Separating and Divorcing Husband Who Is Very Difficult

BigMac79

Posting on behalf of a friend of mine

She has been with her husband for about 9-10 years, married for 4-5 years with a young son. Their relationship has mostly always been strained due to his bullying and controlling behaviour. Their finances were pooled together with all money coming into a joint account. He spent way more than she did on various subscriptions and his hobbies yet he was always very "tit for tat" if she spent £100 on clothes for herself then he had to spend £100 on himself. She earns about £10k more than he does. They have a house together which still looks like they have only just moved in as she cannot decorate or do anything due to the sheer amount of clutter he has which currently completely dominate the dining room, spare bedroom and conservatory. There are literally boxes and boxes of his stuff everywhere. He has always refused to move it into the loft or anywhere else, probably due to how much of it there is.

If anything didn't go his way he would just sulk and talk to her like !!!!!! until she gave in to him. She told herself she could put up with it until son was older but earlier this year she just couldn't handle it anymore and told him she wanted to separate. His behaviour immediately went from bad to worse. He is constantly hostile to her. She tried to sleep in the spare room, there is no bed in there so she used an air bed but could barely fit it in due to his stuff. She has back problems so struggled to sleep on the air bed. He refused to clear the room so that she could get a proper bed in there saying "you wanted this, you can sleep on the floor for all I care". She ended up back in the bed with him because of this. Now he gets into bed every night, after she is asleep, and deliberately wakes her up.

She separated their finances out, now they get paid into their own accounts and put mortgage and bills money into the joint account. If she needs money for things she buys for their son he wants receipts before he contributes and he pays less than half when he finally does pay up. If she askes him anything he takes forever to actually give her an answer. She recently had her sons friend and mother round and he was very rude to both making it clear they were not welcome. He has done this before to members of her family. Her family now try to avoid visiting due to how uncomfortable he makes it for them.

He is currently working from home so I imagine he sees himself as their sons main carer when in reality he doesn't do anything with him. She gets up in the morning, gets ready for work, gets son ready for school, makes his breakfast and then he takes him to school. When she gets home she does dinner for herself and son. He just does his own. They take turns getting son ready for bed each night but he has 2 nights per week where he games with friends, he will occasionally just change these nights without notice. If she lets him know she is planning to go out anywhere he will just go out himself so as to stop her from going out.

She filed for divorce which he has agreed to. They are now mediating over the house and custody. She is happy to do joint custody but she wants to buy him out of the house. He is insistent that he will sell or buy her out but under no circumstances will he allow her to buy him out. Financially he can only buy her out with help from a family member (he earns slightly over minimum wage). I suspect he is angling to stay in the house and also get custody by arguing that he is the main carer and that staying in the house gives the child stability.

I have urged her to speak to a solicitor as this is something that clearly cannot be dealt with between two reasonable people when one is refusing to be reasonable at all. He is dead set on being as difficult as possible and hurting her as much as he can.

She has spoken with womens aid this morning and is awaiting a call back.

I am just trying to find out what her options are, what the likely outcome is, what she should expect etc.

Thanks in advance.

elsien

Mediation would be the starting point - obligatory anyway for a financial settlement. 
She can choose to stay while all this is resolved, or she can look into staying somewhere else with their son if she is the primary carer and is finding it too difficult to stay in the shared property.
If they cannot agree, either about shared care (as they both continue to have parental responsibility)  or where the child lives, then it will have to be resolved in court. 

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/residence/

Mrsn

I think as you have already suggested a legal input is going to required here.

Im sorry for the situation she finds herself in but equally glad that she has realised her self worth and is making plans for a much brighter future going forward.

BigMac79

elsien said:

Mediation would be the starting point - obligatory anyway for a financial settlement. 
She can choose to stay while all this is resolved, or she can look into staying somewhere else with their son if she is the primary carer and is finding it too difficult to stay in the shared property.
If they cannot agree, either about shared care (as they both continue to have parental responsibility)  or where the child lives, then it will have to be resolved in court. 

