How to split bills - help!

Pollycat

AskAsk said:

splitting finances is never easy, even if all the money goes into one account as there will often be friction about spending.  it is inevitable.  with couples even splitting 50:50 for bills, there will often be leeway for one person to pay more if they feel it is not fair to split 50:50 and if one partner earns more than the other partner.

i don't think there is any ideal way and it only works when both partners agree to it and are happy with it, which means it will be up to individual couples to set up an arrangement that they will both be happy with.  just like anything else in a relationship, nothing is simple when you have to work as one and you clearly are two individuals.

I think you've made this point before and it makes perfect sense.

What works for one couple may not work for another.

The OP clearly feels the arrangement they have isn't fair, other wise she wouldn't have posted.

However, 6 pages in and she hasn't come back to comment on the replies.

maman

Pollycat said:

The OP clearly feels the arrangement they have isn't fair, other wise she wouldn't have posted.

However, 6 pages in and she hasn't come back to comment on the replies.

That's so often the case. Sometimes people just want to vent other times they just want agreement and disappear when it doesn't happen.

It's a regular topic and I'm sure it will appear again. While I agree there is no 'one size fits all' I think the weight of the debate is changing. So many more women have  independence and are used to handling their own finances before entering long term relationships these days that I think there's a growing reluctance to go for 'one pot' and have no privacy in spending.

That being said, even in a previous generation, women would often squirrel away some housekeeping money for personal spending. 

Pollycat

We had separate finances for quite a while after we met.

I owned a house (with a very small mortgage) and we agreed without discussing it that I would keep that separate.

I really can't remember what we did about the bills - it was over 35 years ago.

But I sold the house and we bought a new house together. I put in the majority of the deposit on the new house from the house sale. OH was busy investing in the stock market with his (very good) salary in accounts for both of us.

We had an off-set mortgage when they were very new. I remember the woman at the bank said it was the first she'd arranged.

Pooling our income and savings made a massive difference to paying off the mortgage.

So we've continued with our joint bank account.

We don't argue about money.

Both occupational pensions & both state pensions go in and the bills come out.

I tend to use my paypal balance from stuff I've sold on eBay to buy other stuff. That gives me privacy in spending.

But I don't really need privacy in spending, if I see some shoes I fancy I know I can buy them without causing any resentment using our credit card.

Ditto for OH. Maybe a parcel of computer bits will arrive and he'll be upgrading his PC.

Maybe we have a more relaxed attitude to money as we have enough to live on and indulge ourselves.

Ever since we met we have had an unspoken agreement to live within our means. Both our previous partners were less savvy about money.

It works for us, it maybe wouldn't work for other people.

MovingForwards

maman said:

Pollycat said:

The OP clearly feels the arrangement they have isn't fair, other wise she wouldn't have posted.

However, 6 pages in and she hasn't come back to comment on the replies.

That's so often the case. Sometimes people just want to vent other times they just want agreement and disappear when it doesn't happen.

It's a regular topic and I'm sure it will appear again. While I agree there is no 'one size fits all' I think the weight of the debate is changing. So many more women have  independence and are used to handling their own finances before entering long term relationships these days that I think there's a growing reluctance to go for 'one pot' and have no privacy in spending.

That being said, even in a previous generation, women would often squirrel away some housekeeping money for personal spending. 

My now ex-MIL was given £50pw to buy food. Of that it was food and drink for the two of them and her cigarettes / toiletries plus clothes, shoes etc ex-FIL always hated her going into charity shops to buy clothes and shoes in case the neighbours saw her, but wouldn't give her any more money so she could afford to shop in even the cheaper ones. She would eat less herself so she could save a bit of money and get her hair cut. Same when the kids were growing up. 

Christmas, her birthday, mother's Day I would always hand over a load of toiletries, make-up, vouchers and other things so she could get through the year, which made him extremely jealous as she got more than he did, but his always cost more as it had to be branded / named items. Always hoped one day she would leave him and get to enjoy life, sadly by the time he died she had dementia, so while she now has access to the money it's not bringing what she could have had all them years.

Pollycat

That's so sad, MovingForwards.

But I think it's probably how a lot of women lived when they didn't work.

