Childless Life

Kimberley

Running_Horse wrote: »

If he was really such a nice guy he would understand how important this is to you. And sadly, yes, divorce is a possibility.

He shouldn't have a child just because of her feelings though, it has to be a joint decision or the relationship could break down with her ending up as a single mum, but then again he may change his mind.

consultant31

DKLS wrote: »

I love a good comment like your first, I am used to it :rolleyes:

Believe it or not and I think this is where some parents struggle to understand, being child free does not have to lead to an unfulfilled life full of regret and guilt.

I am perfectly happy being child free, as I have the time, money and freedom to do what I want, the only benefit I can see is being looked after in old age, but then again, as other posters have stated the first sign that you are putting the electrical kettle on a gas hob and dribbling, you will be carted off to a home quicksharp, followed by regular visits due to guilt which quickly tail off to mothers day, birthday and xmas.

Ahh the joy kids, great for some and I wouldnt knock anyone for having them, but not for me.

No, you misunderstand me - I have no doubt that if you don't want children, you shouldn't have them. They are a lifetime's commitment and require lots of love.....and not a little money:). What I took issue with was the way you put it - refering to children as "nasty surprises" and being "unable to see the value of kids"!

I'd also take issue with the fact that at the first sign of dementia your children will "cart you off to a home and visit only from guilt" - is this how you see your relationship with your own parents? If so I think there's definitely something missing from your life and I feel quite sorry for you.

At the same time, I certainly don't think you should have children to look after you in your old age - that's a very selfish reason!

Morglin

I would try fostering - I've known some fantastic foster parents, and they all enjoy what they do.

Christmas is a time (due to the hype), when what we haven't got is bought sharply into focus, whatever it is - children can be wonderful (and a nightmare), but there are advantages to not having any.

If, the rest of the year, you are quite content without children, I would just enjoy Christmas, and accept that children don't necessarily make it perfect.

Best wishes.

Lin

RoxieW

catkins, the very title of this thread with sad face suggests to me that the OP would regret not having exploring further her options with having children.

kay41_2

I've read this thread with huge interest. When I got married 15 yrs ago, I told my husband I wasn't sure I wanted children whereas he was desperate for them. I was ill for the first 3 years of our marriage and could barely look after myself let alone contemplate bringing a child into the world to look after.

My hormones kicked in after approx 6 years of marriage and I became desperate for a baby, having spent two years using no contraception and not even a hint of pregnancy. It still took me well over a year of being obsessed with pregnancy to get pregnant and luckily all went well, I held onto the baby and she is a gorgeous little thing. But my husband did find it hard to face up to my rapid change of mind and then the urgency with which I approached it! I had to have a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy and hydrosalpingogram (hope those are spelled right!) to check all was well and it was.

Had I had a baby when I was younger I would definitely have had more (hubby wanted 3) but as it is, we just had one. She is great, and a very good child, and we have travelled extensively with her because we have just one. BUT I could never have done it if he hadn't been in agreement. Children can put a huge strain on even the best relationship because of the tiredness and the whole 24/7 ness of them. I guess you have to weigh up what is more important, the relationship or the baby (which is an unknown quantity - sex, personality, temperament, ability etc) - there is no guarantee that you will even get on with your child!

The one thing no one has pointed out is that nowadays, and I hate to say it, but the only children generally put up for adoption are those who have been taken away from their parents, or whose parents have handed them to the authorities because they can't cope. This is very controversial but true. No mother now has to go through with a pregnancy that is unwanted, so the children that are put up for adoption have been taken away by the local authority because the mother cannot cope, or the child is on the child protection register (for any number of reasons) or there is abuse in the family etc. A child from this background is likely to have many problems, whether inherent problems from the parents e.g. mother was a drug addict or alcholic which affects the baby's health and future. A child that has been abused or neglected by the parents before being taken away is likely to have profound emotional and possibly physical damage which can be almost impossible to erase. In a nutshell, the likelihood of getting a lovely happy smiley perfect baby fresh from the delivery suite to adopt with no ongoing problems is virtually zero as they basically rarely get put up for adoption. Fostering is another option, but I would say the same thing, a child who is fostered is very likely to come from a problematic background and comes often with a huge set of behavioural and emotional problems, that can be extremely hard to deal with. The other option is adopting a child from overseas, but again you could be taking on a whole new set of problems, not only cultural, but healthwise and emotionally.

Why oh why - you have a really hard decision to make, but don't assume that having a child is everything. For me, I didn't see much point in being married if we didn't have a baby (no logic to this I know) even though it was in my plans when we got married.

I also got really p**sed off with insensitive old relatives constantly asking me why I didn't have children and didn't I want them? I used to think - 'we've been together for 12 years, assume we either can't have them, are trying, or don't want them', and none of these reasons are anything to do with anyone else. There's a lot to be said for a good man! Have you explored with him why he doesn't want children, and would he feel differently if you were able to have your own?

I hope you don't think my comments about adoption and fostering above are harsh, but they are based on many years working with the relevant services and I have seen adopted children handed back to the authorities with a suitcase when the parents decided they didn't want them anymore, children born with profound difficulties to alcoholic mothers, children with terrible behavioural probelms due to being abused, and babies taken from mothers at birth because they are at risk of harm.

