Childless Life

JennyW_2

DKLS wrote: »

Would it help to try and focus on the positives in your life rather than what is missing, I am very lucky, My DP, is as adamant as me that we don't want kids, I even had the snip so there wasn't any nasty surprises to ruin our lives.
All the parents I know are hardly a good advert for parent hood, they constantly look tired, have no spare money and no social life to speak of, stressed up to the eyeballs, with the latest drama in their offspring's life.
Using a ROI I dont see the value of kids.

my husband and I both decided that we didn't want children and this decision was made right at the start of our relationship. My husband has even had the snip in order that I don't need to take contraception.

We want our life for ourselves, to do as we please, to go where we please and to spend our money on ourselves and have a nice lifestyle. some people may think we're odd but it would be more selfish for us to have kids just because it was expected. I have no doubts that we would probably be great parents but that's not the route we desire. I'm an aunt to a neice and nephew and that's enough We have 2 dogs and they're my babies!

As DKLS says, try and focus on your life and making it rich with the things that you like and want to do. You and your husband obviously love each other. But if, at the end of the day, you're life isn't going to be fulfilled unless you have children then you'll have to make some tough decisions in your life

Yorkshire-Lady_3

First of all - !!{hugs}} as you are in a difficult position and there's no winner.

No doubt you've thought of 'accidentally' getting pregnant. I have heard mixed reports of this. Some accept it, others decide the woman has been devious, and the relationship breaks up. I guess it depends on how much you want to be a Mum.

Could you contemplate life without your DH? Which is easier, no baby or no hubby.

As a Mum of 3, and a childminder, I couldn't imagine my life without children. In MY opinion, and I appreciate others have equally as strong opinions, a child enhances a marriage in so many ways.

Good luck in whatever you decide,

Sally x

Becles

DKLS wrote: »

All the parents I know are hardly a good advert for parent hood, they constantly look tired, have no spare money and no social life to speak of, stressed up to the eyeballs, with the latest drama in their offspring's life.

awww I find that really sad

OP - you need to decide what you want, then explain to hubby how you feel. If you really want children and are not going to be truely happy without them, then he needs to know. Once all your true feelings and his true feelings are out in the open between you, between you, you can decide how best to proceed with life.

mrcow

Why_oh_why wrote: »

However, there are occassions when I just break down and think 'I am never going to have children'. How the heck do I 100% convince myself that it is never going to happen and to move on.

I know quite a few couples who are in a situation where children are never going to be on the cards. The difference between these couples and what you are saying is that BOTH partners are comfortable with this decision.

Perhaps I'm not the best one to post on here, as I have lots(!) of children and they have enriched my life in more ways than I could ever put into words and will continue to do so until I die (whatever that age will be!). I always think I wanted a family. But before we actually had children, I never went around daring to think about it too much,I guess because I had doubts that it would ever happen and what sort of mother I would make.

I don't believe that a marriage needs to suffer such sacrifices as you are making. You need to really search yourself as to whether this is REALLY the right decision for YOU. If you choose to go along with your husband, how do you think you may be feeling about it in 10 or 20 years? I think I personally would feel more than a little resentful.

What are his reasons for not wanting children? My boyfriend wasn't ready to start a family in the early stages either, but I think it was more a fear of the unknown (which we all have). Sorry I'm babbling.

Strapped

Yorkshire-Lady wrote: »

First of all - !!{hugs}} as you are in a difficult position and there's no winner.

No doubt you've thought of 'accidentally' getting pregnant. I have heard mixed reports of this. Some accept it, others decide the woman has been devious, and the relationship breaks up. I guess it depends on how much you want to be a Mum.

Could you contemplate life without your DH? Which is easier, no baby or no hubby.

As a Mum of 3, and a childminder, I couldn't imagine my life without children. In MY opinion, and I appreciate others have equally as strong opinions, a child enhances a marriage in so many ways.

Good luck in whatever you decide,

Sally x

Yorkshire-Lady has it spot on.

Mind you, if you married him knowing that he didn't want kids (ever) then it seems unfair to leave him because you DO want them. But you have to do what's right for YOU, not him. You can't live your life to make someone else happy at your expense, or it will make you resentful and bitter.

