What is your experience having relationship with divorced man with kids?

goldlemontree

I have been speaking to someone, I think we get on well, however, he has been divorced for 5 years and has two daughters under 10. I believe the mother lives in Germany now and he visits them as much as he can when he is able to travel, and Skypes the kids twice a week.

I am a 33 year old who has never been married or had kids and am just wondering is this something worth getting into any further before it's even really started or should I wait to see a bit more of what he is like and how he lives and what his relationship is like with them? I just feel like maybe it's not worth it if my first priority isn't ever going to be me, which of course I understand, just wondering can I really feel part of his life while he has this other family?

From what I can tell, he didn't want to get divorced but the mother suffered from post natal depression and wanted out after 2 years of marriage, but it has been a while now they have been divorced so I feel like that side of it is over for him but they will always be around and he will always need to see them.

RetSol

Let me kick off this thread by saying that I am really glad that you are asking this question. 

I just feel like maybe it's not worth it if my first priority isn't ever going to be me,

Freudian slip, I think.  You probably meant "his" first priority.   But I would ask: "Is your first priority ever going to be you?".  This may be the nub of your question.  It sounds like you want someone whose first priority is you and this man is not it. 

I do not have children and I had a relationship years ago with a divorced man who had a teenage child from an earlier marriage.  The relationship with him ended after a relatively brief period but It took me a lot longer to realise that it was wholly legitimate for me not to want our relationship to play second fiddle to his first relationship and family, his job and his and other interests (which was what was happening). 

The question of parity between partners in the area of pre-existing family commitments is little discussed, I feel. And, especially if one is a late starter, it gets more difficult as one gets older and one's prospective partners' experiences become more likely to diverge from one's own experience. 

AskAsk

i think at 33 it is a bit early to settle for someone with baggage.  look for someone with no commitments.

HampshireH

No experience but there is a difference between a guy who sees his kids in the same country and one who travels abroad to do so.

He sounds great. A really dedicated dad. And it's great to hear he travels to see them as much as possible

But do you want the feeling of "what's going on" everytime he goes to Germany. Even if it's completely innocent and solely for the kids but I'm the knowledge he didn't want the divorce?

It's harsh to put that on him but it's an emotional hurdle you may need to cross

goldlemontree

Thanks all, yes, these are my first instincts also. It’s very difficult when you have been on all the apps etc and come across someone who for the first time in a long time you can have a decent convo with, and who also excites you. It will be difficult to say goodbye, but I feel like that is the right thing to do. 

swingaloo2

Why would you write him off so easily? I think you need to ask yourself why him already having children is such a deal breaker. He sounds like a great dad so has some good qualities. 
I am married to a man who has children from 2 previous relationships and I knew he came with a LOT of baggage. However, I got to know him and found him to be a kind, honest man. He was also a man who missed his children terribly and for over 10 years we did a 450 mile round trip every week setting off at 5am and driving 4 hours each way.  I always went with him, got on well with kids and eventually also with his ex and was firmly of the belief that if you are involved with a man with children then you have to accept that they will always be a major part of both your lives. 
Money may be tight and you may not always feel it fair when you cant afford somethig because one of the children wants to go on a school trip and he wants to contribute when you havent had a holiday for 2 years.  There will be Christmas's and birthdays which may be awkward and so many other frustrations you cant even begin to think of. 
It takes patience and understanding and you need to be aware that should you ever start to suggest that his children are the reason you cant do this or that or that you resent the children then you will drive a wedge through your relationship that wont be easy to fix. 
Been there, got the t-shirt and had all the frustrations. But would I do the same thing again if I knew what I now know. Absolutely I would. The children are now grown up and 22 years on I know I got a good man. He told me straight away that he had young children and 2 failed relationships and I had my douts but when I got to know him I knew I would rather have him with the baggage than not have him in my life. 
I suppose a lot depends on how you both see a future, will you want children and if so will he be happy to have more?

sassyblue

goldlemontree said:

Thanks all, yes, these are my first instincts also. It’s very difficult when you have been on all the apps etc and come across someone who for the first time in a long time you can have a decent convo with, and who also excites you. It will be difficult to say goodbye, but I feel like that is the right thing to do. 

Why disregard him so easily? his children are in another country so it’s not like he’d be putting you off suddenly, the vast majority of his visits will be planned. Plus if you got on well you could travel with him, I’m assuming he doesn’t stay at his ex's, and enjoy a little time away too.

nor would I worry about what he's doing with his ex, give him a chance, if they wanted to be together they would have been.

jennystarpepper

You have said 'I have been speaking to someone'... so I take this to be, you have not been on a date and do not know if you 'click'? I mean, are you attracted, face to face and not on screen?  Also, many other things which people decide after a few dates, manners, habbits, culture and lots of other things.  

You also said ' I just feel like maybe it's not worth it if my first priority isn't ever going to be me'.  Please don't get involved with anyone with children if you think you should be first.  I have no children and met my husband who had 2 children when I was 33, I would never expect to be first, it's about give and take.  

I think he and his children are worth more.  Move on, children are not and should never be considered as 'baggage'!

alwaysskint2020

This is the thing thats a definate no no for me. . I cannot find any reason why Id go for a bloke with kids ( adult ones who long left home slightly different)    For a start you either miss all the fun part of dating if he is seeing kids each weekend or on call for their needs  Or he has sweet FA to do with them and I wouldnt have any respect for him. Also if it was someone I wished to perhaps have kids myself with then wouldnt want him to have done it all before with someone else

Coolhand2

I would keep looking if I were you. You are still young, you will find someone who will make you number 1 priority and you start everything together. Being a stepmom, you need a big heart to welcome the kids.

burlingtonfl6

Completely understandable OP. Those with children who find themselves single are not the first choice of single people without.
It's just nature. You will never be number one to this person ( and rightly so ) 
Men are demonised in society for refusing to get involved with single mothers but there is nothing wrong with that.
We all have preferences.