Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my cousin I can't afford to attend her hen weekend?

MSE_Kelvin · 2 March 2021 at 3:02PM

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My cousin had to cancel her hen weekend and her wedding because of the pandemic. We're now re-planning the hen-do but she wants to stay somewhere more expensive and invite more people, meaning some activities I've bought for won't work without spending more. The whole thing's now out of my price range, but I'm racked with guilt about telling her I can't come, as she was so crushed when she had to cancel everything. What should I do?

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Torry_Quine · 2 March 2021 at 3:56PM

What's the dilemma? If you can't afford it then you need to tell her you won't be going.

Mojisola · 2 March 2021 at 4:11PM

My cousin had to cancel her hen weekend and her wedding because of the pandemic. We're now re-planning the hen-do but she wants to stay somewhere more expensive and invite more people, meaning some activities I've bought for won't work without spending more. The whole thing's now out of my price range, but I'm racked with guilt about telling her I can't come, as she was so crushed when she had to cancel everything. What should I do?

It sounds as if you're thinking of her feelings far more than she's thinking of yours.

Tell her you can't afford her plans - she should be consulting the people who are paying.

thorsoak · 2 March 2021 at 4:40PM

The dilemma you have is that you don't want to hurt her feelings - but if you decide that you will go, so that you don't hurt her feelings, you are not going to enjoy it because you know that your bank account will be hurting. She will get the vibes that you are not having such a good time - and that will upset her. Just be honest, tell her that you cannot afford it, but propose that you take her for a pampering day/afternoon for just the two of you - a pampering day that you CAN afford.

Primrose · 2 March 2021 at 4:42PM

Tell her she is not the only one who has been affected by the pandemic but that your finances have also been impacted in a more negative way than hers. Wish her joy in making her new plans but say that you can now no longer afford to attend. And ask her very nicely please not to put pressure on youto change your decision as Covid has already caused more than enough damages to your finances.

The problem is that people planning their own weddings are so generally wrapped up in their plans and dreams that other peoples' difficulties in accommodating them are rarely pulled into the equation. There may be other people similar financially embarrassed by these more extravagant plans so yiu may be doing her a favour by bringing a touch of reality into her planning.

Pollycat · 2 March 2021 at 4:58PM

My cousin had to cancel her hen weekend and her wedding because of the pandemic. We're now re-planning the hen-do but she wants to stay somewhere more expensive and invite more people, meaning some activities I've bought for won't work without spending more. The whole thing's now out of my price range, but I'm racked with guilt about telling her I can't come, as she was so crushed when she had to cancel everything. What should I do?

If you've had expenditure based on her previous hen party plans, I think she's being pretty selfish moving the goalposts.

But - it's really very, very simple.

If you can't afford to go, you can't afford to go.

The sooner you tell her so, the better.

(but then again, I have a very low opinion of people who plan expensive hen parties and lavish weddings and expect people to be able to afford to indulge their whims by assuming they will attend whatever it costs).

gran3 · 2 March 2021 at 8:50PM

No, tell her you cant go and leave it at that. You dont need to feel bad, she's being selfish. She should have asked if you could afford it.
You might find that others are waiting for the first one to break ranks and follow your lead.

REJP · 2 March 2021 at 9:35PM

Not a dilemma. Tell her you cannot afford to attend. This site is supposed to be about avoiding debt. So don't do something that puts you into debt. No problem.

74jax · 2 March 2021 at 9:57PM

If I'm reading it right the dilemma isn't if you go to the hen do, as you can't actually do it but if you say the reason why?
I can't see anything wrong in saying you can no longer afford it /no longer want to go / no longer make it.

Davro77 · 2 March 2021 at 10:02PM

Just because she can does not mean all invited can. Tell her you can't/won't afford it and you'll probably find others won't want that expense either, especially in these times.

gothvixen · 2 March 2021 at 10:15PM

Gender reveal parties will gradually fade away now that peoople are being killed by ridiculous stunts they plan. What's it going to take for people to stop holding stag and hen parties that span several days and involve enormous expense? I hoped the last year might encourage people to be more realistic and value smaller events with the people they care about most. Tell her you can't afford it, you won't be the only one after the financial difficulties people have been suffering. She has to face this realit, as lots of others won't be able to go, and you are family, so should do the right thing. Expecting others to pay a lot to be part of your celebration is immensely conceited.