How to split bills - help!

littlegreenparrot

He doesn't get to decide what account your wages get paid into, you do. 
To be honest there are some points in your post which I find a bit concerning regarding controlling behaviour. As you have seen there are different ways to do it, the important thing is that everyone involved is happy. As long as I was able to pay my share anyone who tried to take me to task for how I spent or saved the remainder would get short shrift. 

We have a joint account for bills. Every month we each transfer our half plus a bit for a buffer into that account. We have always earned around the same so that works for us. If there was a bigger difference we would work out the proportion. 
What remains is up to us to manage individually- paying for cars, savings for both joint and individual projects, personal spends. 

I think it's very important to have control of ones own money, and do not appreciate others implying that any relationship that does not have total joint finances somehow lacks love or trust. 

JamoLew

We have a joint account and no others apart from savings

All the money goes in gets mixed up and the bills come out - never had an issue in over 20 years of marriage

One thing we do do though - is give ourselves a weekly amount each as "pocket money"

I guess its slightly easier for us as we have always been paid pretty similar amounts

At the end of the day - you just have to find what works for you as a couple and be 100% honest and upfront about your feelings on any arrangement. 
Set up a date annually to review and be prepared to tinker and tweak and circumstances change

justworriedabit

Having read this thread and contributed several times IMO the general consensus is that a marriage is a partnership of 50/50
as it should be IMO.
A couple of posters that have made jokes about the situation and then one laugh at that joke, IMO  this is not a place to laugh about questions like this raised by real people that are seeking advice to help them decide and the last thing they want is to be mocked.

OP, the bottom line and IMHO, you two need to decide if you have a future as a couple in a partnership/marriage which in most peoples eyes is 50/50 or a business arrangement as I and others can see problems ahead if that is the case.

Yes, newer couple will say at times I earn more than you it is expected especially when you have a disagreement but life when wed/etc is, usually is 50/50 especially when it comes to paying bills. Re domestics, that can vary subject to work, who likes doing what or not and people negotiate around that
You seem to be a genuine nice person and rightly so asked this question, again I wish you the best wishes for the future and hope you both make the right decision

(btw, if you have parents, seek their advice as often they will give you the best advice even though you may disagree like most
offspring do at times when younger)

CookieMonster

justworriedabit said:

Having read this thread and contributed several times IMO the general consensus is that a marriage is a partnership of 50/50
as it should be IMO.

I agree with the sentiment that marriage is 50/50, marital assets etc.: that's backed-up by law.
The OP is not married to her partner (I believe), so sharing everything 50/50 regardless of income is not applicable here.

[Deleted User]

From previous posts it suggests you have young children with your partner @kimthomasandaimee which leads me to think the family finances should perhaps be considered more holistically than a straight 50/50 split of bills and whatever is left over from your pay is yours and what’s left from his is his. Is your income lower because you do the bulk of the childcare for example? What financial goals do you have as a family? 

If you were a co-habiting couple living together with no children then I’d say paying half of the bills out of your respective incomes resulting in your partner having more disposable income because he earns more isn’t particularly unfair especially in the earlier stages of a relationship. 

maman

justworriedabit said:

Having read this thread and contributed several times IMO the general consensus is that a marriage is a partnership of 50/50
as it should be IMO.

That rather depends on what you mean by 50:50. For me it means paying half of everything, an equal partnership in finances as in other aspects of our relationship. I suspect you don't mean that.🤔

I think it's very important to have control of ones own money, and do not appreciate others implying that any relationship that does not have total joint finances somehow lacks love or trust. 

Thanks littlegreenparrot. I'm with you there (sorry don't know how to do multi quote). 

justworriedabit

CookieMonster said:

justworriedabit said:

Having read this thread and contributed several times IMO the general consensus is that a marriage is a partnership of 50/50
as it should be IMO.

