Grown Up Son Finishing Uni

Spendless

MrsStepford said:

My parents made me pay rent when I was at college. They were well off and didn't need to do it. I had to pay for my course and support myself by industrial temping, for two years. I hated it. But afterwards, I was proud that I paid for my own course. I still think my parents were mean about rent. 

I've worked with people who were expected to pay 'keep' out of p-time earnings when they were sixth form age. I've never understood this either. At that age either parents are still in receipt of child related benefits or deemed too 'rich' to receive them anyway. I can see a potential issue if it's taken more than 3 years for child to complete post16 education and the entitlement to child benefit (think it ends at 20?) has ran out. Paying for your own 'spends' I understand, socialising, having 'better' toiletries than what's in the bathroom anyway etc 

My daughter starts a p-time job the day her college finishes. Am not taking anything. Hopefully she's saving some towards Uni in September. 

tooldle

I was buying some shopping for the family whilst in sixth form. My train ticket to get to college was bought as an annual ticket, to get the cheapest rate. With three season tickets commencing on the same date, funds very tight in that particular month. My folks were reasonably comfortable when they retired, but money was very tight for a considerable number of years as i grew up. No car, no holidays, no tv, no washing machine etc. We are all different. My mum had to pay keep and buy her brothers school uniforms at 16. This arrangement continued until she got married. 
Todays benefit system is considerably more generous and women are no longer fired for being pregnant and can have paid maternity leave. Life on one wage was not as rosy as people might think, and time to catch up the lost ground before enforced retirement was short. 

Spendless

tooldle said:

I was buying some shopping for the family whilst in sixth form. My train ticket to get to college was bought as an annual ticket, to get the cheapest rate. With three season tickets commencing on the same date, funds very tight in that particular month. My folks were reasonably comfortable when they retired, but money was very tight for a considerable number of years as i grew up. No car, no holidays, no tv, no washing machine etc. We are all different. My mum had to pay keep and buy her brothers school uniforms at 16. This arrangement continued until she got married. 
Todays benefit system is considerably more generous and women are no longer fired for being pregnant and can have paid maternity leave. Life on one wage was not as rosy as people might think, and time to catch up the lost ground before enforced retirement was short. 

Yes, I can imagine buying 3 season tickets at once was expensive. I know how much we've paid for daughter's on a 16-17 saver (so half price) . I'm also tempted to think of the words on this site though when they talk about Christmas. You know all year it's coming round so why try and pay the lot out of one month's wages, even if that's the month it's due.

Curiosity - what did your Mum think about buying her younger brothers school uniform? Either at the time or reflecting back? Do you mean the money she gave to her parents  was allocated for this purpose or she had to go and physically buy the uniform for her siblings? I know it's swings and roundabouts because if the money wasn't used for uniform it would be used for  something else, I'm just finding it a bit out of the ordinary thing to have done . To me that's like telling my kids any earnings I have from them will be used to purchase dog food. I'd still have to feed the dog if they left home - just like brothers uniforms continued after your Mum married if they were still at school.  

tooldle

@Spendless The season ticket thing comes out the blue for many reasons, house moves, change of educational setting outside area, change of job etc. Its certainly possible to plan for the following year. We are talking significant sums (South east of England commute). For most people these costs arise in more of a staggered fashion and a lot of employers in the area will offer season ticket loans deducted from wages across the year, such is the cost of the ticket.
Happy to explain the situation with my mum. There is an age gap between her and her sibling. Sibling won a place at a good private school. We are talking bespoke uniform from a single supplier. Their parents could stretch to school materials but the uniform was beyond their means. Mum was quite happy to do this although things became a bit more contentious when she got married and was not longer able to 'help'. Her sibling by then was in the last year of A' Levels and heading to Polytechnic, at which point the father took an overseas posting and both parents went off to Singapore for several years, leaving the brother to fend for himself. 
Similar story with my father who got a place at the local technical school. Unfortunately the school had been temporarily relocated some 45 miles outside the city. This meant daily train travel and it was beyond the parents means to support this, hence Dad left school and went into an apprenticeship. 
Both my parents saw education as very important. Because both had missed many educational opportunities through no fault of their own, they were always very keen to help others to meet their potential. 
I mentioned these things to give an understanding of one size not fitting all. There are lots of reasons why families may need their adult offspring to contribute whilst living in the family home. 

