Childless Life

Melodyx

I think one thing to remember is that feelings change over time. Things that once made you happy can suddenly or slowly make you unhappy and depressed and things that you hated you can come to love. Of course you can't predict how your feelings will change over time. I never wanted children, but was excited when I got pregnant. Then had several years of what was probably post-natal depression (didn't realise it at the time), felt totally trapped at the loss of freedom and identity, lost all confidence and life was just a struggle. I loved my husband and he made me really happy, but gradually I realised how different we were and how miserable our relationship was. If I put my hand on my heart, I still could not say if our relationship would have broken down if we hadn't had children. I loved him very dearly, and maybe if I hadn't had the children I would have avoided the depression and other problems I suffered in the early years which may have contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. Also all the effort of everything being for the children puts so much pressure on the relationship. So there are no guarantees about anything - you could not have a child and come to feel happy about this in time (as a close friend of mine has) as you have a really good relationship which is the most wonderful thing to celebrate! How many people are lucky enough to have that? Or you could leave your husband and not find a better relationship. You could have a child with someone else and it might not live up to your expectations. Anything can happen, to us and our feelings. My advice is to relax, enjoy your relationship, and watch if your feelings change over time.

Softstuff

I'm half of a very happy childfree couple, neither of us wants our own. It doesn't mean we're bad with kids, it's just not what we want to do.

A quick read around some of the threads on kids in this very board is enough to assure me we've made the right choice for us!

It might be worth looking around at some other childfree forums, there are a few out there, just to give you some perspective on that alternative way of life, and what people who make the choice to be childfree feel and gain from that decision.

As for the poster who mentioned "accidentally" falling pregnant - if there was a more surefire way to create hate and mistrust whilst dooming a relationship, I can't imagine what that would be.

the_tired_one

Just wondering if you both 'agreed' on a no-kids policy prior to getting married.

OR weather one of you has had a change of heart since?

If your husband is the one to renage - I'd probably look elsewhere - you cant fight maternal instinct!

butterflylady

I've been with my OH 5 and a half years. I have always wanted children however when I was 16 (26 now) I lost a baby and went on to be told I would be unlikely to have children.

So when we got together I told OH this and he accepted this even though he did want kids, 18 months into our relationship I had to have surgery and investigations in regards to undiagnosied pelvic pain, it remained undiagnoised!! However again the message was it would be hard if not impossible for me to have children.

Again all the time OH said it didn't matter he would stay with me.

Just over 2 years ago we moved in together and talked again about children but nothing was agreed, then at Easter 2006 my OH said come off the pill and see what happens, after a very stressful 6 months I was very lucky and got pregnant!! After a stressful 9 months falling down the stairs, exposure to chicken pox before I was 12 weeks pregnant (not good!!) I had my son in June this year.

I am very lucky that my other half didn't walk away when I first told him I didn't think I could have children and very lucky that he pushed me into trying cos I don't think I would have been brave enough on my own.

We have talked about trying for number 2 next year, as unfortunately in October I lost a very early pregnancy at about 5 weeks. I still feel horrible about the baby's I've lost but I'm lucky that I have one child and have had the support to try and succed.

However if my OH is honest he would have ended the relationship at some stage if I hadn't at least tried to have a baby and to be honest I wouldn't have stopped him as I know how strongly he felt about it.

anonymousie

Why_oh_why wrote: »

For various reasons it is not possible for us to have our own children. Therefore we had discussions about adopting. Unfortunately throughout the many many discussions it was clear to both of us that he was only considering adoption to keep me happy.

I know it is not quite the same but we got a dog 3 years ago - I started thinking about how our conversations about child adoption were progressing in comparison to taking on the dog, and it was basically a case of - well I am doing this because it is what you want!! Our dog is very independent (even though he can also be very clingy). However, I do not feel that I could adopt a child for myself, and with my husband agreeing 'because it is the right thing to do'. Hubbie finally admitted that he was only considering adoption because it would keep me happy.

I think he is basically too set in his ways - us being together for 12 years; I do not want to upset him by telling him about reality, therefore, he is happy to continue his life the way it is.

