The Best View Comes After the Hardest Climb.

Buffythedebtslayer

the_end_of_the_rainbow said:

@Buffythedebtslayer - how big are your dogs?  We used to have a cocker spaniel & he would use the cat flap to access the garden whenever he needed to go out - would a cat /dog flap be an option for you?

We have two back doors so the cost would be prohibitive I think. I wish we could as the dogs are getting a terrible deal at the moment, mum doesn't always remember to let them out and refuses to get a dog walker. I feel such immense guilt about them. Stuck in a hot house all day, rarely getting walked, scared of the dark and other dogs. Now it is lighter I can walk them without causing too much stress. 

and eventually in the summer hopefully the doors will be open more. 

Scottiedog_3

@Buffythedebtslayer I think you need to have a really sharp session with your mother about her treatment of the dogs. That is cruelty to animals- pure and simple. I pay £50  per week to have my dog walked twice daily, five days a week. If she can't or won't pay that, she should give up the dogs.  It's that simple. You have the ability to take them to Wood Green or wherever and have them re-homed or put to sleep. She is obviously not compos mentis. Sorry to sound so cruel, but the animals AND you are suffering. Your mother is just sailing on regardless. Have you put it to her that her behaviour is making her having to go into a home almost inevitable? Social Services will inevitably catch up with the situation and you will be blamed. Your health is obviously suffering really badly. You need to bring about the changes. A stairlift is going to change very little.

Willowtree222

Just watching the bits about Poland. It brings back faith that there is a world worth living in. Awful what is happening but also do much compassion. It shouldn’t have to be there as it should never have happened.

sorry about your situation Buffy. I wish there was an easy solution but there just isn’t. It’s not fair on you or the animals though x

Buffythedebtslayer

Mum isn't sailing on regardless, she is a great deal of pain almost constantly. I appreciate you think  tough love or a "sharp session" is the way forward but she feels guilt and frustration about every aspect of her life and sees herself as a burden, regularly saying she would be better off dead. I am not scaring her further she is frightened enough already. Social services have "caught up"  with her, at my request,  hence the stair lift and the other aids she is getting and I won't be blamed as I am doing everything I can, I am the contact for the doctors and them, I keep the house clean and her fed and her clothes clean. There are issues and she will almost certainly end up in a home as will we all, but until then I will continue to look after her. 
I know your words come from a good place and this is a public forum, but I disagree. 

badmemory

You are doing a wonderful job but need to think about the old thing about first put your own mask on.  This is back in the day when a mask was an oxygen mask on an aeroplane.  I know you won't want to do it but you need to reduce your responsibilities, the sooner the better.  Please don't leave it until it lands up with the proverbial hitting the fan.  How many pets are you actually looking after now?  Mixed with caring responsibilities it's a disaster waiting to happen.

Buffythedebtslayer

thanks Willow and Badmemory, I am off out to get bread and hay (the essentials) 

Have a good day everyone XXXX 

stymied

What time can the dogs have their last wee and be comfortable until the morning?

Buffythedebtslayer

stymied said:

What time can the dogs have their last wee and be comfortable until the morning?

I think they can last from about 10.30 till 6.30 but I am not sure how good that is for them? 8 hours.... seems long!  Normally it is 12 till 6.30 I guess it isn't that different? I don't know. 

warby68

Is mum really not receptive to retiring upstairs earlier - can't she watch TV in her room? 

It surprises me that if she does feel guilt, she imposes her timetable on you knowing that you have to work and will not get enough sleep.

At the very least I would go to bed myself to switch off even if it meant getting up again for a quick last wee for the dogs.

Easier to close locks for the doors should be possible for mum too.

Does she have the dosette boxes from the pharmacy - these are very easy to use even with limited mobility - a thin film to push through for each dose. My mum needed them primarily because of poor vision but her arthritis was a problem too.

It seems like you are just too stretched and stressed (and unwell) to tackle these individual problems. The thing is , and I know as sole carer (only child) for my mum and still working, noone will ever do it for you, you have to make the improvements and coping strategies yourself. My mum is difficult and stubborn in some ways but its usually things she insists on doing herself and that don't involve me even if I don't like them - she really tries to minimise the impact of things on me. Even so sometimes I have to override her and just do something for the sake of safety and self-preservation. We fell out hugely over her accessible wet room. She wanted it upstairs . I wanted it downstairs with an eye on the future (there was an unused shower room downstairs) and it being a smaller, warmer room. I won but mainly as social services agreed. She eventually conceded (after 2 years !!) it was the right call. Its a thankless job a lot of the time being the carer - mum gets furious when doctors etc defer to me but at the same time cannot keep up herself. Hard to win.

I'm sorry if it feels critical or harsh. I really do not doubt you are doing your best but I learnt the hard way too that something has to give and clearly you aren't well and have been battling on all fronts with no solutions for some time. In the cold light of day there are too many pets for a full time carer also in full time employment. If buying in help is the only answer rather than substantial changes in your responsibilities so be it, even if mum protests.

Comments made from a very good place - your physical health is telling you something. I hope you can get a few things changed before much longer

Honeysucklelou2

Buffythedebtslayer said:

stymied said:

What time can the dogs have their last wee and be comfortable until the morning?

I think they can last from about 10.30 till 6.30 but I am not sure how good that is for them? 8 hours.... seems long!  Normally it is 12 till 6.30 I guess it isn't that different? I don't know. 

In my experience of having dogs, going from 10.30 to 6.30 is doable depending on the age and stage of the dog. My younger dog is fine within those times but my older dog is not and I regularly get up in the night to let him out. The older dog will let me know when he wants to go out by a couple of yaps or if that doesn’t get me up, snuffling  round where he thinks my head is!  What age are your dogs? Will they let you know when they want to go out?

Caring is incredibly challenging at the best of times...I only covered respite times for my parents when they cared for my grandmother and I found that hard enough to combine with work. Thinking of you and really hoping that work is less stressful for you this week.