Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my husband to contribute more to our joint account?

april89

After some of the hugely unkind and judgemental comments I felt compelled to reply.

Bringing up children, whilst often lovely, *is* a form of work. As is running and maintaining the home. Both are so often overlooked and hugely undervalued.

Sacrifices must be made to manage the above alongside working and it is not wrong that the sacrifices should be shared or accounted for. It is great that some people are able to stay happy spending every waking minute in the home and with their children but it is not for anyone to feel guilty if this is not them or the decision to have children was based on factors which may have changed. Children can be exhausting and and you cannot leave the stress behind at 'home time'. This does not make you a bad parent or partner in any way at all!  

With regards to the original question, you need to talk to your OH. My opinion is that it should be shared as you have contributed time and energy to enable this money to be earnt. However, finances are such a personal thing between couples what works for me may not work for you. In my household our earnings are already shared.

Pollycat

DontBringBertie said:

For the people who say "put all your money in a joint account and share it", I think that's OK if you both have vaguely similar incomes or have children.

But for a recently married couple without children say:

Partner A earning £100k a year and Partner B earning £25k.

Would it then be OK for Partner B to use the joint account money to go a £10k round the world holiday without Partner A? After all apparently it's all 'shared money'.

You've asked this before on another thread.

My answer is the same:

Pollycat said:

I can't speak for your relationship (just as you can't speak for mine) but my husband would never be so inconsiderate as to book a holiday for £10k on a holiday with friends without discussing it with me first. Regardless of how much he or I earn.

If that's the sort of relationship someone has, I can see why they might want separate accounts.

akbrooker

Matt8888 said:

I know things change in society, but I was brought up to be used to the idea that in marriage all is shared; what belongs to one belongs to the other, totally unconditionally. I don't understand how people can be truly married, having taken those oaths, and separate their finances. I just don't get it. But I know it is probably becoming quite normal. I think it's sad. 

It's not that long since married women weren't allowed to own propery - everything belonged to and was controlled by the husband.  Even when that was no longer the case, the husband typially earned and controlled all the household income. My mother never knew what my father earned...

JamoLew

I don't think some of the comments are either unkind or judgmental - they are based on individual perspectives and opinion

You are 100% correct in saying that what works for one household, doesn't for another

As long as both parties are happy with the arrangement - then it really doesn't matter what they do as long as it works for them

Communication is key to avoid dispute and/or resentment from either party

akbrooker

Pottymum said:

I think it would be best to contribute to the common pot the same percentage of salary, rather than a fixed amount,  including any overtime money, but you need to have a calm and considered conversation with him about your extra efforts, and how you feel and why.  You might be surprised that he's never really thought about it, and see your point. 

Agree entirely about common percentage contribution - a fixed amount will almost certianly leave more in the pocket of one partner and less in the other. And if I were him, I would very likely not have thought about the overtime issue and my fixed contribution...

Workingmum21

Definitely talk to him about it. 

In general, if finances are not shared, a contribution to the finances in proportion to what you earn seems fair - especially if you have children together. 

On your specific situation, you are both putting in a lot of extra time, but he's getting paid for his time, and you're not - and because you don't share your finances, that means you are left personally worse off than him, not just in terms of what you have to spend, but what you may have to save, and contribute to your pension.

I would also think about whether you're happy with the position you're in... in terms of doing more of the childcare. If you're happy, great. But it's worth noting that if he's putting the time into his job, that's potentially an investment in his career... and while he's putting in the hours, you don't have the opportunity to make the same investment in yours - which could increase the disparity between you further down the road. That's not necessarily an issue for you - many women want to make that choice, but its better and healthier for the relationship if it's acknowledged that the woman is contributing that in the relationship, so it can be made fair on the financial side. It can help to actually tally up what you stand to lose financially by taking this step back over the course of, say, five years (effectively a loss of actual earnings and potential earnings equation i.e. if you are not going for jobs/promotions that you would otherwise be chasing), so it's crystal clear to both of you what this mutual decision is costing YOU in actual $$. 

It may take a few conversations for him to see your point of view, particularly if he feels the extra work is a burden. 

Due to childcare issues, women are often left at a structural disadvantage in a household where finances are not shared. Hopefully he will see your point of view, and you can find a way to make it fair. 

Good luck. I hope the conversation goes really well. 

74jax

Can someone explain the 'moral' side to me please....

Most moral dilemmas are daft but you can see the moral aspect.... But I'm lost on this one.

I can't see the moral violation. If it was a normal post, then fine. But it's a moral post.... 🤔 🤷‍♂️ 

Mojisola

akbrooker said:

Matt8888 said:

I know things change in society, but I was brought up to be used to the idea that in marriage all is shared; what belongs to one belongs to the other, totally unconditionally. I don't understand how people can be truly married, having taken those oaths, and separate their finances. I just don't get it. But I know it is probably becoming quite normal. I think it's sad. 

It's not that long since married women weren't allowed to own propery - everything belonged to and was controlled by the husband.  Even when that was no longer the case, the husband typially earned and controlled all the household income. My mother never knew what my father earned...

It varied with families.  On both Mum and Dad's sides, the women were mostly the financial managers of the family. 

We've always had joint accounts since we became a couple but we do have a similar attitude to spending which helps a lot.  As Pollycat said above, we always discuss any spending above and beyond the normal outgoings.

Vickyd987

Yes you absolutely should ask that he adds it to the joint account. Working hard with little ones is not much fun and any extra money should go towards a nice holiday, special treat for you all, or a home improvement.   People should be transparent and open about earnings and finances and you are right to request that any benefit goes in to the 'pot'.  

Nikkilou86

We’ve always had the same amount of personal money left so if one of us has earned more they’ve put more into joint pot than the lower earner. I’m now a stay at home mum but we still have same amount of personal money per month to do as we please with - this is on hubby’s insistence not mine as he doesn’t generally have to worry about housework/washing/ironing/food shopping/childcare etc. while he’s working although we do share the cooking as he’s much better at it than me!!! 

I can’t understand people who are always tooing and frowing over whose money is whose/whose paid most/whose turn it is to pay - the amount of times we’ve been out with friends and they’ve spend ten mins debating whose turn it is to pay the bill - hubby always ‘pays’ as I don’t very often bother taking my purse when we are together as I tend to loose things 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ but it’s coming out of a joint pot so doesn’t matter whose bank card makes the actual transaction!!!