Separating and Divorcing Husband Who Is Very Difficult

gizmo111

sassyblue said:

elsien said:

sassyblue said:

elsien said:

How dad gets him to and from school is his concern, as long as he does it. Obviously it would benefit the child to have consistency but mum can’t dictate the care that is given by dad as long as the child is safe. 

No mum can't dictate but she has a right to know who her child is with and who is caring for them and the same the other way round. 

The child is with their mum/dad. Or whatever arrangements they have deemed suitable if they are working and need an alternative. Which doesn’t need the permission  of the other partner. 

Again, wrong in the sense that the father (in this case) needs to tell the mother who the child is with if he’s using a carer.  The mother can withhold contact until she knows who is caring for her child and can also withhold contact if she has very good reason to suspect that person is not a suitable person to care for her child.  This is how court cases for contact often begin.

Technically she may not need to give 'permission' but she certainly needs to consent.

The court will take the view that unless there is any risk identified then the parent who has care of the child is entitled to spend the time with the child and whoever they see fit for childcare arrangements.  Technically the parent does not need to even know - although it is better to keep communication amicable.  If one parent had to consent it is highly unlikely that most step -parents/partners would ever be alone with the child.  Best she can do is object if she has evidence that the person the child is being cared for by is a risk and there are safeguarding concerns.

elsien

sassyblue said:

elsien said:

sassyblue said:

elsien said:

How dad gets him to and from school is his concern, as long as he does it. Obviously it would benefit the child to have consistency but mum can’t dictate the care that is given by dad as long as the child is safe. 

No mum can't dictate but she has a right to know who her child is with and who is caring for them and the same the other way round. 

The child is with their mum/dad. Or whatever arrangements they have deemed suitable if they are working and need an alternative. Which doesn’t need the permission  of the other partner. 

Again, wrong in the sense that the father (in this case) needs to tell the mother who the child is with if he’s using a carer.  The mother can withhold contact until she knows who is caring for her child and can also withhold contact if she has very good reason to suspect that person is not a suitable person to care for her child.  This is how court cases for contact often begin.

Technically she may not need to give 'permission' but she certainly needs to consent.

Not true. From personal experience. And it is not “her” child. It is their child. 

squirrelchops2

In my opinion, as a professional who has written reports for court regarding contact, 50/50 custody only works in exceptional circumstances and where the parents get along amicably.
My reason for saying this is the parents need to work together well for 50/50 to work. The child will invariably have things come up that will require amendments to the arrangements and flexibility even something really small like forgetting an item and needing to get it from the other parents house. Also that the parents are 'singing from the same hymn sheet' so to speak if there are issues they need to address with the child. That they use similar parenting methods and have agreed routines eg bedtimes so the child knows what is what. If the parents do not get along this is going to be impossible to manage.
In nearly 20 years of working with children and families I have only ever seen a 50/50 arrangement work well on one occasion!
I would say to every family that someone is going to come out of the court hearing disappointed because that was always the truth of the matter. Far better if parties could come up with a working arrangement that was sensible and could be stuck to for the best interests of the child, not because one parent is aggrieved at the other having 'more'.

BigMac79

squirrelchops2 said:

In my opinion, as a professional who has written reports for court regarding contact, 50/50 custody only works in exceptional circumstances and where the parents get along amicably.
My reason for saying this is the parents need to work together well for 50/50 to work. The child will invariably have things come up that will require amendments to the arrangements and flexibility even something really small like forgetting an item and needing to get it from the other parents house. Also that the parents are 'singing from the same hymn sheet' so to speak if there are issues they need to address with the child. That they use similar parenting methods and have agreed routines eg bedtimes so the child knows what is what. If the parents do not get along this is going to be impossible to manage.
In nearly 20 years of working with children and families I have only ever seen a 50/50 arrangement work well on one occasion!
I would say to every family that someone is going to come out of the court hearing disappointed because that was always the truth of the matter. Far better if parties could come up with a working arrangement that was sensible and could be stuck to for the best interests of the child, not because one parent is aggrieved at the other having 'more'.

Unfortunately he is that guy. He wants exactly what she has. He can’t look after the son for a week at a time by himself, he can barely manage one day right now but he’ll never admit defeat. He’ll always put what he wants ahead of what’s best for anyone else. It’s just how he is. 

sassyblue

bigmac exactly.  you said in your very first post he is bullying and controlling, this is just an extension of that. For people like him getting their own way is what they’re after, not what they are actually fighting for.

I hope your friend is feeling brighter because she is at least on the road to getting rid of him, even though he will drag it out.

BigMac79

It looks like they are going to court.
Mediation hasn't gone well. He wants more than 50% of the equity in the house and wants to pay less than 50% of the joint debts. He also isn't willing to consider the value of his memorabilia/games collections as part of the negotiations.
She has made him an offer and he has been preparing a response for about a week now. He has already told the mediator he can't afford another session this month. She has given him until close of business tomorrow to either accept her offer or come back with a reasonable counter or she is just applying to the court.

sassyblue

BigMac79 said:

It looks like they are going to court.

Mediation hasn't gone well. He wants more than 50% of the equity in the house and wants to pay less than 50% of the joint debts. He also isn't willing to consider the value of his memorabilia/games collections as part of the negotiations.
She has made him an offer and he has been preparing a response for about a week now. He has already told the mediator he can't afford another session this month. She has given him until close of business tomorrow to either accept her offer or come back with a reasonable counter or she is just applying to the court.

Course he wants everything his own way 

your friend is doing well and I’m glad she isn’t prepared to stall and wait for him to come back with an offer, it’s all delaying tactics. I wish her well, she will need the Mediator's Certificate in order to apply to Court but I’m sure she knows this.

BigMac79

The mediator has issued her with the form. I'm sure he had noticed that the mediation was more her showing willing to move on her offer and him asking for a ridiculous amount of money and then not showing any willingness to budge. He won't even answer questions, every response is "I don't know right now, I'll have to think about it".

BigMac79

Another development now. Due to all the debt being in her name she is now struggling to get a mortgage. Looks like court is now the only option as shes now completely stuck.