Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my partner to contribute to Christmas gifts for my family?

MARGE_2

unless your partner put in the 2 gifts to the value of £50 each ( which is pretty high tbf )  if it’s prob best to do it all separate this year! You do your famalam and he do secret Santa! 

Spendless

I'm guessing the real issue what some other posters have pointed out, isn't that you are buying gifts seperately. It is whether you are RECEIVING them too.
If OP has bought just for her side and they have only bought for her, then no issue. Say you don't want to participate on your OH's side.
If OP's family have bought for both of them (and I tend to mean seperate presents, not a joint couple one) then the OP is being put in the position where her OH receives gifts from her side of the family, but she doesn't  receive any from his unless she spends a further £50.
If OH then pays the extra £50 on behalf of the original poster he then pays £100 which might be way more than he would have originally spent on his family members (dependng on how many is in it and how much he'd have spent).

What about a 50/50 split, and you both contribute £25 each to you participating in SS. That way You don't pay the full amount to 'enter' and your OH doesn't double what he spends. 

I'm reading this thinking I've overlooked something here, but it's still too early in the morning and making my head buzz -lol. 

Pollycat

Aranyani said:

I don't think there's any common definition of what partner means, it certainly doesn't mean they definitely live together! 

Being married so soon is very unusual these days in most cultures in Britain, so the norms of a married couple shouldn't really be applied to a couple who are't and are quite new in their relationship.  I agree that if you do get married then the costs of gifts for the extended family should be considered a household cost. 

And it's not uncommon for posters to misrepresent the facts.

I've seen posts that refer to 'my wife', 'my husband' and it turns out somewhere down the line that they aren't actually married.

Of course, this being a MSE MMD, there will be no clarification on that fact.

One wonders why the originator of the dilemma doesn't just ask her/his partner what they think is fair.

Gloria_Steeth

tacpot12 said:

It really is a clever idea to invite the OP to participate in the Secret Santa - leaving aside who pays.

£50 is quite an expensive gift, so the OP will not want to 'spend' that much money unwisely, even if her partner actually pays the cost of participation as I suggested. They can't ask the recipient what they would like because it is a 'Secret' Santa, so they will have to ask other members of the family about the person they are allocated to buy for. It's a great way to integrate the OP into a new family!

With any luck she'll pick her partner's name out of the Secret Santa hat!!  OP's clearly feeling uncertain enough about it to be writing to MSE for advice, without having to find out whether Great Aunt Agatha would prefer £50 lavender bath salts or a parachute jump experience.

OP,

IMHO the original agreement still stands: his family, he sorts out their presents. Up to him whether he pays £50 for a joint present from/to both of you, or £100 for individual ones. 

ThomasTraherneII

Ask yourself 3 questions:

1 - Can you afford an extra £50?

2 - How important is your partner to you?

3 - What would happen to your relationship with your partner if you upset his family by refusing to take part?

Pollycat

ThomasTraherneII said:

Ask yourself 3 questions:

1 - Can you afford an extra £50?

2 - How important is your partner to you?

3 - What would happen to your relationship with your partner if you upset his family by refusing to take part?

Any family that got upset by someone declining to take part in an expensive gift buying scheme - announced at pretty short notice assuming the OP contacted MSE pretty soon after - is not worth bothering about. IMHO.

I'm one of those people that doesn't agree with buying for people 'just because it's Christmas' and put a stop to it when it got to the point of pointless swapping of bottles of wine or boxes of chocolate.

But if you are going to change the rules on gift buying, you should give people plenty of time. Not announce it less than 4 weeks to Christmas Day.

maisie_cat

Torry_Quine said:

It seems very strange to me that you'd each buy for your own family. Never mind the £50 for Secret Santa. Surely a couple aren't dividing presents up so precisely.

When our relationship was newer & before we stopped all this present buying stupidity we each bought for our own families. I'm one of 7 siblings with 10 nieces & nephews and he is an only child. Eventually the kids grew up and we all stopped buying tat for each other. It was my mum that suggested stopping the present buying for everybody, now she just does for the youngest 2 in their 30s.

Fitzmichael

Where does it say "partners and I may well be old fashioned"? What kind of 'pressure' is the partner exerting? Anyway, if s/he is acting like that, and in less than 2 years, s/he had better get out because, if not, the partner's demands will only increase.
Really, this is so stupid that I think it's another scam by MSE - what on earth for? In any case, if they get constant questions, isn't there one that is genuinely puzzling?

REJP

No.  If you have £50 to spare put it into savings for car repairs or other emergencies.  Secret Santa is nothing to do with the real point of Christmas which people seem to have forgotten.

HalfCut

As my daughter often reminds me......1st world problems!