We really can't afford the house we want/need will things get better for us or just forget it?

mrsmortgage

Tiddleshalifax said:

I’m not sure what you mean by typical only child? I only have one daughter… she doesn’t dictate the house we live in - merely has the choice in decoration!! We are in the process of moving and aside from ensuring we were in an appropriate area, she has not had any choice over the home we have purchased. 

Sorry if I’m missing something here but I detect a child run dictatorship and I think you need to quash that. That should then make your decision much easier…
it’s also nice to have holidays but absolutely not essential. Myself and my husband had polar opposite childhoods - mine was very humble - I didn’t go abroad until I was 13 and even then it was with school! We just simply couldn’t - my parents worked hard to ensure that we had other experiences - and a good roof over our heads. If anything, it made me work hard as an adult to ensure that my child was provided for.,. She currently understands that as we are taking a financial hit to provide a larger home, she will have to sacrifice the foreign holidays - and as it’s all very exciting moving home - she won’t even bat an eyelid! 

I think this is form my POV while growing up. My house had a jacuzzi a sauna and god knows what else...  We also went on holidays pretty regularly. My house was also fairly big... later in life we moved to a smaller house and to me that was a lot better than having that vacuous mahoosive place.  Travelling from an early age made who I am, and would never change it.  The house on the other hand, couldn't have cared at all.  on the other hand, my step-children and husband are from much humbler backgrounds, they've never been on a plane or a holiday abroad for that matter, I still want to be able to give them that experience. I know our littlest one will have plenty of time once his older siblings have left the nest. 

mrsmortgage

gettingtheresometime said:

I'm not sure what you mean by that especially as Junior is an only child & whilst he definitely was able to have more than if he'd had siblings , if we couldn't afford something he wanted then he didn't have it.
Are you sure there isn't a little bit of trying to keep up with what her father can provide rather than being practical about the situation creeping in?

Not at all, her dad might have the bigger house, but he also has a mortgage that he struggles to pay, so he doesn't have that much disposable income. In comparison, now that i'm back on my feet, we can probably afford a better quality of life. 

pinkteapot

Has it been answered WHY OP can’t just sell the second house abroad? £300k would more than cover the extra needed for the move to the desired house, plus loads left over for lots of swanky holidays. 

mrsmortgage

pinkteapot said:

Has it been answered WHY OP can’t just sell the second house abroad? £300k would more than cover the extra needed for the move to the desired house, plus loads left over for lots of swanky holidays. 

It was an inheritance from my uncle and he clearly stipulated that that flat was so I could always have somewhere to  move back if I ever needed to, and it was not not to be part of a joint married pot.  I want to full fill my uncle's last wishes as best as I can, that's the least i can do. 

jennystarpepper

mrsmortgage said:

Well it didn't end well! I ended up telling her of how we all make sacrifices (me included as I hate where we love bit didn't have a choice as she loved here too!) 

And that argument was not about sharing but rather about not having her own room. 

I think your problems are mailny down to a parenting issue,  please do not think I am saying you are a bad parent, I think you are trying to keep everyone happy and are upset because you can't, and your house wants / needs are making things worse. 

If your daughter is angry about not having her own room then this is the issue to tackle.  If she has a room to herself at her dad's then this is better than nothing, your other children do not get this.  I think you said you shared care jointly with you ex, so half of the month she does have her own room.

I know you keep mentioning what you had as a child, maybe it is better to look forward than back, it is in the past, you can't afford XYZ which you had a child, your own anxiety about what you had cannot help the situation.

I shared a bedroom until my sibling got married and moved out.  I'd love a 4 or a 5 bed house... I can't have it, or get into massive debt trying to.  We adapt to make the best of things.... things do not happen quick enough sometimes, 'that's life'!

You need to resolve the issue with your daughter, she can't have everything she wants, again ... it will not help her in later life, she needs to make the best of what she has for now.   

mrsmortgage

jennystarpepper said:

I think your problems are mailny down to a parenting issue,  please do not think I am saying you are a bad parent, I think you are trying to keep everyone happy and are upset because you can't, and your house wants / needs are making things worse. 

If your daughter is angry about not having her own room then this is the issue to tackle.  If she has a room to herself at her dad's then this is better than nothing, your other children do not get this.  

I know you keep mentioning what you had as a child, maybe it is better to look forward than back, it is in the past, you can't afford XYZ which you had a child, your own anxiety about what you had cannot help the situation.