If the status quo isn't going to change would some relationship counselling help you express you feelings in an adult to adult way and try to xcome to terms with it??
THe "doing it to keep you happy" mindset isn't going to work from any angle as it is and "adult-child" view of the world....

catkins

When I met my now husband he told me he did not want children. At the time I had always imagined having at least 2. I married him because I loved him so much and I must be honest part of me thought I may change his mind. We discussed having children at great length and he was absolutely adamant he did not want any. I realised that if I tried to get him to change his mind we would end up splitting up and I did not want that.

Also in our discussions we both agreed that we thought the planet was already overpopulated, that neither of us felt that the world was a very nice place to bring a child into and also that we could not possibly have afforded for me to give up work to look after a child (I earned an awful lot more than him in those days). There is no way I would have wanted to work with a baby and obviously he was not going to offer to be a househusband.

So we agreed that having children was not for us and he had a vasectomy. He was only early 20's so that was not easy. Anyway 28 years on - very very happily married and hand on heart I do not regret for one second our choice. We have lovely neices and nephews that we can spoil. We can have them stay with us but then they go home (bliss). I have seen so many of our friends and relatives marriages break up and the majority of them seem to blame having children. I also have lost count of how many women have told me that as much as they love their child/children, if they could go back in time they would not have any.

FrenchMaid_2

Before I met dh I never wanted kids and even for the first years of our marriage I didn't want to. Then because it meant so much to him I reluctantly agreed. I was worried I would behave like my own mother and ran away and I struggled immensly with pregnancy, was hospitalised several times, bluelighted into hospital 3 times, fell down the stairs at 34 weeks - but my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me - love her to bits and now want another child!

RoxieW

Hi whyohwhy

I would listen to hugoSP. Many men, and women, decided that they dont want children but when that child is 'real' its a whole other story and you find love that you never thought possible. It sounds to me like your OH isn't DEAD set against the idea or he wouldn't consider it even to make you happy. My hubby didn't want kids. When I fell pregnant (contraception failed - believe me it definately wasn't one of those accidently on purpose jobbies!) he felt so strongly that he wanted me to have an abortion and when I decided that I wouldn't he wanted to split. It was the hardest decision of my life. Lose the man I love or my baby. Basically, he panicked. I had baby, he stayed and we are BOTH soooo glad i didn't allow him to make that decision. He absolutely adores our son and we both think our boys are wonderful (we now have two, 9 months apart - he wanted another!!) He's an amazing dad and husband and our lives would have much less joy without kids.

I would say to you that you get one life - one chance at the happy life you deserve. You want children, that is clear or you wouldn't be posting on here. He needs to know how much.

Dont have a child and you'll live a life of regret, what ifs and looking at toddlers and children with longing. Have a child and, even without husband, you're unlikely to ever regret that decision. Not many people do!!

affordmylife

You poor love. What a dilemma.

My partner and i had two children each when we met. So already four kids in the family so to speak.

As i adored this man i desperately wanted his child and our child together.

He desperately did not want any more children.

After five years of discussion and upset and tears an accident occured. Although it broke my heart i took the morning after pill because i couldnt do that to him as it would break his heart. The pill didnt work and we had a daughter.

She is his shadow. The light of his life. At the moment they are snuggled up together on the sofa watching the morcambe and wise show which i am alone on my chair on here. Every now and again they say i love you to each other and have a little kissy. They are completely inseparable and i wouldnt have it any other way. We are the happiest little family of 3 plus four older kids you could imagine. She is now 8 years old and i have no regrets and i know he doesnt either.

I wish you well in your decision. I only know I couldnt have lived without having my kids. They are my life.

Would it be rude to ask if your husband can have children in any way? Or is this avenue closed to you completely?

ScotTot

Dear Why oh why and all you other kind MSEers,

First post (long-time lurker!) and sorry it's a negative one - no-one seems to have considered yet that you might not have a choice in being childless? Without wanting to hijack this thread, we've been trying to have a baby for 6 years - 3 early miscarriages later, we've been told we're unlikely to concieve naturally again, but my last miscarriage is too recent (2006) for NHS funding for IVF and I'll be too old for funding (39) by the time this isn't an issue. Given there's a 90% chance IVF wouldn't work anyway, I'm starting to wonder if now is the time to give up the last shreds of hope - sorry, bit emotional at the moment.

What I really meant to say to the OP, if having children is a reason to leave a relationship, there's always the possibility that children may never happen.

Oh, and Merry Christmas!