Js_Other_Half

Why_oh_why wrote: »

For various reasons it is not possible for us to have our own children. Therefore we had discussions about adopting. Unfortunately throughout the many many discussions it was clear to both of us that he was only considering adoption to keep me happy.

My heart goes out to you, I cannot imagine not at least having tried for a baby (who will turn into a teenager who hates us - I have no illusions on this subject ). However, are you grieving for your biological children or for never experiencing the full on love of a child?

He needs to know how you feel - regardless of how much it hurts him - otherwise how you both move forward together on this?
As others have said, respite care of a disabled child can be incredibly worthwhile, and can be as little as one or two nights a month.

<hugs>

Jo_R_2

Can I ask, out of curiosity, and without wishing to offer a viewpoint, more just so we know: did you marry DH hoping you would change his mind? You said:

"He does not want children. After many conversations I finally realised that he definitely did not want children and have kind of accepted this."

Or were you slightly unclear as to whether he definitely didn't want children and hoped he would change his mind?

I haven't been in this position but it sounds like it is hugely difficult so lots of hugs. I'm in a position where should I decide to settle down with someone (am a single parent with two young DDs) I need to decide whether I want to have any more and tbh the thought of it isn't something I always want to contemplate because I'm really not sure.

What has he said about why he doesn't want children when you have discussed it? I'm not necessarily advocating changing his mind, but is it more like he really doesn't want to consider it or there is something putting him off that could be worked on? Does he know the depth of your feelings?

conradmum

Why_oh_why wrote: »

Firstly I am really really sorry if this has been covered before but my brain is not where it should be and can't find any previous questions. Sorry!!

I have been married for 6 years and with hubbie for many extra years. He does not want children. After many conversations I finally realised that he definitely did not want children and have kind of accepted this. However, there are occassions when I just break down and think 'I am never going to have children'. How the heck do I 100% convince myself that it is never going to happen and to move on.

Divorce is not a possibility as, despite his many faults, he is one of the nicest guys you could ever meet!

(I know that I do not post on here very often - I am lurker rather than a writer - and appreciate it if you wonderful guys would rather ignore me )

It sounds to me as though you're really, really struggling here, and to be honest I don't think you're ever going to be able to 'move on.' The maternal urge (if you have it) is incredibly strong. Giving birth is often extremely painful, caring for babies can be beyond exhausting. The downsides are endless, yet most women want and continue to have children even when they know exactly what it entails. It's because fulfilling that urge feels wonderful. I'm not going to go on about the joys of parenthood because that will only make you feel worse, but there are very good reasons for feeling the way that you do.

I wish I could tell you how to overcome your feelings but it's like telling you how to overcome loving your husband. These things are not influenced by intellectual reasoning or rational arguments. Perhaps as you get older and your hormones diminish you may not feel so strongly?

Can you continue in this way without becoming bitter and resentful? Will it affect your marriage? Will denying yourself the possibility of children make you always depressed? Or can you find something or someone else to nurture that will fulfill your urge to some extent? Maybe your husband will be prepared to do something that will help you with your feelings. I am so sorry for you and I hope you manage to work through this.

Running_Horse

Why_oh_why wrote: »

Divorce is not a possibility as, despite his many faults, he is one of the nicest guys you could ever meet!

Will that be enough when you are old and without grandchildren? I faced a similar decision in my life, and took the tougher choice to be single and look for someone who also wanted to be a parent. I am now the proud daddy of the most amazing little girl in the world, and happily married. If he was really such a nice guy he would understand how important this is to you. And sadly, yes, divorce is a possibility.

the_other_mce

What a difficult situation you are in. Me and DH thought we didn't want kids and were together for 15 years before we had our first!! I sort of realised that I didn't want to get old and never have had a family (if that makes sense). O/h could see what I meant and we decided to go for it. 2 kids later we are so happy (touch wood!)
You need to decide how you will feel in the future - there is a chance you may feel 'cheated' out of being a parent by sticking with your partner and come to resent this.
Whatever happens you have to make the right choice for YOU - not anyone else.
HTH