I shared a bedroom until my sibling got married and moved out.  I'd love a 4 or a 5 bed house... I can't have it, or get into massive debt trying to.  We adapt to make the best of things.... things do not happen quick enough sometimes, 'that's life'!

You need to resolve the issue with your daughter, she can't have everything she wants, again ... it will not help her in later life, she needs to make the best of what she has for now.   

For me it has extremely heart-breaking that my children will never experience the same type of life I had. I think if we were to find a house that OK maybe the girls would have a smaller room but then the other rooms work too, maybe I wouldn't be so frustrated? but all houses we've viewed all rooms are smaller and the extra room would struggle to fit a toddler bed. 

They wouldn't have an office/desk space that i need as I work from home and need big displays given my line of work.  Our current house gives me that too.... 

jennystarpepper

mrsmo

For me it has extremely heart-breaking that my children will never experience the same type of life I had. I think if we were to find a house that OK maybe the girls would have a smaller room but then the other rooms work too, maybe I wouldn't be so frustrated? but all houses we've viewed all rooms are smaller and the extra room would struggle to fit a toddler bed. 

They wouldn't have an office/desk space that i need as I work from home and need big displays given my line of work.  Our current house gives me that too.... 

i hear what you are saying, but you need to move on from what you had, is hard but your children have no concept of this... they will not miss what they have not had, so to speak.

As I said   'If your daughter is angry about not having her own room then this is the issue to tackle.  If she has a room to herself at her dad's then this is better than nothing, your other children do not get this.  I think you said you shared care jointly with you ex, so half of the month she does have her own room'.

Children will complain about needs and wants, it will not help her if she is arguing and causing conflict at home as you have said.

Adsta

Kids form their own path and experiences, not basically live the same life you did. 

Like has been mentioned it sounds like you had a fairly privileged life growing up. But the reality of it at the moment is you cannot have you cake and eat it too. Something has to give. If that breaks your heart because you can't give your kids that, I'm sorry but life lessons need to be learnt. Your daughter needs to be taught she can't always have it her own way, much like you can't at the moment with wanting a bigger house. 

gettingtheresometime

mrsmortgage said:

jennystarpepper said:

I think your problems are mailny down to a parenting issue,  please do not think I am saying you are a bad parent, I think you are trying to keep everyone happy and are upset because you can't, and your house wants / needs are making things worse. 

If your daughter is angry about not having her own room then this is the issue to tackle.  If she has a room to herself at her dad's then this is better than nothing, your other children do not get this.  

I know you keep mentioning what you had as a child, maybe it is better to look forward than back, it is in the past, you can't afford XYZ which you had a child, your own anxiety about what you had cannot help the situation.

I shared a bedroom until my sibling got married and moved out.  I'd love a 4 or a 5 bed house... I can't have it, or get into massive debt trying to.  We adapt to make the best of things.... things do not happen quick enough sometimes, 'that's life'!

You need to resolve the issue with your daughter, she can't have everything she wants, again ... it will not help her in later life, she needs to make the best of what she has for now.   

For me it has extremely heart-breaking that my children will never experience the same type of life I had. I think if we were to find a house that OK maybe the girls would have a smaller room but then the other rooms work too, maybe I wouldn't be so frustrated? but all houses we've viewed all rooms are smaller and the extra room would struggle to fit a toddler bed. 

They wouldn't have an office/desk space that i need as I work from home and need big displays given my line of work.  Our current house gives me that too.... 

For the love of all that is Holy!
Are your children loved? Are they kept warm, fed & clothed?
Surely that's all that matters - not whether they have a massive room to themselves or go on fantastic holidays.

mrsmortgage

gettingtheresometime said:

For me it has extremely heart-breaking that my children will never experience the same type of life I had. I think if we were to find a house that OK maybe the girls would have a smaller room but then the other rooms work too, maybe I wouldn't be so frustrated? but all houses we've viewed all rooms are smaller and the extra room would struggle to fit a toddler bed. 

They wouldn't have an office/desk space that i need as I work from home and need big displays given my line of work.  Our current house gives me that too.... 

For the love of all that is Holy!
Are your children loved? Are they kept warm, fed & clothed?
Surely that's all that matters - not whether they have a massive room to themselves or go on fantastic holidays.

Maybe it's a cultural thing BUT where I come from, if you can't give the same quality of life (and ideally improve it!0 you're seen as a big failure as a parent. 

We're also a blended family which doesn't make things any easier, my two will always go across the pond ever so often, something the other two won't. 

keeping parity in a blended family is VERY hard work.