Sorry this is such a long post, but it is quite a subject for me. I hope you feel there is support on this forum for you and you are not in such an unusual situation. Having a baby is a joint decision and as such should be a decision you both feel happy about, not for one to go along with to keep the other happy. If one isn't totally convinced, it could be tricky later. Mind you I know of many men who were ambivalent towards their partner's unexpected pregnancy and completely changed once the baby arrived. I tcan also happen the other way, and the woman changes so much when she becomes a mother that the husband really resents the baby and it ultimately splits them up. Good luck, and why not look into adoption and fostering and see how you feel. Adoption is a very long process and very invasive.

UglyBetty

What an unenviable position to be in. Unfortunately such fundamental differences in a relationship (where one wants children and the other does not) won't go away. Either way one partner will be significantly affected. If counselling cannot help you come to a resolution it may help you to decide as a couple and as individuals, where your futures lie. Please, Please, do NOT apply to foster or adopt. This is a process that explores, in depth, your relationships, your family background and experiences and your motivation to adopt or foster. The process can be emotionally draining and some couples have been known to split up when unresolved, rarely discussed issues inevitably come to light. The process must inevitably be tough as placing children who have already experienced broken relationships at best and physical, emotional and sexual abuse at worst, is a considerable responsibility. Furthermore looking after such children will soon test even the most established relationship and authorities do try to minimise the number of placements children experience (It is a service for children after all).
So in conclusion, my heartfelt sympathies go out to you, but as other posters have said you must decide how you reconcile your strong desire for children with a partner who is equally opposed. My personal view is that something so fundamental is not easily resolved. You both need to start talking & listening. Good luck, let us know how you get on.

kay41_2

Ugly Betty - glad that you are thinking along the same lines as me. Adoption opportunities are simply not what they used to be, for very good reason and it can be a very flawed solution to childlessness. I do not envy anyone who is childless if they don't want to be - it is a heartbreaking situation. Also, so ironic, when as a woman you spend probably at least 10 years trying not to get pregnant and then when you want to, mother nature gets her own back. A lot of people 'plan' babies as if they are planning a new outfit for a wedding and are very vocal about trying for a family and it can be bitterly disappointing. Life just ain't like that for many people!

Melodyx

Why Oh Why, what do you think about all these responses?

roxalana

OK - here's my two pence worth.

I am in a very similar situation.

When I initially met my partner (7 and a half years ago) I was adament I didn't want kids as I never felt remotely maternal (though I was only 18 at the time!) and felt I could not never be responsible enough to be a parent.
We discussed the fact he didn't want kids either when we got together and we would not have dated had I wanted children.

Four years later my neice was born and since then I have wanted children more than anything else in the world. To those that don't feel it, it's hard to to explain but the feeling is so strong I feel a part of me is missing to the point it aches! I know it sounds stupid written down but it is true.

To try and dissuade myself I have worked with children with a focus on those with behavioural issues to make sure I am not looking at things through rose tinted specs, which I would recommend to others in a similar situation, but for me it made my feelings stronger than ever and in fact I had to leave my job as I found it too painful to continue.

As you can probably guess I made the opposite decision to the one the OP seems to be making and told my partner our relationship would have to end if he didn't want children (as I did not want to follow his advice to 'accidentally get pregnant and he'd probably deal with it'!!!!) and he has now said our relationship is more important than not having kids to him. I am prepared for the fact he may change his mind if we do have children...

I think as others have said my advice for the OP has to be to have a good think about which is most important - partner or trying to have kids. Remember you have to consider what will ahppen if you don't meet a like minded partner or you can't have kids naturally or if you break up and he ahs kids with someone else... I knew I had to try or I would regret it forever.

Unfortuantely, it leads to difficult decisions which only the OP can decide on. I am happy for the OP to PM me if they want.

airhostess

Hi,

Very interesting thread. Just to say that I know a lady who had a baby fairly late in life (little boy is 7 and she's in her late 40's). She has the baby with a gay man. I am not sure if she knew he was gay at the time they had the baby, (he isn't obviously gay) but she does now and they are no longer in a relationship. However, they live next door to each other, they have an adjoining door in between the properties so the little boy can go between his mum's & dad's houses, and both parents are have boyfriends. Not the most conventional relationship, but both parents seem happy with the situation as does the little boy who is really intelligent and well adjusted.

I read so much about women complaining that their partners are not good husbands/fathers/breadwinners etc - how can men cope with such demands? How can women expect one man to be the be-all and end-all, and to give them everything they need and want out of life? Maybe that is too much to demand of one person?

I also read a thread earlier of a poster dispairing at his partner's lack of sex drive. It seems that lots of women's sex drives diminish after pregnancy, and can cause relationship problems. If the man was reluctant to have a child in the first place, that would surely make the problem 100% worse...
Lots of women's sex drives seem to change for no reason, and come and go. Men have to like it or lump it if they want to stay in the relationship. Either that, or women are made to feel that they have a 'problem' that they need to rectify, which is not fair on them either.

Relationships are unfair on men and women. Inevitably, both parties end up dissppointed over something. Relationships are full of compromise. Maybe the real compromise is to have children outside of relationships? Not saying that every childless woman needs to bag a gay man, I am sure there are lots of childless straight men out there who want to be a father.

With so many relationships breaking down, and children eperiencing the pain and bitterness that their parents suffer during relationship breakdown, I can't help but think women and men might be better off having children with someone that they aren't in a relationship with.

I know this idea will spark a lot of controversy - but wouldn't it be novel if women approached the having children idea when they were single, and instead of looking for 'Mr Right', looked for someone whom they thought would make an excellent father, and who would be honoured/ecstatic at the thought of being chosen on that basis?

Just a different idea... I'd love to know everyone's thoughts.

AH