What is your experience having relationship with divorced man with kids?

hob_nob_bob

I'm currently 33 and have been with my partner for about a year and a half; he's in the process of getting a divorce (he was already separated when I came on the scene), and he has two children with his ex wife. Before we met I was adamant I wouldn't date someone who had already been married and/or had children - from my experience of friends in that situation, often there's bitterness and animosity from one/both of the ex-partners. I also wasn't sure I wanted children of my own so to be with someone who already had them was a bit of a deal breaker for me.

However, when I met my partner that all changed. We just immediately clicked and I knew he was 'the one', with children or without, and suddenly him having 'baggage' as someone else has put it became a non-issue to me. He was even still living with his ex-wife when we met (they'd split a year prior but stayed in the same house for financial reasons, and to give their children some stability during a difficult time in their lives), although the ex-wife bought somewhere and moved out some time ago now. I must say that I'm very lucky in that my partner and his ex-wife and still really good friends, and I genuinely like her myself. I realise not every situation works so well.

Of course if he had a gun to his head, he'd choose his children over me, but I don't feel like I'm second best to anyone or anything in this set up, or that I'm not a priority to him. But then I'm certain that if his children were our children together, he'd also make the same choice.

Sounds to me like OP isn't sure about this relationship so should get out now. It's certainly not for everyone to become a blended family etc, to carry on when you have your doubts wouldn't be fair on anyone.

burlingtonfl6

hob_nob_bob said:

I'm currently 33 and have been with my partner for about a year and a half; he's in the process of getting a divorce (he was already separated when I came on the scene), and he has two children with his ex wife. Before we met I was adamant I wouldn't date someone who had already been married and/or had children - from my experience of friends in that situation, often there's bitterness and animosity from one/both of the ex-partners. I also wasn't sure I wanted children of my own so to be with someone who already had them was a bit of a deal breaker for me.

However, when I met my partner that all changed. We just immediately clicked and I knew he was 'the one', with children or without, and suddenly him having 'baggage' as someone else has put it became a non-issue to me. He was even still living with his ex-wife when we met (they'd split a year prior but stayed in the same house for financial reasons, and to give their children some stability during a difficult time in their lives), although the ex-wife bought somewhere and moved out some time ago now. I must say that I'm very lucky in that my partner and his ex-wife and still really good friends, and I genuinely like her myself. I realise not every situation works so well.

Of course if he had a gun to his head, he'd choose his children over me, but I don't feel like I'm second best to anyone or anything in this set up, or that I'm not a priority to him. But then I'm certain that if his children were our children together, he'd also make the same choice.

Sounds to me like OP isn't sure about this relationship so should get out now. It's certainly not for everyone to become a blended family etc, to carry on when you have your doubts wouldn't be fair on anyone.

Would you have made the same decision at 25 though?.....no, as you said.
There is a reason for this, as you get older your choices are reduced. Women tend to date men older than them so it makes sense that that pool of men available to you are more likely to have ''baggage'' as your age increases.

hob_nob_bob

I doubt I would @burlingtonfl6; I was in a very different place then and wouldn't have been ready to settle down or be in a step mother role at that point.

CharllieSays

I think if you love kids and can't have your own for whatever reason, then being a step mum can be a really good arrangement for all involved. Especially if the ex is out of the picture (as with one single dad I know). Or if you are past childbearing age and/or are divorced with kids yourself, then it can work well.

But generally I would advise women not to get involved with dads, as the drama can wear you down quickly. Especially if there is international travel involved to visit them. That will get expensive and tiring for most people. When you are using up your annual leave to visit the ex wife every year, it will start to grate on you after a while. Think through the everyday practicalities of it before you decide if it's for you. And make sure you and him are on the same page regarding having your own children. If you change your mind and he doesn't, then you have to help raise the children of another woman, it can be pretty depressing. If you already have doubts, then it probably isn't the right person for you.

pickledonionspaceraider

Be wary of cutting and running from a decent man, on the basis of him having kids and being a good dad

Gavin83

Am I the only one who doesn't actually think 33 is that young? By that age I'd expect most single people to be divorced and have kids from a previous relationship. Saying that I still don't think someone should settle for something they don't want but the expectations need to be realistic, the potential dating pool is small.