Spendless

tooldle said:

@Spendless The season ticket thing comes out the blue for many reasons, house moves, change of educational setting outside area, change of job etc. Its certainly possible to plan for the following year. We are talking significant sums (South east of England commute). For most people these costs arise in more of a staggered fashion and a lot of employers in the area will offer season ticket loans deducted from wages across the year, such is the cost of the ticket.
Happy to explain the situation with my mum. There is an age gap between her and her sibling. Sibling won a place at a good private school. We are talking bespoke uniform from a single supplier. Their parents could stretch to school materials but the uniform was beyond their means. Mum was quite happy to do this although things became a bit more contentious when she got married and was not longer able to 'help'. Her sibling by then was in the last year of A' Levels and heading to Polytechnic, at which point the father took an overseas posting and both parents went off to Singapore for several years, leaving the brother to fend for himself. 
Similar story with my father who got a place at the local technical school. Unfortunately the school had been temporarily relocated some 45 miles outside the city. This meant daily train travel and it was beyond the parents means to support this, hence Dad left school and went into an apprenticeship. 
Both my parents saw education as very important. Because both had missed many educational opportunities through no fault of their own, they were always very keen to help others to meet their potential. 
I mentioned these things to give an understanding of one size not fitting all. There are lots of reasons why families may need their adult offspring to contribute whilst living in the family home. 

Thanks for the further explanation. I did wonder about the uniform because even for me educated in the 70s/80s  a Uniform was only compulsory at Secondary school age. A private school uniform would be expensive, Even today our local private school has a bespoke Uniform only available to buy from the school.

One of my Grandmother's though was the only person to pass the 11+ at her London school in the 1930s. Her Dad then didn't want her to take the place at Grammar school due to the cost of buying books and the Uniform required. Her Mum over-ruled this by saying 'she'd get down on her hands and knees and scrub to get her there' and she did just that, going out to work as a cleaner to earn enough to pay the additional costs. 

My comment was more to do with sixth formers still in education themselves also being expected to contribute to the family coffers and I was intrigued by your story of an older one asked to contribute to the parental decision of a younger sibling's educational costs. I can certainly see how it became a bone of contention after your Mum married and had her own household bills to pay. 

tooldle

Thanks Spendless. This part is interesting "Mum over-ruled this by saying 'she'd get down on her hands and knees and scrub to get her there' and she did just that, going out to work as a cleaner to earn enough to pay the additional costs"
Not a lot of options for women in those days. My gran (on mum's side) never worked outside the home. Being partially sighted didn't help on top of society's expectations of women. She is no longer with us, and remains the only person i have ever met, who has never held a position of employment. She lived a very long life and passed away at 102 years of age. 

pmlindyloo

Mojisola said:

silvercar said:

Mojisola said:

I can't understand young adults who don't want to contribute to the household - financially as well as taking a share of the household tasks - do they want to continue to be treated as children rather than grown-ups with personal responsibilities?

You can treat someone as a grown up without taking money off them.

But are the young adults who don't contribute to the household bills behaving like adults or learning to be free-loaders?

Unless their behaviour in other ways showed that they were taking adult responsibilities seriously, having to pay their way is usually a good life lesson. 

I have to agree with Mojisola on this one.

Whether you can afford to support your adult child is not really the point.

Most young adults have absolutely no idea of the cost of running a household, budgeting, or saving on a regular basis.

These are all life skills that need to be taught.

Unfortunately our society is encouraged to spend through a raft of advertising, 'buy now' pay later deals etc etc.  Being in debt is not considered to be particularly 'wrong'.

Once a child finishes full time education then I believe they should be contributing something, even if they are on benefits.

If the parents situation is financially good then the suggestion of 'putting the contribution away and giving it back as a lump sum' comes into play.

Spendless

tooldle said:

Thanks Spendless. This part is interesting "Mum over-ruled this by saying 'she'd get down on her hands and knees and scrub to get her there' and she did just that, going out to work as a cleaner to earn enough to pay the additional costs"
Not a lot of options for women in those days. My gran (on mum's side) never worked outside the home. Being partially sighted didn't help on top of society's expectations of women. She is no longer with us, and remains the only person i have ever met, who has never held a position of employment. She lived a very long life and passed away at 102 years of age. 

Sorry, only just catching up on threads after the latest 're-vamp' of forum boards. That particular G-Gran only had 2 children. My Nan who was the eldest and Nan's sister who was 2 years younger. My other 3 Great Grandmother's had between 6-11 children each, so that option to work outside the home wouldn't have been available or at least not if an opportunity for the older one/s had come along. G-Gran didn't clean in a commercial setting, she cleaned for a lady who lived in a house that was posher than hers was! I only know this because 13 years ago we took Nan back to the area and she pointed out local landmarks and the places her parents had worked. .

OP - Have you had a chat to your son yet, and come up with any compromises?