Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my partner to contribute to Christmas gifts for my family?

Flipflop13

I’ve been with my partner 7 years and married 18 months and we still don’t split presents, we say they are from both of us but we’re responsible for our own families. My partner doesn’t spend as much as me and his sisters birthday is right on Christmas so he combines them. I like to treat my parents for all their support they have given me so I club together with my sister. I also pay for niece/nephews on my side, husband doesn’t have any on his. It’s completely understandable at just 2 years in you still pay for presents separately.
£50 is a very large amount for secret Santa especially if you don’t know them really well. I’d suggest either you side step this year or ask if you can be considered as a joint entry and the buyer could get a meal voucher etc. 

Torry_Quine

CatherineL said:

I'm going with the previously suggested... He pays both the £50 as it is fitting with the original agreement.

To those that say it is strange not to buy from joint money... My husband and I have done this for years. To begin with, we did things jointly, but when I bought his sister a necklace she gave to her mum and my dad gave the gift from my husband to my sister (husband got really offended by this but didn't see the parallel), we gave up.

Whether you think it is strange will likely depend on if you buy into the whole "single household pot" idea. Not a big fan myself. Prefer, "mine", "his", "children's", "household", as long as the distribution is fair. And as "household" doesn't extend out of the house... extended family is personal money!

Actually we didn't have any joint money.   We always discussed together the gifts we gave. I would never give a gift of received to someone else in the family, that would be so embarrassing if the original giver found out. I do remember many years ago getting a duplicate gift but I told the giver who exchanged it. 

NaughtiusMaximus

Torry_Quine said:

Aranyani said:

Torry_Quine said:

It seems very strange to me that you'd each buy for your own family. Never mind the £50 for Secret Santa. Surely a couple aren't dividing presents up so precisely.

They’ve been together less than 2 years so not a long-standing couple, we don’t even know if they share a household or are ‘dating’. 

The post says partners and I may well be old fashioned but that means living together. .

Really? Not an association I make at all. If someone mentions their partner, to me all it means is they're in a relationship, which could mean anything from having been dating for a month to living together for 40+ years and they may or may not be married.

RayJ125

This is not a moral maze : it is a perfect example of wanting to abdicate personal responsibility!

A gift is exactly that : if You don't want to Give it : then Don't - and live with the consequences.  Take responsibility for one tiny aspect of your life - over which You have control.  Nobody is forcing you, the only pressure is from You yourself : so in whichever physiological department applies : Grow a Pair!  Be yourself, don't live a life dictated by fear of rejection.

(Of course you could always try having an honest conversation with your other half,,,,,,, nah - not gonna happen?)

Savvy_Sue

RayJ125 said:

(Of course you could always try having an honest conversation with your other half,,,,,,, nah - not gonna happen?)

I was just thinking that it really doesn't matter what anyone here thinks, the only way to deal with financial questions is to discuss them and agree a way forward. Even if it's all 'our' money, we'd discuss something like this: we've agreed with DH's family and our boys not to do presents again (started last year), but one of my siblings has children for whom I'm still buying small gifts. 

The OP may find partner has already thought of this and intends to cover both gifts and / or contribute to the other gifts, but if you don't talk about it you'll never know. 

And I guess how that conversation goes may give a clue as to whether there will be a third Christmas together, or not! Well, it would for me. 

Janinibean_2

Another vote for his family, he pays the £50. If he pays for the presents for his family then asking you to pay goes against that original agreement, regardless of if it is a secret santa or conventional gifts for everyone. 
My last partner and I did the same. 

Gervais3232

Janinibean_2 said:

Another vote for his family, he pays the £50. If he pays for the presents for his family then asking you to pay goes against that original agreement, regardless of if it is a secret santa or conventional gifts for everyone. 
My last partner and I did the same. 

Quite simple really - if the agreement is that you pay for your side and he pays for his, then his is his responsibility. I’m assuming that as you have bought for your side he will benefit from being acknowledged as a sender and may receive gifts in return.  He contributes £50 x 2. 

The approach to finances between couples is very varied these days. One size doesn’t fit all.

dolcelatte

Torry_Quine said:

74jax said:

We are married and he buys his family gifts (birthdays / Christmas) and I do my family.  He forgets his sisters often and can be heard a month after saying whoops forgot again...............  all gifts get sent from us both.

I can never understand why people don't remember dates. Everyone has access to a phone which has a calendar on it or can use a diary or paper calendar. 

It's not about "forgetting". There's no motivation to remember. Basically, they don't care!

sunflower_uk6

My husband and I have always paid in £50 each a month to a savings account and we then buy Christmas presents for mine and his family from that. We don’t spend £1200 so the amount just keeps building and means we don’t have to worry about it. 

Aranyani

Or, you join in the £50 secret santa and he chips in £50 to the cost of your family's gifts this year and can have his name on the card for the person that money gets spent on, probably your parents?