Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my cousin I can't afford to attend her hen weekend?

hob_nob_bob

andyplymouth said:

For you I think honesty is the best policy, so tell your cousin you can’t afford it. Failing that, if you’re arranging everything, presumably you’re dealing with the finances too: could you up-charge everyone by enough to cover your costs? 

The OP should DEFINITELY not do this. I'd be livid if I were one of the other guests and it came to light that I'd funded some one else other than the bride (in my experience - and I've been to dozens of hen events - all guests contribute a little extra to cover the bride).

My advice is to tell the bride that you can no longer afford it now that the plans have changed. Treat her to a meal out or a spa day (or whatever nice thing you'd like to do together, in budget) when things open up again maybe?

ReneSt5

If you can afford to take part in a hen weekend that's less expensive then come up with some alternative ideas for her rather than just opting out. If she's a good friend I'm sure she'd rather have you there and will understand there's no need to spend a lot of money to have a great time.

crmism

In a situation like that, a bit of consultation beforehand on the part of your cousin wouldn't have come amiss to avoid misunderstandings and embarrassment. Be frank and explain to her that the extra expense would put the hen night beyond your means, and see what she says; she might not have realised the financial consequences of the change of plan and be open to suggestion, like limiting venue and numbers to what was envisaged before.

Pollycat

My cousin had to cancel her hen weekend and her wedding because of the pandemic. We're now re-planning the hen-do but she wants to stay somewhere more expensive and invite more people, meaning some activities I've bought for won't work without spending more. The whole thing's now out of my price range, but I'm racked with guilt about telling her I can't come, as she was so crushed when she had to cancel everything. What should I do?

I've had a rethink about the actual dilemma.

I originally thought it was just that the originator of the dilemma couldn't afford to attend the change-of-plan hen party.

What I think the situation is - but wasn't said in so many words - that the originator of the dilemma is organising (or helping to organise) the hen party and has incurred some expenditure based on what the original plans were but the new plans mean that the original plan won't now work.

Maybe it's something that say a group of 10 can do but not a group of 20. Or  a group in a tent can do but not a group in a 5* hotel.

I'm guessing the cost of these activities would have been spread over the number of attendees, same as travel and accommodation costs.

What's not clear - and as this is a MMD, we'll never get clarification - is whether the bride has actually invited more people.

I understand (from reading similar hen-party threads on here) that it's not uncommon for hen party attendees to fund the bride's costs.

If this is the case here, I think she's pretty rude to be up-scaling her event at the expense of her friends.

This still applies:

Pollycat said:

But - it's really very, very simple.

If you can't afford to go, you can't afford to go.

The sooner you tell her so, the better.

I'd tell her I can't afford to go based on the new proposed arrangements.

I'd abdicate responsibility for the ongoing organisation of the hen-party and hope (probably in vain) that I'd get whatever I've paid out back.

Pet60

Simple. You can't afford to go. Don't. If she's got any feelings she'll understand. If not, then, sounds like you wouldn't enjoy spending a weekend with her any time!! 

JanTheGran

Of course you should tell her. If she's a true friend, she'll understand and hopefully apologise for putting you in such an embarrassing position. You'll probably be doing all the other invitees a favour too. And you'll possibly be doing her a favour as starting married life up to the eyeballs in debt is not good for a harmonious relationship.

Indigo_and_Violet

Be upfront and honest that you can't afford it.
What outcome do you want? If you want to go back to the old plan then you could say explicitly you can't afford the new plans and it might cause a re-think. You might be able to work something out like I've done below. If you can't afford (or don't want to pay for) any of it anymore just say you're really sorry but circumstances have changed and you can't come any more. 
I don't know how far you'd have to travel, but I have a friend having a hen weekend where everyone is arriving on Saturday, doing an activity, going to dinner and a show, staying over in a rented house and then doing a big bottomless brunch on the Sunday. I've said I can't afford the whole thing as a) I can't and b) big drunken nights out (or mornings in ) aren't my scene. I've arranged that I'll get the train down to do the activity then come home before dinner. It might be really weird on the day to be leaving early, but it is what it is. A few girls have said to me they wish they could do the same.

Dizzybird_22

I'm guessing some of the extra cost are occurring due to the venues etc trying to make up for lost revenue. If you are helping to organise the hen do, you need to sit down with the bride as soon as possible and discuss the finances. Maybe even involve the other hens as they may be in the same boat.  
I'm admittedly an old dinosaur,  but my hen do was a meal out at a local restaurant. I was a bit extravagant and had two, one for family and one for work colleague. Who on earth started the whole "let's make a big weekend out of it" has a lot to answer for! 

BristolHannah

This is very tricky and not as easy as everyone saying “just tell her”, you clearly don’t want to hurt her feelings. Is it an option to say you can no longer afford to attend the whole weekend but you’d love to still come for some parts of it? 

REJP

Like several Forum members I too missed the point that the OP was helping to plan the hen party.
It is important that the OP tells the bride to be that she can no longer be part of planning this event and hand over that task to someone else who can afford to be involved.
It is only my opinion, but any person who increases the cost of such an event when millions of people are in financial difficulty caused by the Coronavirus pandemic is being thoughtless and selfish.  We only have to read again the details of increases in bills listed in this week's MSE News
to see how much extra money people are going to pay for Council Tax, telephone and TV charges etc to see how difficult life is going to be for people on low incomes.
OP is the only person who can resolve her dilemma.  My advice is to opt out now and save money for other things.