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/residence/

She doesn't want to move out with the son, even temporarily, as he doesn't know anything about the situation (obviously he has picked up on how hostile the environment is) and she is desperately trying to shield him from the fallout of all of this. Dad doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants. My opinion is that he is simply trying to push hard enough so that she breaks and decides its easier to just put up with him for the foreseeable future so that he gets his great life back.

squirrelchops2

She should make contact with a domestic abuse agency be it Womens Aid or the like in her locality. She has been the victim of control  and verbal abuse from this man and, sadly often separation is when things really escalate. Just getting the support will be highly beneficial plus they can help advise on legal matters (often have free legal advice attached to their service).

AskAsk

well the good news is that he has agreed to a divorce as without his agreement the divorce will become very difficult unless she can prove one of the reasons for divorce without agreement.

if she has enough money, she could move out of the house and leave him to it until the divorce is completed.

elsien

BigMac79 said:

elsien said:

Mediation would be the starting point - obligatory anyway for a financial settlement. 
She can choose to stay while all this is resolved, or she can look into staying somewhere else with their son if she is the primary carer and is finding it too difficult to stay in the shared property.
If they cannot agree, either about shared care (as they both continue to have parental responsibility)  or where the child lives, then it will have to be resolved in court. 

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/residence/

She doesn't want to move out with the son, even temporarily, as he doesn't know anything about the situation (obviously he has picked up on how hostile the environment is) and she is desperately trying to shield him from the fallout of all of this. Dad doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants. My opinion is that he is simply trying to push hard enough so that she breaks and decides its easier to just put up with him for the foreseeable future so that he gets his great life back.

She may wish to consider which is going to have the most impact on the child, moving out elsewhere (if they’re splitting up, that’s not something he can be shielded from) or continuing to live in a stressful situation that she considers to be abusive? 

Mojisola

BigMac79 said:

She doesn't want to move out with the son, even temporarily, as he doesn't know anything about the situation (obviously he has picked up on how hostile the environment is) and she is desperately trying to shield him from the fallout of all of this.

The best way to shield him is to get him away from this. 

He will be affected by the atmosphere - children see much more than warring parents believe and it damages them.

ZaSa1418

BigMac79 said:

elsien said:

Mediation would be the starting point - obligatory anyway for a financial settlement. 
She can choose to stay while all this is resolved, or she can look into staying somewhere else with their son if she is the primary carer and is finding it too difficult to stay in the shared property.
If they cannot agree, either about shared care (as they both continue to have parental responsibility)  or where the child lives, then it will have to be resolved in court. 

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/residence/

She doesn't want to move out with the son, even temporarily, as he doesn't know anything about the situation (obviously he has picked up on how hostile the environment is) and she is desperately trying to shield him from the fallout of all of this. Dad doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants. My opinion is that he is simply trying to push hard enough so that she breaks and decides its easier to just put up with him for the foreseeable future so that he gets his great life back.

Son will definitely know what's happening and it is much worse to stay there and let him witness his dad treating his mum this way unless she wants her son to think thats an acceptable way to treat women

last_mile

BigMac79 said:

elsien said:

Mediation would be the starting point - obligatory anyway for a financial settlement. 
She can choose to stay while all this is resolved, or she can look into staying somewhere else with their son if she is the primary carer and is finding it too difficult to stay in the shared property.
If they cannot agree, either about shared care (as they both continue to have parental responsibility)  or where the child lives, then it will have to be resolved in court. 

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/residence/

She doesn't want to move out with the son, even temporarily, as he doesn't know anything about the situation (obviously he has picked up on how hostile the environment is) and she is desperately trying to shield him from the fallout of all of this. Dad doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants. My opinion is that he is simply trying to push hard enough so that she breaks and decides its easier to just put up with him for the foreseeable future so that he gets his great life back.

I dont want to sound harsh but the son will already have a good idea of the pain this is for both of the (her and her son).
Plus as someone who loves the house she shared with an ex (no kids but similar behavior) and got said house, a clean break is a much easier option, sell the house and find one that is hers and hers alone.
There are times i walk into a room and a memory comes back and i hate this house.

BigMac79

She doesn't want to move out as she feels she would just be handing him the house. Womens Aid have arranged for a solicitor to call her on Monday for a free initial consultation.

I think she is so used to him manipulating to get his own way that she fears he will be able to do this and push her out as his only objective seems to be to make her life hell.