AskAsk

maman said:

Pollycat said:

The OP clearly feels the arrangement they have isn't fair, other wise she wouldn't have posted.

However, 6 pages in and she hasn't come back to comment on the replies.

That's so often the case. Sometimes people just want to vent other times they just want agreement and disappear when it doesn't happen.

It's a regular topic and I'm sure it will appear again. While I agree there is no 'one size fits all' I think the weight of the debate is changing. So many more women have  independence and are used to handling their own finances before entering long term relationships these days that I think there's a growing reluctance to go for 'one pot' and have no privacy in spending.

That being said, even in a previous generation, women would often squirrel away some housekeeping money for personal spending. 

"squirrel away" lol.  that made me laugh.  most of the women i know (and i think i am the only exception) are big spenders.  they have so much clothes, shoes, handbags, ......  I just can't imagine their husbands would put up with yet another pair of shoes and expensive handbag from the joint account.  and if one partner spends so much and self indulge, this would encourage the other partner to do the same.

my husband spends a lot more than i do so i would resent him taking my money and spending it on himself.  as it is his own money, this doesn't bother me as much.

wannabe_a_saver

maman said:

Pollycat said:

The OP clearly feels the arrangement they have isn't fair, other wise she wouldn't have posted.

However, 6 pages in and she hasn't come back to comment on the replies.

That's so often the case. Sometimes people just want to vent other times they just want agreement and disappear when it doesn't happen.

It's a regular topic and I'm sure it will appear again. While I agree there is no 'one size fits all' I think the weight of the debate is changing. So many more women have  independence and are used to handling their own finances before entering long term relationships these days that I think there's a growing reluctance to go for 'one pot' and have no privacy in spending.

That being said, even in a previous generation, women would often squirrel away some housekeeping money for personal spending. 

I think with more recognition of the value of tasks that women have historically been expected to do just because they were women, and more understanding of the ‘mental load’, fewer women will be happy to be financially worse off than their male partners just because a lot of the very important work they do is less valued in monetary terms.

Exodi

Having had this exact situation play out in my (now past) relationship:

My ex initiallly wanted a joint account because 'we're not lodging together'. My ex earned about half of what I did.

Slowly but surely the bickering began to happen - she would get her friends much larger gifts and treats than before - go for nice spa breaks, etc. We'd 'jointly' overpay the mortgage from our joint account. She would vilify me for querying purchases and repeat that it's 'our money'

After we grew increasingly resentful of eachother, she requested that we once again split our finances. Soon after she began complaining about how broke she is all the time.

A few months after I found out she was cheating on me with a guy at work. I ended up buying her out the house which unfortuantely included half the overpayments that I essentially solely paid.

You can't have your cake and eat it. You seem to be quite similar in thinking that:

a) he earns more money than you and it's not fair
b) he should share this money with you and he's not allowed a say on it

I wonder how you'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

My current partner and I instead work out what 50% of the bills and groceries are and transfer it to a joint account which they come out of. Rest of our wages and savings stay in our own accounts - easier that way. I may offer to pay for a few extra things (like dates, dinners, gifts, etc) but she doesn't expect it nor demand that I pay her a maintenance for earning more.

strawb_shortcake

My Husband and I have lived on one wage for such a long time I can't really remember how we used to manage our joint wages. 
Now, my Husband leaves me to manage the money, his view is I earn it I decide how its managed. He has always found pocket money, either through car boots, Ebay or other buying and selling and a brief casual job. Now he has his student maintenance loan to keep him going. 

We have talked about how we will split costs when he does eventually return to work, our, well his current thinking is that he'll give me 50% of his take home pay to contribute towards the bills, this may be reassessed depending on what his salary is but I'm happy in principle with this idea but seems quite weighted in my favour. 
He is definitely the bigger spender, he has been reining it in as the house is packed with his junk, I'm the saver and I can't see that changing that much. 

MovingForwards

@Pollycat it was horrible seeing it for 21 years which is why with my now OH (pre Covid) I would leave a pot of money, tell him where it was and say use it don't ask; he has always earned less than me. Bit harder now we are not using cash, but I transfer money without question and when things are 'normal' again I will fill the cash pot back up.