I agree with the sentiment that marriage is 50/50, marital assets etc.: that's backed-up by law.
The OP is not married to her partner (I believe), so sharing everything 50/50 regardless of income is not applicable here.

Many thanks, I am aware of that but in my way of thinking, 'living together in a 'partnership' is out of love IE same as marriage other than paperwork.
I stand by the 50/50 way of thinking, otherwise it's not a wedlock/partnership but a business arrangement IMHO.

justworriedabit

maman said:

justworriedabit said:

Having read this thread and contributed several times IMO the general consensus is that a marriage is a partnership of 50/50
as it should be IMO.

That rather depends on what you mean by 50:50. For me it means paying half of everything, an equal partnership in finances as in other aspects of our relationship. I suspect you don't mean that.🤔

I think it's very important to have control of ones own money, and do not appreciate others implying that any relationship that does not have total joint finances somehow lacks love or trust. 

Thanks littlegreenparrot. I'm with you there (sorry don't know how to do multi quote). 

maman said:

justworriedabit said:

Having read this thread and contributed several times IMO the general consensus is that a marriage is a partnership of 50/50
as it should be IMO.

That rather depends on what you mean by 50:50. For me it means paying half of everything, an equal partnership in finances as in other aspects of our relationship. I suspect you don't mean that.🤔

I think it's very important to have control of ones own money, and do not appreciate others implying that any relationship that does not have total joint finances somehow lacks love or trust. 

Thanks littlegreenparrot. I'm with you there (sorry don't know how to do multi quote). 

You make valid points. Yes, I would agree that not 50/50 split if they split up next week but one has to start somewhere and living together as lovers is just that.
"Having control of ones own money" I agree but us as joint accounts and others have stated we've never had a problem.
As another poster said, its the way you see thing, think or something like that, that makes a marriage/partnership work or not.

ATM I earn and have for the majority of time earned a lot less than Mr J - other than the one or two moments of of unarmed combat ie with our mouths we have always seen eye to eye re spending on ourselves, the home the family, hols, etc, etc - we negotiate at times and 100% works - we have our own debit cards full access and share a CC in one name - we share passwords and share and know each others passwords to everything - its called trust and equality. We like the set up but its not everyone's cup of coffee.

maisie_cat

If he earns more, and you both do the same amount around the home I would agree that he gets to keep his additional pay. If you do all the cooking, grocery shopping, iron his shirts, sort his drycleaning, make his lunch, clean the house etc, you are facilitating his additional earning and that is different. it's exactly the same argument as women earning less while undertaking all the childcare.
When I earned more than my husband I used the exact amount of the difference in take home pay as mortgage overpayment so that we both had the same disposable income. We both had accounts our pay went into and I paid for all household things while he transferred money to me to cover half the bills. Now we simply have a joint account and both have visibility of everything.

maman

justworriedabit said:

ATM I earn and have for the majority of time earned a lot less than Mr J - other than the one or two moments of of unarmed combat ie with our mouths we have always seen eye to eye re spending on ourselves, the home the family, hols, etc, etc - we negotiate at times and 100% works - we have our own debit cards full access and share a CC in one name - we share passwords and share and know each others passwords to everything - its called trust and equality. We like the set up but its not everyone's cup of coffee.

Thanks for you openness but as I said with the 50:50, it depends what you mean and how you see it. 

My idea of equality is for each of us to contribute equally to family finances (although some negotiation is needed when children are young). My idea of trust is that we can both manage our own accounts, debit cards and credit cards knowing that the other won't be being irresponsible and cause problems for the family. That means, as I posted earlier, that if we have a large unexpected bill then we each can contribute.  I think the point about privacy came up earlier too. I'd no more want my DH to tell me his  passwords for his internet banking than I would open his mail or his phone messages. That's trust for me. 

So we'll have to agree to differ. This poem came to mind.
The Blind Man And The Elephant by John Godfrey Saxe - Famous poems, famous poets. - All Poetry