Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my husband to contribute more to our joint account? 22 June 2021 at 3:35PM in Marriage, relationships & families 55 replies 37.8K views

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My husband and I keep separate bank accounts, but we each pay the same amount every month into a joint account to cover bills. We usually share childcare time equally, but recently he's had to work a lot of overtime, meaning I've had to juggle my job with caring for our five-year-old. I feel like we're both doing overtime, but he's the only one getting paid for it - so should I ask him to now pay more?

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NBLondon

Did he actively choose to work overtime or was it a case of "take it or it will never be offered again"?

Did you talk about the impact on childcare?  Before the overtime or again when you found it more onerous?

Is it an ongoing situation or for a limited period?

Raise those specific issues rather than asking about "putting more into the joint account" - for all you know he may be putting the excess aside with the intention of spending it on you as a thank you for that extra childcare...  or on the child...

mdcollins1984

Should you even need to ask?

Pottymum

I think it would be best to contribute to the common pot the same percentage of salary, rather than a fixed amount,  including any overtime money, but you need to have a calm and considered conversation with him about your extra efforts, and how you feel and why.  You might be surprised that he's never really thought about it, and see your point. 

Erica51

My husband gave up paid employment to look after our children, and me, and the house, garden, take my mother to the dentist etc.  Most of our money was in our joint names.  Our savings were in his for tax reasons.  I had a very straightforward job to earn enough for the four of us.  If I worked late and couldn't contribute to childcare because they were in bed when I got home Howard shared any extra I earned.  I was eternally grateful that I could pursue my career without worrying that my children weren't properly cared for.  He reckoned being at home and responsible for everything was better than commuting into London. Perhaps we were lucky but we both felt we had a very good deal.

Matt8888

I know things change in society, but I was brought up to be used to the idea that in marriage all is shared; what belongs to one belongs to the other, totally unconditionally. I don't understand how people can be truly married, having taken those oaths, and separate their finances. I just don't get it. But I know it is probably becoming quite normal. I think it's sad. 

SASSENACH98

if he was a thoughtful, caring husband he would do so without having to be asked.  

Emily55

I think it might be worth looking at why there is so much resentment towards the husband for working overtime. Is it him having more money? Is it you not wanting to be ‘burdened’ with childcare? Are you overspending in your account? Does he have more money in his account than yours? Are you jealous? 

If my husband was thinking this about me I would be really disappointed. 

toniloves

I had to comment on this because of the people saying that the OP is rejecting their children, looking at them as a burden or should give them up  - which is blatantly ridiculous. This person wants an equal relationship, not to give up their children.

If you are struggling, communication is key. Talk to your husband about how you're feeling and suggest a way where you can both feel equal. 
My personal outlook on this type of situation, to keep an equal relationship without unbalance is putting all finances together, and to take out an equal amount of personal, or 'spending' money each month. This way you will feel like equal contributors, no matter who earns the most. 
When it comes to childcare, if one person has to take the brunt of childcare temporarily, then the finances won't even matter. 
If you are unable to come to a financial solution then further communication is needed to come into place, where perhaps you get the chance to take a week off (go to a spa weekend maybe) to get away with friends or have time alone, so you can have 'downtime' after taking a higher level of responsibility for a period of time... 
I hope my opinion helps your dilemma. 

Hil277

Have your bills increased? If not, then there’s no need for your husband to increase his contributions. 
Bringing up a family will always involve compromise and flexibility by both parents. This time the extra childcare is your responsibility, next time it may be his. The same would apply if one of you was unwell.

Marcon

Have you considered discussing the matter with him, rather than opting for a straw poll based on a random bunch of strangers' responses?