I'm a couple of years older but if I found myself single I'd expect my options would be a single mum, a much younger woman or to remain single. Of course one of those is considerably more challenging that the other two!

strawb_shortcake

Gavin83 said:

Am I the only one who doesn't actually think 33 is that young? By that age I'd expect most single people to be divorced and have kids from a previous relationship. Saying that I still don't think someone should settle for something they don't want but the expectations need to be realistic, the potential dating pool is small.

I'm a couple of years older but if I found myself single I'd expect my options would be a single mum, a much younger woman or to remain single. Of course one of those is considerably more challenging that the other two!

I've heard people at work say that if someone in their mid 30's haven't had children or had a previous serious relationship or marriage then you should perhaps be questioning what's wrong with them and why no one else wants/wanted them

barbiedoll

I met my husband when I was 30. I'd been in an abusive marriage, but I'd moved on, bought my own flat and really wasn't bothered about having any form of long-term relationship. My husband was in a similar situation, he was living alone after many years with his ex, he has several children, from several previous relationships, and was enjoying being single for the first time in many years.

Even if you ask us now, 25 years later, we couldn't tell you what brought us together. We don't have much in common, there is 12 years between us, we're not even each other's "type". But we just knew, almost from the minute that we met, that it was right. I get on well with his ex (better than he does!) his kids are all grown up, we don't see them all the time, but we do all keep in touch and they know we're here if they need us. We have a son together, and we both know that our kid(s) come first, that goes for both of us.

It's not always been easy, but what relationship doesn't have it's ups and downs? Most of my friends who married partners without "baggage" have long since split up. It's silly to write someone off, just because they have a child. If it's not children that they're responsible for, it could be ageing parents, difficult siblings, needy friends or ex-partners.....everyone has baggage of some sort.

And no, I didn't hook up with my husband because I'd run out of options at 30. Before I met him, I'd dated a 21 year old, and a 24 year old. Both were lovely, and great fun, but they just weren't right for me. You can't choose who you fall in love with!

onomatopoeia99

annabanana82 said:

Gavin83 said:

Am I the only one who doesn't actually think 33 is that young? By that age I'd expect most single people to be divorced and have kids from a previous relationship. Saying that I still don't think someone should settle for something they don't want but the expectations need to be realistic, the potential dating pool is small.

I'm a couple of years older but if I found myself single I'd expect my options would be a single mum, a much younger woman or to remain single. Of course one of those is considerably more challenging that the other two!

I've heard people at work say that if someone in their mid 30's haven't had children or had a previous serious relationship or marriage then you should perhaps be questioning what's wrong with them and why no one else wants/wanted them

Which only shows you work with some people with strange ideas!

AskAsk

Gavin83 said:

Am I the only one who doesn't actually think 33 is that young? By that age I'd expect most single people to be divorced and have kids from a previous relationship. Saying that I still don't think someone should settle for something they don't want but the expectations need to be realistic, the potential dating pool is small.

I'm a couple of years older but if I found myself single I'd expect my options would be a single mum, a much younger woman or to remain single. Of course one of those is considerably more challenging that the other two!

"The average age at which British women get married is now 35.7, according to new figures from the Office of National Statistics. For men, it's 38."

 https://www.harpersbazaar.com/uk/bazaar-brides/a32152709/the-average-age-british-women-marry-is-35/#:~:text=The average age at which,men, based on 2017 data.

 so 33 is still young enough to be single these days. i guess it also depends on where you are in the UK, as in cities where people are more motivated by work and earning money, people tend to get married later. although i guess people in their 30s may be in a relationship but not actually married so 'single' 30s may not be as many as single 20s. however, i would certainly think that anyone in their 30s is not yet in a desperate state to find a partner.