Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my partner to contribute to Christmas gifts for my family?

MSE_Sarah

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

 This is my second Christmas with my partner, and we'd planned to each buy our own family's gifts and put both names on them. However, his family now want to do a Secret Santa, where each person buys just one other person a present, with a £50 limit. I feel pressure to be involved, but will have to spend another £50 on his family, having bought all my family's presents myself. So should I ask him to contribute to what I've spent?

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NBLondon

Surely if the agreement was to each buy for your own family - then partner is in the Secret Santa and he pays the £50.  The thing to discuss is then whether that's a present signed from both of you or just from him; and whether the return present is likely to be just for him or for a couple.  Partner contributing to presents for your family is a separate issue that was previously agreed.

tacpot12

I would suggest that he pays £50 for himself and £50 for you. He should be spending his money on his family, which if both you and he are getting a present from his family of c. £50 value means he should be paying £100 for presents for his family. 

elsien

You don't need to be feeling pressure to be involved - just tell your partner to leave you out of it this time round and he can do the secret santa bit himself.
Otherwise it's all getting a bit complicated. I would ask if you're living together, but there's no point with these anonymous questions as it's always just half the story. 

JGB1955

£50 for a Secret Santa?  Someone's having a laugh - £5 tops in my experience. 

Torry_Quine

It seems very strange to me that you'd each buy for your own family. Never mind the £50 for Secret Santa. Surely a couple aren't dividing presents up so precisely.

Aranyani

Torry_Quine said:

It seems very strange to me that you'd each buy for your own family. Never mind the £50 for Secret Santa. Surely a couple aren't dividing presents up so precisely.

They’ve been together less than 2 years so not a long-standing couple, we don’t even know if they share a household or are ‘dating’. 

Torry_Quine

Aranyani said:

Torry_Quine said:

It seems very strange to me that you'd each buy for your own family. Never mind the £50 for Secret Santa. Surely a couple aren't dividing presents up so precisely.

They’ve been together less than 2 years so not a long-standing couple, we don’t even know if they share a household or are ‘dating’. 

The post says partners and I may well be old fashioned but that means living together. By the way 18 months after meeting my husband and I were married and that's when we began our life together and so sent joint presents.

Aranyani

Torry_Quine said:

Aranyani said:

Torry_Quine said:

It seems very strange to me that you'd each buy for your own family. Never mind the £50 for Secret Santa. Surely a couple aren't dividing presents up so precisely.

They’ve been together less than 2 years so not a long-standing couple, we don’t even know if they share a household or are ‘dating’. 

The post says partners and I may well be old fashioned but that means living together. 

By the way 18 months after meeting my husband and I were married and that's when we began our life together and so sent joint presents.

I don't think there's any common definition of what partner means, it certainly doesn't mean they definitely live together! 

Being married so soon is very unusual these days in most cultures in Britain, so the norms of a married couple shouldn't really be applied to a couple who are't and are quite new in their relationship.  I agree that if you do get married then the costs of gifts for the extended family should be considered a household cost. 

littlegreenparrot

I don't find it strange at all. 
We're 20 years in and married and split the presents. His mum is his responsibility, my siblings are mine. Different things work for different people, nothing weird about it. 

In terms of the question I would just say no thank you to bring in the secret santa. 

74jax

We are married and he buys his family gifts (birthdays / Christmas) and I do my family.  He forgets his sisters often and can be heard a month after saying whoops forgot again...............  all gifts get sent from us both.