What is your experience having relationship with divorced man with kids?

burlingtonfl6

littlegreenparrot said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Men shouldn't get married until their 30's
That's when their options are the highest.
''People'' are told from a young age that they can ''have it all''.....focus on your career and when your 35 you can start a family.
It's all a lie!

How about men marrying when they meet someone they want to marry? 
I know, I'm a hopeless romantic for not considering it in the same way you choose a jar from a shelf. 

Most 'people' are well aware of the consequences of decisions about when to have a family, and will weigh those things up carefully. Having been a young woman I can tell you there is always a magazine, newspaper, doctor, well meaning relative, colleague you hardly know, who is desperate to tell you to get on with it as you will shrivel up entirely on your 35th birthday. 
Thankfully as it's 2021 we can ignore them and make our own decisions for our own reasons. 

Biological fact isn't something you can ignore. Sorry.
Just because it's 2021 doesn't mean you can ignore the FACT that if you're in your mid 30's statistically you are closer to the end of your fertility and nowhere near it's peak in your 20's.
Yes, some women have children later but the exceptions don't change the average.

Why do some people have such an issue with this? It's a scientific fact that is proven. It may not be want you want to hear or it hurts your feelings but you can't change it.

[Deleted User]

@littlegreenparrot, you’re quite right that women don’t shrivel up and die when they hit 35. This “cliff” people talk about when it comes to women’s fertility apparently doesn’t really exist. It was based on a study of 209 women back in 1954 in a remote pocket of the US. 

More recent studies paint a more rosy picture. A 2013 study out of Denmark found just under 80 per cent of women 35 to 40 years old got pregnant naturally within a year of trying to conceive.

A separate 2004 study from the United States found 82 per cent women over 35 conceived naturally. That's slightly less than the 86 per cent of women from 27 to 34 years old.

That’s not to say there aren’t upside to having children earlier such as not financially assisting a child through university when you want to be retiring! 

burlingtonfl6

Lover_of_Lycra said:

@littlegreenparrot, you’re quite right that women don’t shrivel up and die when they hit 35. This “cliff” people talk about when it comes to women’s fertility apparently doesn’t really exist. It was based on a study of 209 women back in 1954 in a remote pocket of the US. 

More recent studies paint a more rosy picture. A 2013 study out of Denmark found just under 80 per cent of women 35 to 40 years old got pregnant naturally within a year of trying to conceive.

A separate 2004 study from the United States found 82 per cent women over 35 conceived naturally. That's slightly less than the 86 per cent of women from 27 to 34 years old.

That’s not to say there aren’t upside to having children earlier such as not financially assisting a child through university when you want to be retiring! 

https://www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/fei/at-what-age-does-fertility-begin-to-decrease/
looks like a steep hill in this study, not a cliff

Older women are really screwing over the younger generation by telling them to put off having children until later in life (something they didn't do)
They should be told the truth. The best time to have a child is in your 20's.

KxMx

You have to be aware of premature menopause as well, it's more common than you may think.

barbiedoll

I work in midwifery and I was told that the best time, biologically speaking, to have a child, is in your mid to late teens. Obviously, we don't encourage teenagers to have babies, because they mostly don't have the life skills, experience, or financial means, not to mention the emotional security that is so important when becoming a parent.

I can attest to the fact that many, many women have babies after 35, and fertility problems are prevelant in younger couples too, it's not just middle-aged women who have problems when TTC.

The best time to have a child, is when you are ready, and not before. We all know that life doesn't work out like that for everyone, and yes, women shouldn't put off starting their family if they can avoid it. But controlling our fertility is such a recent privilege, we tend to forget that just 50 years ago, women routinely had their first baby in their teens, and their last in their late 40's.

pickledonionspaceraider

annabanana82 said:

Gavin83 said:

Am I the only one who doesn't actually think 33 is that young? By that age I'd expect most single people to be divorced and have kids from a previous relationship. Saying that I still don't think someone should settle for something they don't want but the expectations need to be realistic, the potential dating pool is small.

I'm a couple of years older but if I found myself single I'd expect my options would be a single mum, a much younger woman or to remain single. Of course one of those is considerably more challenging that the other two!

I've heard people at work say that if someone in their mid 30's haven't had children or had a previous serious relationship or marriage then you should perhaps be questioning what's wrong with them and why no one else wants/wanted them

Oh seriously?  People actually think of that?  What strange humans

littlegreenparrot

burlingtonfl6 said:

littlegreenparrot said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Men shouldn't get married until their 30's
That's when their options are the highest.
''People'' are told from a young age that they can ''have it all''.....focus on your career and when your 35 you can start a family.
It's all a lie!

How about men marrying when they meet someone they want to marry? 
I know, I'm a hopeless romantic for not considering it in the same way you choose a jar from a shelf. 

Most 'people' are well aware of the consequences of decisions about when to have a family, and will weigh those things up carefully. Having been a young woman I can tell you there is always a magazine, newspaper, doctor, well meaning relative, colleague you hardly know, who is desperate to tell you to get on with it as you will shrivel up entirely on your 35th birthday. 
Thankfully as it's 2021 we can ignore them and make our own decisions for our own reasons. 

Biological fact isn't something you can ignore. Sorry.
Just because it's 2021 doesn't mean you can ignore the FACT that if you're in your mid 30's statistically you are closer to the end of your fertility and nowhere near it's peak in your 20's.
Yes, some women have children later but the exceptions don't change the average.

Why do some people have such an issue with this? It's a scientific fact that is proven. It may not be want you want to hear or it hurts your feelings but you can't change it.

 I don't have an issue with biology. I have an issue with the rather patronising idea that most women don't realize the possible consequences of choosing to have children later, because they do. My point was that everyone is keen to tell you about it all the time, but circumstances dictate your choices. Feelings are irrelevant. 

For many the issue is not 'choosing to focus on career' and having a great time. It is a simple question of finances. Who will pay for it? High rents and insecure tenancy, ever increasing house prices, zero hour contracts etc etc. As ever it is only actively a choice for those who can afford it. 
We could argue about the social structures that have led to that position but that's a different thing. 
I would have dearly loved to have a baby in my 20's but it would have been financially crippling, so took my chances with biology instead. 

Alias_Omega

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Be wary of cutting and running from a decent man, on the basis of him having kids and being a good dad

This is true...

As a 41 year old male, single, happy, divorced, a good dad, has a good job (nearly £40k+ a year), healthy, stable, reliable etc. Even though i have decided not to be in a relationship / take some time out for me, setup my new life etc, find myself , I have found that a few women whom i have met through Tinder (in the past) still want to remain "friends" and are interested in "nights out and more" despite making my situation aware. The quoted statement reads true, for them to meet someone "normal" , someone they get along with, can have a night out with etc, is quite rare these days....

KnobbyStiles

I was the man in that position once.
My new g/f was great with my kids when they visited and I was quite happy to be the best father I could when parenting and the best partner I could be when I wasn't parenting. 
The key difference here was that I was in my mid-thirties and my partner in her late twenties and she was sure she never wanted kids. The relationship lasted three years but her perspective on life changed and she decided that she wanted kids after all. That in itself wasn't the reason we broke up but I will admit it suited me to be certain that half-siblings wouldn't cause my kids to think that they were being pushed out or missing out on growing up with their dad always being there.
You see, for me it was easier to compartmentalise my life without any conflict of interests. 
I can be frank about that now but, like I said, her about-turn on that one matter was in no way the reason we split up.
It's impossible to make a checklist of what we want from the person we fall in love with but you really have to check which direction you're both heading in and what your priorities are.
Good luck.

Archergirl

I think if you need to ask the question you know the answer.........walk away x