Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my girlfriend to repay me or let it go?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

 My girlfriend owes me about £2,000 for previous holidays, rent, house bills, weddings etc. Most have been small amounts, but have accumulated over time. Whenever I raise the topic of money with her, she gets very defensive and quite aggressive. Other than this, we have a really good relationship and I don't want to end it over a money issue.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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pphillips

I think the question is whether you lent her money, which she agreed that she would repay. She might have thought that at the time they were gifts and is annoyed that you are now asking to be reimbursed.

NBLondon

If it's small amounts over time - it may well have been assumed to be gifts rather than loans and chasing them won't get you very far.   So the question is then - how do you make it clear the next time that you are expecting repayment?

JGB1955

So... the next time you are invited to a wedding (that may be a LONG time away) ask your girlfriend what she is thinking about buying as your joint gift. Why is she not contributing to rent or house bills if she lives with you?  Sounds like you're a push-over.
Tell her that you're considering a volunteer National Trust holiday (building dry stone walls).  If she says she's thinking about a holiday in the Maldives say 'oh wow, that's a really nice idea, shall I pay for the taxi to the airport'?

CookieMonster

Too late for past monies. Let it go, unless it was agreed that she was to pay you back.
If she owes you for rent and bills; that's a very bad sign for the future. She's a partially-kept woman from your description.
You need to have the conversation and be very clear on the situation going forward, 50/50 contribution. Equality. 
If you can't talk to her about money without her getting defensive or aggressive then you will have other - and probably more serious - communication issues in the future.

Pollycat

Anybody who gets defensive and aggressive over money they owe you when you try to discuss it with them should be consigned to history.
Regardless of how well you get on otherwise.

REJP

Most arguments in long term relationships are about money.
If your girlfriend gets angry before you are married, if that is what you are planning, then you should think carefully about the future and if you can put up with aggression when money matters are discussed.  Personally I would end the relationship now and get on with your life.  Let her find someone who doesn't mind aggression.  If she can, that is.

goldlemontree

You need to have a sit down with her and explain to her that she owes you a fair bit of money and if she was aware that she needed to pay you back, that you need to figure out how she can start paying you back in small amounts or you won’t be paying for anything else significant! It’s a difficult convo, but if it’s a serious relationship and you’re both mature adults, then you’ll both work it out - and if she gets defensive you need to be firm and tell her she won’t be getting any more hand outs in future. I’m sure you’d even be happy to let it go if she had the bloody decency to say that she intends to but is finding it difficult to get the money together etc 

hwadsworth52

If you don’t want the relationship to end over money matters, why are you asking for advice?

Terry10R

Agree with all of the above comments.Recipe for disaster. You are being used.
Bin her. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Good luck

cwc1899

If you love her, then love conquers all things and you have to let go what is in the past. Too late for that, however, you must now make it clear to her that she needs to start contributing in her own right and you cannot struggle along any further.
If she doesn’t want to comply, then you need to also let her go however hard it may be. She is using you as her ‘cash-cow’ and someone like you; a kind soul; will find somebody much more worthy.