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Childless Life

Firstly I am really really sorry if this has been covered before but my brain is not where it should be and can't find any previous questions. Sorry!!

I have been married for 6 years and with hubbie for many extra years. He does not want children. After many conversations I finally realised that he definitely did not want children and have kind of accepted this. However, there are occassions when I just break down and think 'I am never going to have children'. How the heck do I 100% convince myself that it is never going to happen and to move on.

Divorce is not a possibility as, despite his many faults, he is one of the nicest guys you could ever meet!

(I know that I do not post on here very often - I am lurker rather than a writer - and appreciate it if you wonderful guys would rather ignore me :o)
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Comments

  • flizzy
    flizzy Posts: 89 Forumite
    What are his reasons?

    Have you discussed adoption or foster care with him perhaps as an alternative to having your own?
  • jopsey
    jopsey Posts: 840 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    Does he know your views ?

    Myself and Dp split up on a few occasions because I wanted children and he didn't , DP has son from previous realationship .

    like you I found it hard but accepted it , didn't want to spend my life without him and just got on with things until one day out of the blue DP had a sudden change of heart , tommorrow it's our little boy's first playschool play he is 2 1/2 and is a typical toddler some days I understand where DP was coming from ,but now its him who wants another........NO WAY !!!
  • For various reasons it is not possible for us to have our own children. Therefore we had discussions about adopting. Unfortunately throughout the many many discussions it was clear to both of us that he was only considering adoption to keep me happy.

    I know it is not quite the same but we got a dog 3 years ago - I started thinking about how our conversations about child adoption were progressing in comparison to taking on the dog, and it was basically a case of - well I am doing this because it is what you want!! Our dog is very independent (even though he can also be very clingy). However, I do not feel that I could adopt a child for myself, and with my husband agreeing 'because it is the right thing to do'. Hubbie finally admitted that he was only considering adoption because it would keep me happy.

    I think he is basically too set in his ways - us being together for 12 years; I do not want to upset him by telling him about reality, therefore, he is happy to continue his life the way it is.
  • Doozergirl
    Doozergirl Posts: 34,082 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Why don't you look at fostering then? In my area you can have children as a form of respite care, whic means you take them for as little as one weekend a month. It may not be right for the both of you, but it's worth looking at. Maybe it will have a positive impact on your OH. We'd like to do it but we don't have a spare room and I think my littlest is just a bit too small for us to cope well with it.

    We have close family that have failed in their efforts :( and they steal my biggest kid quite often now, which I don't mind at all :o
    Everything that is supposed to be in heaven is already here on earth.
  • Savvy_Sue
    Savvy_Sue Posts: 47,465 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Well, it seems you have a choice: upset him by telling him about reality, or be upset yourself. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but only you can make that decision ...
    Signature removed for peace of mind
  • Thank you ever so much for the replies.

    Savvy_Sue - your comments are not harsh - I have (even if it doesn't sound like it) accepted that it is me that is going to be upset with the choices in our relationship but I would rather upset myself than hurt hubbie. Fostering might be a good idea - hubbie is actually very good with children (which is part of the frustration) but he might well be able to handle a short term arrangement.

    I also know that I have a strong family support from my parents - even if they are a distance away - and hubbies parents.

    Thank you again. Will get cracking on fostering research and persuasion of hubbie :j
  • HugoSP
    HugoSP Posts: 2,467 Forumite
    The only male in this conversation........

    Shortly after we married my wife broached the subject about children. TBH I knew she might want them but I was hoping we would continue on a few years without. I didn't want children, or at least I thought I didn't.

    We agreed to one, For me it was the nappies - the thought of changing them made my stomach turn.

    As my wife fell pregnant, the exitement grew, but I definitely did not want to be there for the birth - to me that was going to be worst than the nappies. Some 12 months later she went into labour, and despite the fact that her mother was there to help her through the birth, I ended up staying, the exitement was completely overpowering.

    DD1 came along at 10.45pm, after a whole day. I cried with absolute joy for days afterwards. I tried to thank the student doctor who stayed there for the whole time, from early in the morning to the birth, and delivered her (his first delivery), but I was too emotional.

    So, here you have a complete turnaround from "I don't want children" to "WOW"

    We now have another born 2 years later.

    Our life did change, there was no doubt it would.

    I think most men are worried about the nappies, smell, noise and extra responsibility, and committment. Not every man will come around the way I did, however I think working in the voluntry sector with children is definitely the way to go for the OP, and maybe her husband - just see how you feel.
    Behind every great man is a good woman
    Beside this ordinary man is a great woman
    £2 savings jar - now at £3.42:rotfl:
  • PasturesNew
    PasturesNew Posts: 70,698 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    I've never wanted them. Not got a maternal bone in my body.
    And the whole thing of squeezing a melon out of something the size of a peach is something I couldn't possibly contemplate!

    :)
  • ailuro2
    ailuro2 Posts: 7,540 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    Would you be able to have children with someone else?

    If not, then I suggest you have counselling to help you to grieve for those children you could not have but have thought about all your younger life- it is a very hard reality to accept, and there is help available.

    If you could have kids without DH, then you need to decide what is more important, and live with that decision. Mother Nature is hard to ignore.
    Member of the first Mortgage Free in 3 challenge, no.19
    Balance 19th April '07 = minus £27,640
    Balance 1st November '09 = mortgage paid off with £1903 left over. Title deeds are now ours.
  • DKLS
    DKLS Posts: 13,461 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Would it help to try and focus on the positives in your life rather than what is missing, I am very lucky, My DP, is as adamant as me that we don't want kids, I even had the snip so there wasn't any nasty surprises to ruin our lives.
    All the parents I know are hardly a good advert for parent hood, they constantly look tired, have no spare money and no social life to speak of, stressed up to the eyeballs, with the latest drama in their offspring's life.
    Using a ROI I dont see the value of kids.
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