Grown Up Son Finishing Uni

silvercar

Mrs_Soup said:

I don't get the never asking your grown up children to contribute to the household costs.  Is it a class thing maybe? I am from a working class background and it has always been the accepted thing in my family that once you are out of education and working that you pay "keep".  Way below the market rent but it's part of growing up - in return your parents start to treat you as more of an equal adult rather than a dependent child.  My parents have helped me and my sister loads over the years but it would never have occurred to me that I shouldn't contribute towards household expenses.

In my mind, as someone who didn’t charge my adult kids for living at home, the reasons are multiple:
a) allowing them to save a deposit to rent or buy themselves.
b) not forcing them to pay for my choices eg to have to pay a share of the heating bill when I’ve chosen the family home to be a draughty older style property
c) to take money off them, makes me feel that I am profiting off my children 
d) they had been away at university, they knew about budgeting 
e) I enjoyed the new relationship of having them living at home as adults, I couldn’t charge them to do it.

silvercar

A couple of times we had the bizarre situation where my kids uni friends would come and stay with us for a week or so; as some parents would charge their kids for coming home in the uni holidays. Money was tight on a student budget and the kids found it too expensive to go home to their parents! 

Happy_Sloth

silvercar said:

A couple of times we had the bizarre situation where my kids uni friends would come and stay with us for a week or so; as some parents would charge their kids for coming home in the uni holidays. Money was tight on a student budget and the kids found it too expensive to go home to their parents! 

i'd never charge for my son coming home from uni for the hol's thats nuts! 

tooldle

Why is it nuts? I paid ‘keep’ whilst at home during University vacations. I was over 18, and was earning money to both support myself and put away a little for the upcoming term. My sibling went to work on leaving school and was paying ‘keep’ at the same age. 

Happy_Sloth

tooldle said:

Why is it nuts? I paid ‘keep’ whilst at home during University vacations. I was over 18, and was earning money to both support myself and put away a little for the upcoming term. My sibling went to work on leaving school and was paying ‘keep’ at the same age. 

i guess i just concider my sons coming home a treat for me too,  i wouldn't charge my mum if she came to visit for a few days it seems odd to charge my son for visiting his mum. 

pmlindyloo

You say that after his first year at Uni he lived at home.  Did you ask him for a contribution during this time?  Did he have a student loan?  Did/does he have a part time job?  What is he using for money now?

Sorry for all the questions but the answers are important.  Having the whole picture makes a difference.

You have already told him that he doesn't have to make a contribution until he finds a job.  Your decision and one that is hard to go back on.  Depending on the answers to the above questions are you going to be paying everything for him until he gets a job?

Young adults who have attended university sometimes feel that they have an entitlement to a well paid job at more than a basic level.  Unfortunately this leads to an attitude that they just refuse to apply for/accept any job which provides a salary whilst they are looking for their 'dream job'.

The current situation job wise is not particularly good.  Many people chasing jobs , a lot of which are low paid.  It is not going to be easy.  You have found a couple of jobs for him in his chosen field but he won't 'bite' because they are at a low level.  This should worry you.

Young people often need 'guiding' and sometimes this means 'tough love'.  He is an adult and you will do him no favours by treating him like a young child.  Do you want him still living at home when he is 30?

My advice is to give him a few weeks of freedom and then have the 'talk'. Set a date for a review of the situation.
In the end you and him will have to agree on what is a sensible compromise re financial contribution.  ( I do hope not having a holiday yourself is a choice not out of financial necessity)

This may be a difficult time for you all - the atmosphere may sometimes be pretty bad as you 'nudge' him further.  In future years he will thank you.

PS  And stop paying for his blooming mobile - he can get a 'pay as you go'.  This will soon make him buck up his ideas.  Mobiles are their lifeline!

Happy_Sloth

pmlindyloo said:

You say that after his first year at Uni he lived at home.  Did you ask him for a contribution during this time?  Did he have a student loan?  Did/does he have a part time job?  What is he using for money now?

PS  And stop paying for his blooming mobile - he can get a 'pay as you go'.  This will soon make him buck up his ideas.  Mobiles are their lifeline!

Hi there .... here's the answers. 

No he didn't contribute towards he home when he lived at home while he was at Uni. He did get a student loan but only the minimum amount because of our earnings.  The year he lived in Hall's we gave him £200 per month to top up his money, so he had enough to live off. 

When he came home we stopped topping him up because we where housing and feeding him instead.  This did mean he keep all of his student loan amount,  however with that he was expected to look after himself in terms bus fairs, socialisation, uni books and equipment, clothes etc.  

He's got Asperger's so he's never worked, typical student type jobs aren't really something that's suitable for him, he would really struggle in any very busy environments (retail, bar work etc) as he can't handle large crowds or noisy environments. Tbh though we have never expected him to work while in full time education as we would rather he focused on his studies. 

And finally i pay for his phone, to make sure he has one it's a sim only deal and not expensive as i'm sure if i didn't he'd not bother having one haha, but once he's working the aim is to transfer the account to him. 

GeordieGeorge

It seems really alien to me, this idea of moving in with your parents after university.
I visited home in my holidays, but after graduation, that was that, I was off to live as an adult.

Torry_Quine

I started working at 17 on leaving school. I don't remember discussing what I'd put into the household budget. It was though ⅓ of my money which left the traditional amount with the ⅓ to spend and the ⅓ to save. It remained that until I left to marry. 
It seems strange to me that an earning adult wouldn't contribute to the household as it's not treating them as an adult.

silvercar

GeordieGeorge said:

It seems really alien to me, this idea of moving in with your parents after university.
I visited home in my holidays, but after graduation, that was that, I was off to live as an adult.

I did the same.

Nowadays it takes longer to find a suitable job and longer to be earning enough to move out of the family home, particularly in London.