is on his own, in spite of living in a household of seven.

Stepchange link :    https://www.stepchange.org/

Failing all that, you could both write down everything you do and pay for. Then sit down as reasonable adults and calmly discuss what changes need to be made. You have children who rely on you to care for and guide them, this haphazard kind of lifestyle is no example for them. It would be great if you and your husband could get organised but first you need to actually speak. Without arguing though because that's your husband's get out card and solves nothing.