Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my cousin I can't afford to attend her hen weekend?

ljcrighton

Yes, most definitely tell her. If she’s a real friend then she will understand. Maybe you could do something special with just her which you can afford. Don’t feel guilty, it’s good you manage your finances.

Spendless

If you can't afford it, then presumably you won't be going? So either you tell your cousin in advance you won't be attending, either with no explanation, or giving a reason such as finances or just don't turn up in which case surely your cousin will wonder what has happened to you? Or are you asking whether you should get into debt in order to attend?

andyplymouth

Clearly my husband and I missed a trick : when we got married we didn’t want our friends and family to be out of pocket so paid for everything we planned. To me, if you invite someone to something then it’s bad form to then expect them to pay.

For you I think honesty is the best policy, so tell your cousin you can’t afford it. Failing that, if you’re arranging everything, presumably you’re dealing with the finances too: could you up-charge everyone by enough to cover your costs? 

Katecooks

Friends who organise expensive hen/stag dos make me absolutely mad! It used to be a simple gathering or a cheap weekend away, but now everyone just wants to outdo their friends and that means have the one which costs the most. Tell your friend immediately that you can't afford it and say that others may feel the same (they definitely will) and ask her to re-consider so that everyone can be included  and afford the event without being resentful. If you don't, the wedding will be in some exotic place you can't afford and next they'll be a stupid and tedious 'gender reveal party' where you'll be expected to buy a large gift for an unborn baby (what happened to waiting until after the birth)? My friend was also 'crushed' when she had to cancel her hen do and postpone her wedding, but others have suffered far worse during the pandemic - a marriage is simply two people confirming they love each other and intend to remain together for the rest of their lives; it shouldn't leave friends feeling resentful at unnecessary expense.

Shibey

Without beating around the Bush, tell her gently but firmly that you can no longer afford to attend the hen party. You are family, and if she desperately wants you there, she may have some surplus budget to help get you there. Life happens; third lockdown. Attending the wedding, wedding present etc will be expensive in itself. 

algazr

Many will call me a curmudgeonly old git (guilty!) for posting this, but I ask this same question whenever there is talk of a wedding: why is it necessary, when two people get married, to ditch commonsense completely, and spend HUGE sums of money on what is in effect a glorified party? Ordinary couples - not a pair of millionaires - will seem to think it de rigueur to spend £10k-£30k on a blimmin' wedding, after which they'll settle down to the daily struggle to establish themselves in this sometimes harsh world. Insanity! Maybe it's a great day (and maybe it's not!), but that money could form a deposit on a house. If this is already taken care of (lucky them) then the money would furnish that house for them.
      The whole business of getting married has got completely out of hand, and now requires people to detach their brains completely before considering this matter. Even getting married with all the trimmings at the local church is no longer enough for some: it has to be on an iceberg off the coast of Greenland, accompanied by an audience of tame polar bears, or some such. Not only does it bankrupt the happy couple and/or their parents - but also the long-suffering guests who have to pay for chartering a helicopter to get them there.
    If your friends need to indulge in this sort of special lunacy, you have the wrong friends; ditch them: there's no reason why you should also spend the next eighty years paying off the debt that you incurred in order to be there. This is a classic no-brainer. 

Kim_kim

gothvixen said:

Gender reveal parties will gradually fade away now that peoople are being killed by ridiculous stunts they plan. What's it going to take for people to stop holding stag and hen parties that span several days and involve enormous expense? I hoped the last year might encourage people to be more realistic and value smaller events with the people they care about most. Tell her you can't afford it, you won't be the only one after the financial difficulties people have been suffering. She has to face this realit, as lots of others won't be able to go, and you are family, so should do the right thing. Expecting others to pay a lot to be part of your celebration is immensely conceited.

When I was young a stag or hen night was the local pub or nightclub & maybe a meal thrown in.  That was it, one night.  

Karen59

 Tell her you cannot afford the updated party plans, it is better in the long run. After what the country has been going through and the loss of so much finance from not working, she must be brought to understand the money is not there to waste. 

PeterJay

Whole thing's now out of my price range, but I'm racked with guilt about telling her I can't come, as she was so crushed when she had to cancel everything.

Tell her it’s too pricey. 

There will be others who can’t afford it and she may see them drop out too, later on, if she doesn’t choose a more affordable option.

Lizrobson

Suggest you all go down to the pub and then a take away afterwards. Just as much fun, and far cheaper!